The Next Application

It must be a golden age. I have not applied for a job in years. It's the worst process known to man. What if a man I know and trust is hiring? As if I haven't driven Rich Gassen up the wall enough this year. He is hiring and I could see working for him. I knew him well enough that he invited me for an interview.

Rich: Thomas, this was a surprise. What makes you want to work in a print shop?

Thomas: It's a change of pace. The hours couldn't be any more bizarre than what I have now. While I do enough work for eight hours they cram it in four hours or less.

R: How can you live off that?

T: It is consistent and I save where I can.

R: You can't save what you don't make. Do you want to relocate to Madison?

T: It wasn't a lifelong dream. Power is where power goes.

R: Have you looked into apartments?

T: You mean I can't crash on your couch?

R: You have a reputation for bringing women home. My wife wouldn't like it.

T: Married men always think single guys get it all the time. This isn't Love Actually. I am not going to fly to an undetermined city in Wisconsin, go to a bar and meet three incredibly beautiful women. That only happens in comedies.

R: Didn't you compare No Longer Virtual to Love Actually?

T: In 2020 when we met. I was disappointed when you couldn't make it.

R: Not as disappointed as I was.

T: We got together eventually. As a refresher- is this how storytelling can be incorporated in interviews?

R: I remember. I would not ask this of other candidates. Are you going to behave in this office like you did at the conference?

T: Do you mean am I going to get frustrated and leave abruptly when others are ignoring me because they are too interested in themselves to notice someone around them who was hurt? Probably not. I really want to put that experience behind me.

R: Sometimes things are going to go wrong. It is possible you won't have the opportunity to talk to Amy and Heather like you did the year before.

T: We didn't have those three way conversations that others joined and enhanced. I only wish you kids of today really could see what the advantage of long term relationships is.

R: I have a reasonable facsimile. Why would you leave the job you have held almost a decade?

T: Second hand marijuana.

R: I hope you don't give that answer to an HR Rep you don't know. Can you tell me about a time when you handled a difficult situation? It has to be more challenging than falling through the cracks as others want to perpetuate their small businesses.

T: Well, I already told you about the time I made like Aaron Rodgers.

R: When you left the only team that hired you to finish weakly where quarterbacks go to die?

T: No, I arrived late and had a lot of work around me. Hunkering down, I maintained what was coming and caught up. I'll give you The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia.

R: Do you title the events in your life?

T: There was an article written later that Friday. Needless to say, it was busy. My colleague across from me was upset at the speed of packages. He screamed colorfully. I let him vent. There is no empathy- I saw what he dealt with and understood as best as I could. Moving a large box from the floor led me to break a fluorescent light above me.

R: Ah, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia."

T: Precisely. It was morning by this time so I did not need the light. They switched to LED's to prevent this happening in the future. I held down the fort and when my work was done I moved to the other side to help Kevin. He did not have enough assistance which was a cause of frustration. When we cleaned up- we always finish on time- I said "We are the culture."

R: That's good. I enjoy having an environment where everyone helps each other. I heard your company does not like that.

T: I only wish that "Wild women" rumor were true. I should be so lucky. If I see someone who needs assistance I step in. Management would rather I clock out so they can save money. If one person takes twenty-five minutes to finish loading and two people can finish in ten minutes- it's better than double efficiency and they save five minutes on budgeting.

R: We don't nickel and dime here. Did you have any other questions?

T: Yes. Will our time together mean we can send Thank You notes to each other? I received that second one. It was a nice surprise.

R: We can. Gratitude is important.

T: If I move here I'll be closer to Matthew Chicoine. He seemed to bring gratitude to LinkedIn which is better than people obsessed with going viral. I wouldn't mind surrounding myself with people filled with gratitude.

R: Thank you for that. We have some other candidates. I'll call you either way. If nothing else, you didn't confuse me this time. Some of the things you say on LinkedIn are out there.

Three Days Later

T: (answering his phone) Hello?

R: Hey Thomas, it's Rich. I wanted to call you to mention the position was filled. We went with someone who had specific experience.

T: That's fair. I would have required a little more training. At least I had the chance to eat at Culver's.

R: I should never take that chain for granted. I was glad you interviewed. You were in a better place than the last time I saw you.

T: Mistakes were made at the conference. I thought people knew who I was. Not only did they not know, many did not care. No further comment. In 2020 I listened and Sarah noticed how different and mature I was. In Park City, Heather noticed the same thing. I had the chance to stop being the center of attention which does me no favors and this year- I'll do better next year.

R: At least there will be a next year. While you won't be working with me, you were inspired to restart the Fast and the Furious universe. That was derailed by your lackluster experience.

T: Rich, if we were in the Fast and the Furious Universe you would have offered me a position and I would have parties with every model in Wisconsin dancing around souped up cars.

R: I don't have a line on those parties or drifting in a parking garage. I do have this (opens his desk drawer, pulls out a book.)

T: The return on investment on Harold and the Purple Crayon continues. It might sound like I am making fun of you. I always enjoyed that book. And I always shall. I have a new contract in August- hopefully they will pay enough that I can travel more and enjoy America's Dairyland more frequently.