Nip it in the bud

As I walk into what I knew would be a difficult meeting, I say hi to everyone in the room, crack the odd bad joke as usual and finally take my seat. Sitting on the other side of the table are a number of people working on a project for my department. One lady in particular is very aggressive and combative from the beginning and her tone is borderline undermining, my favorite type. I tolerate this for a good 20 minutes until she says something that raises my hair. Her specific words were "do you even know what you're doing?". Now under these circumstances I'm normally very calm and collected but this one just gets my blood boiling, especially because it is right in front of a few senior people and a number of people from my team. She continues talking and at that point I'm still stuck at "do you even know what you're doing"?

She eventually gets excited by a few nods that she is getting in the room as she speaks and reaches the peak of this performance by raising her voice at me just before she bangs the table...

Now opportunities to publicly teach someone a lesson which I call "how to talk to me 101" are rare, few and far between and are to be cherished. I had just been handed one on a silver plate by a who lady I didn't even know prior to this meeting in front of an audience... I was itching!!

She finishes talking and the room goes quiet. I then calmly ask, "have you finished?" "Yes I have" she responds. Those who know me in the room are now preparing themselves for what comes next... They can almost here the drum roll approaching..

"What's your name again?", I ask. "Julian" she says. "Uhhmm Julian, make this the last time you speak to me like I'm your nephew unless you want me to address you like you're my niece". "What do you mean" she arrogantly asks"; My response was quick, to the point and final.. "Do you even know what you're doing?, Raising your voice, banging tables.. Never ever again," I said, looking her firmly in the eyes as I did so. There was a very uneasy silence in the room as I gave her a few seconds to digest what I had just said. I then continued to address the concerns that she had raised and the meeting continued in a civilized manner, eventually ending on a good note having agreed on a way forward.

So what had I just done here? I had just taught Julian and everyone else in the room how to treat me, I had secured my place at the table, I had just nipped any future disrespect in the bud and as a result we never had this problem again.

If ever there was a formula here, it would be as follows.

1.) Once is enough: I had never met this lady before this meeting but I didn't want to spoil her. The first time she crossed the line I pulled her back behind it. How often do you shy away from addressing something because it's only been done once? The result? it's sure to happen again.

2.) Be firm: Taking on an undesirable trait of this nature requires you to hold your own, be unwavering, not smiling and not negotiating. Remember this is you deciding where the boundaries are drawn. Whatever you do, don't scream and shout or get angry, bang the door and walk out. Credibility is lost the minute you are no longer in control of yourself.

3.) Be quick: I got my point across in two sentences and quickly moved on to the main issue without belaboring the point and swaying the meeting. Going around in circles and saying too much dilutes your message. Dip in and quickly move on before it becomes a match. DO NOT ENGAGE and if it goes that direction, withdraw. You've got your message across.

4.) Be precise: Three things crossed the line in this conversation. Her first statement, shouting and banging the table. In my two line comeback I addressed all three. In other words she knew exactly what I don't tolerate and was unlikely to repeat it.

5.) Be aware of your surroundings: Wisdom is everything in potentially tense situations. Key to this wisdom is being aware of your surroundings. Who is there, what influence do they have over your career? What relationship do they have with the offending party and so on. How you tackle conflict situations like this should therefore only be decided when you have had a good look around you. As I often say, the strength of a leader is being able to pick the right tools to use from what's available as situations arise.

TERMS & CONDITIONS:

Now for those of you who are gearing up to go and smack your boss in the face tomorrow, this dose not apply. When dealing with a superior, the order of events is the other way around. You solve the problem at hand first and address the hygiene issue later. "I didn't like how you spoke to me earlier".... In this case, Julian was my peer if not a junior with bad corporate manners.

Ironically, Julian and I got along quite well from that day on and in fact, I insisted that she be involved in many of my projects that followed. Why? Because I nipped her behavior in he bud.

The next time you get that rude email, that undermining tone, that banging on the table and snide comment, nip it in the bud unless you're happy to become the village door mat.