Nice girls don’t ask…or do they?

As another year draws to a close, it is time for reflection and some planning ahead. Also, I want to ask you for something.

Overall, 2023 was a good year for me, both personally and careerwise. I achieved most of the goals I set for myself, got to try my hand at many new and interesting work assignments, including COP28 a few weeks ago, and grew a little wiser, I hope.

Working in renewables, both on the business and NGO side, while also educating about climate change and advocating for sustainability practices left and right already often feels like a cascading domino of crises to deal with. For next year, I chose to add one more ongoing crisis to my to do list, and now I definitely need all the help I can get.?

But first, let me give you the prequel to the forthcoming new challenge.

A chance invitation to a side event at Intersolar in Munich, introduced me to WiSEu Network Women in Solar Europe - a network created by Circular Synergies to support career development and leadership for women in the solar and energy storage industries in Europe.

Thank you, Carmen Madrid ! Your energy and drive is so contagious and inspiring!?

Within the WiSEu network I met so many extraordinary women, learned interesting concepts, shared experience and found much needed support, and we are just starting!?

It is interesting to observe how the universe falls into place when your mind is prepped to pay attention. About three months after the Munich event, a friend sent me a message that the Council of Women in Business in Bulgaria is collecting applications for the 10th edition of its Leadership Academy and perhaps, I should apply too. I took the chance to ask for it and here I am - part of a group of 40 amazing women with diverse backgrounds, skills and career goals on a 9-month journey to become a better version of themselves as managers or entrepreneurs.

Thank you, Irena Beloreshka ! You are a living embodiment of the “pay-it-forward” culture that this organisation fosters.?

Note that all trainers at the Leadership Academy are there voluntarily, meaning an established professional in their field is freely and willingly giving time and extra effort to share years of knowledge and experience in order to support growth in others.?

As part of the training, eight of the Leadership Academy ladies, myself included, formed a team to work on a project for encouraging education and professional development of women in the Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics (STEM) related workspace.

Over the next five months, we will be working to take a picture of the current state of play in Bulgaria, identify barriers to overcome and opportunities to intervene, map out best practices and examples as well as consider new ideas to implement and finally design an action plan for the Council of Women in Business in Bulgaria to set in motion.

HELP WANTED HERE

Any insight or opinion you would like to share with me on the above will be much appreciated!?

I also imagine we will be conducting several surveys to test hypotheses and proposed solutions, so even sharing an e-mail address to participate at a later stage is already helping.?

Dear male friends and colleagues, do feel invited to contribute too.

Your opinion and support matters! Plus, it’s always more fun to do things together, isn't it?

To get you started, here is a hypothesis that tested true for me. Let me know via a personal message or a comment what are your thoughts and what other barriers and strategies could be tested and applied.

THE DARK SIDE OF THE (FEMALE) FORCE

The socially constructed gender role of women as primary care-givers and supporters facilitates the development of a giving mindset from a very early age. The ability to empathise and tune in to other people's needs in turn facilitates the development of the social skills needed to weave a support network of close and loose relationships that can often make the difference between a story of success or a failure in business and in life.

The giving mindset is a force to reckon with but it has a dark side too.

I borrowed the title of this post from an article written by Linda Babcock, Sara Laschever, Miehele Gelfand, and Deborah Small exactly 20 years ago. Read it in full here, it is worth your time.

I will only briefly quote the main takeaways from the academic research underpinning the article:

“Men and women are still treated unequally in the workplace. Women continue to earn less, on average, for the same performance, and they remain underrepresented in top jobs. Both conscious and subconscious biases contribute to this problem. But there is another, subtler source of inequality: Women often don’t get what they want and deserve because they simply don’t ask for it…

At work, women are less likely than men to negotiate for themselves for several reasons.

First, they are often socialised from an early age not to promote their own interests and to focus instead on the needs of others. (the giving mindset)

Second, many companies’ cultures penalise women when they do ask—further discouraging them from doing so. Women who assertively pursue their own ambitions and promote their own interests may be labelled as bitchy or pushy. They frequently see their work devalued and find themselves ostracised or excluded from access to important information. These responses from women’s colleagues and supervisors may not be conscious or part of any concerted effort to “hold women back.” More typically, they’re a product of society’s ingrained expectations about how women should act.”?

Being generally nice and accommodating, that is.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE "NICE"

The dictionary meaning of nice is “pleasing, agreeable, delightful”.

“Mostly harmless”, if I may add, again borrowing from a favourite book of mine. But just as the concise description of the human race in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams carries layers of meaning and irony, so does the definition of being “nice”. To add a bit of entertainment value to the academic research above, I turn to the already iconic speech of Gloria from this summer’s blockbuster “Barbie” which offers a non-exhaustive list of what a “nice” woman means nowadays:

"…Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.?

You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass.?

You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.?

You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.?

You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.?

You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.?

You have to answer for men's bad behaviour, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining.?

You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.?

But always stand out and always be grateful.?

But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.?

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.?

It's too hard!?

It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you!

And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.”

Raise your hand, if you can relate, because I certainly can.

I am sure men can also vent a lot about gender stereotypes and toxic masculinity but let's leave Ken's problems for another article or I will never finish this one.

As the years of life experience pile up on top of my forever 18-or-so soul, I find myself less and less bound to the stereotypical gender role of being "nice".

And, yet, it is a man I have to thank for helping me find the strategy to stand my ground without giving up my giving nature.

Ten years after the publication of the "Nice Girls Don’t Ask" article, Adam Grant publishes one of his most popular books "Give and Take".

Not focusing on gender roles, he rather talks of behaviour models of reciprocity at the workplace and quotes a curious research where women, asked to negotiate a salary not for themselves but for a recommended friend, manage to match the offers, negotiated by men.

Sometimes, change of perspective, is all that women need to get rid of subconscious self-limiting beliefs and move to get what they want.

What does STEM has to do with behaviour models of reciprocity and women's subconscious self-limiting beliefs?

As Lois Frankel, the author of Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, says:

“To get the things that you want in life, you need to take risks. You need to get outside your comfort zone and be willing to deal with other people’s discomfort.”

Taking risks, exploring, experimenting, building skills in data analysis and critical thinking is what education and work in math, science, engineering and technology (more commonly known under the STEM acronym) is all about.

Cultivating social and corporate acceptance and encouragement of women's active pursuit of leading, not supporting roles in STEM, can only benefit organisations and society as whole, but the very first step is for women to believe that they can and should ask for it.

Long story short, nice girls don’t ask, but smart women do.

Let's find out how many ways we can think of asking nicely.