Newsletter the Fifty-third

One day, on a trip to visit my dad and family in California, he said "Let's go to church." So, that beautiful Sunday morning, he drove me over to the Unitarian Universalist service. We're Jewish, but that never stopped him; he enjoyed the community and the feel there.

On the way, we stopped at a busy intersection, cars zipping by. We watched a gaggle of cyclists pass, dressed up in matching gear, huffing and puffing away on a long-distance ride. My dad said, offhandedly, "Look at those people go to church, their way."

Of course he wasn't referring to their mode of transportation, but to the myriad ways that humans "go to church."

Synagogues, mosques, chapels, temples, sanctuaries, mountain tops, beaches, fairy rings… chanting, singing, praying, playing, meditating, being, walking, talking, laughing, doing good…?

This morning, it sounds like a choir of birds are singing gospel hymns outside my window, punctuated by crows cawing… do I hear an amen?

The Odds of Relationships

About 20 years ago, I attended a talk by the eminent relationships expert John Gottman and his wife, Julie. These social scientists had researched why some couples stick together and others don't, and they discovered some fascinating findings, which they shared with the crowd.

One lesson they presented was not just brilliant in its simplicity, but particularly practical, and I've come to realize that it's important for every relationship in my life, from my wife to kids to friends to work colleagues.

The lesson is that sometimes we want to connect with others, and sometimes we don't. Obvious, right? But the implications are actually profound. Gottman called these states "turning toward" and "turning away." That is, sometimes each of us find ourselves turning toward the other person, and sometimes we turn away.

So the first insight was that it's totally normal to want to turn away — to need time away from someone. Everyone needs this. (At the time, I thought maybe I was weird or anti-social for not wanting to be totally "on" with everyone all the time.)

Gottman then added this perspective: If you consider that everyone is on this crazy cycle of turning toward and away — over and over, each day, each month — it's amazing, he said, that we ever have relationships at all. After all, the chance of two people wanting to connect at the same time is only 1 in 4, right?! (Think of it like two pendulums next to each other. As they tick-tock back and forth, there's a 3-out-of-4 chance that at any given time, one of the two will be tilted away from the other.)

I love this idea, because it's so obvious, so hard to remember, and so helpful when trying to decipher what the heck is going on between two people in any situation. Gottman went on to explain that we're lucky because we can recognize these patterns, and, even better, figure out what to do about them. We can notice a turning away and make the conscious decision to change it, to turn toward. Or, just as valid, we can notice it and gently share that feeling with the other person: "It's not personal, it's where I am right now, and I'm looking forward to turning-toward again soon."

If you're feeling frustrated that you're not connecting with someone (wife, child, parent, friend, co-worker), consider: Do you feel that "click" at least once out of every four times you interact? It's like baseball… the goal shouldn't be perfection; the goal should just be beating those 1:4 odds!

Thank you!

I enjoy sharing my musings… and I enjoy hearing yours! Please share this newsletter with a friend,?follow me on LinkedIn, and send me feedback. You can always reach me at [email protected]