New Year’s Resolutions: A boxing lesson in resiliency

“Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth”. I’m not a huge Mike Tyson fan but this quote resonated with me. While approximately 60% of the US population makes New Year’s Resolutions, depending on which article or statistic you read, anywhere from 80% to 92% of them Resolutions fail by February.  

So what do we do about it? The foundation is a good plan but in 2019, you’re only a Google search away from literally hundreds of “Tips for sticking with your new year’s resolutions”.  To save you some time (since they’re all pretty similar) here’s an oldie but a goodie written for Forbes back in 2013 which synthesizes success in four simple guidelines of:

1.      Keep it Simple

2.      Make it Tangible

3.      Make it Obvious

4.      Keep Believing You Can Do It

The problem is the same advice is written each year but the success rate isn’t changing.

My hypothesis is that we focus too much on the plan to get to our goal and don’t build in a way to account for all of the hurdles or setbacks that we’ll encounter along the way. Most of the well written articles (there’s plenty of crap out there too), account for setbacks. But, like the article written above, they attribute giving up after a setback as a lack of mental fortitude when it comes to believing in yourself and your ability to succeed. In other words, most of the articles still see a hurdle as a failure and want you to positively will yourself through it. The problem with that if we view it as a failure, we also view it as something that’s avoidable. And that’s an outright lie. Any goal that’s worth achieving will come with hurdles and setbacks and my hypothesis is that if we learn to see them as a given part of our journey and build in ways to receive those setbacks, we’ll be more successful in achieving our goals.

That’s where Mike Tyson and the analogy of boxing comes in. We all have our plans for how we’ll succeed in our goals but as soon as we get punched in the mouth, that plan goes out the window and we either: give up right away because it hurts too bad, alter our approach to focus on avoiding the punch (rather than our original goal), or keep fighting but let the growing tally of the blows impact our game. The best boxers on the other hand don’t just learn how to throw punches, they learn how to take them. Although the stats vary, you could estimate that an average boxer takes about 15 punches to the face per round, accumulating to approximately 2500 headshots over their career which means that to be a successful boxer you must not only be willing to take a punch to the face, you also need to practice how to do it well. So the question then becomes, how do we get better and anticipating and receiving our setbacks with the intent of continually moving forward?

In 2015 I signed up for the Long Beach, CA marathon with the quiet goal of wanting to qualify for the Boston Marathon which at the time meant that I would need to finish with a time of 3:35:00 or better. Looking back, my plan was doomed to fail from the beginning because I didn’t follow suggestions 2,3, or 4 listed above and the result was that I hit a wall at mile 22 and finished with a final time of 4:07:12. Writing it off as “I’m just not made to run marathons” I stuck to running half marathons until a good friend of mine convinced me to sign up for another marathon last year. With her help, and the help of an amazing running coach, I was able to create a three-month running plan that followed all four of the guidelines above but still had some lessons learned when it came to setbacks. Here’s what they were:

1)     Build it into your plan. My training plan accounted for six days of exercise per week ranging from core strength training, to timed speed workouts to a “leisurely” long run to build up time on my feet. What my coach explained is that the plan accounted for an 80% success rate, meaning that I could not do approximately 20% of the prescribed workouts and still be “race ready”. When I first started, I assumed a 100% success rate with training days, but quickly learned through the examples below how grateful I was for a plan that only needed 80%.

2)     Acknowledge it aloud. Brene Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly that “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it”. Too often when we fail, we don’t let anyone know and we let the shame of failure eat away at us and our belief that we can succeed. It may sound silly but I was embarrassed when I chose to sleep in one morning rather than go for the seven mile hill workout I was supposed to do. When I got the courage to confide to my coach, his response was “good for you”. He normalized the exhaustion and desire for sleep, commended me for reading my body’s needs, and kept me inspired to get up the following morning with renewed excitement for the race. I was amazed at what a mental difference it made to admit my failure aloud.

3)     Lean on your support team. Yes I was the one running the race and couldn’t rely on someone else to sub in for me when I got tired, but I also wasn’t alone in my journey to get there. Whether it was my husband who got up to make a whole-milk latte every morning to fuel my runs, my mom and the other half-dozen people who helped watch the kids on weekends, or my friends who encouraged me to put my feet up and drink a beer, I had a huge support network that I could lean on. What I found to be the hardest part was asking for help. Quoting @brenebrown again in her book The Gifts of Imperfection she writes “When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help”. In hindsight, I saw receiving help as a sign of weakness and therefore had trouble leaning on the people who were there ready and willing to help me succeed. Knowing how much easier it was when I could lean on my support team, and how I want to be better at giving help, my 2019 focus is to practice receiving help without judgment!

4)     Pivot and adapt. Even with a great plan, a solid support system, good gear, and ideal conditions, I still managed to be injured about two-thirds of the way in. An ankle injury that wouldn’t go away. I tried running on it but knew that if I continued moving forward with the same plan, I wouldn’t meet my goal come race day. I also knew with about 5 weeks to go; I couldn’t afford to rest it for the recommended 4-6 weeks. So, I adapted. I re-looked at my goal and analyzed what I needed to keep doing versus what could change. In my case, the cardio was necessary but the running wasn’t so I moved into the pool. Being that I’m not a great swimmer, and I have false lashes and wanted to keep them, swimming didn’t work out for very long so I adapted again. I found that the stair climber and biking at the gym didn’t aggravate my ankle as much. I also integrated a laser therapy in to speed up the healing process. It wasn’t how I’d planned to get race ready, but knowing my goal and accepting my situation, it was a pivot that worked for me.

5)     Remind yourself of your why. Having a clear why behind your goals is one of the most important things because it acts like your north star when things get tough or distractions arise. For me, I wanted to qualify for Boston for two reasons: one, it was a healthy, energizing thing I could do for myself in the midst of working and parenting full-time. The second was that I wanted to prove to myself that I had the mental fortitude to start and finish this relatively short-term goal (3 months of training). Theoretically, based on my half-marathon pace and general physical condition, I knew qualifying was possible so the focus was proving to myself I could train through it (something I’d never had to do with half marathons). When I started to lose my desire to get out of bed at 4:30 or when the thought of dragging myself to the chiropractor once a week for laser therapy felt like an inconvenience, my “why” helped me assess whether it was still worth it. In this particular case – because I know I’m a better co-worker, wife and mom when I take time for myself, it was worth it to keep making the time for me. In other cases, reminding myself of my why might help me realize I shouldn’t keep going. Either way, knowing your “why” is a powerful tool.

Wrapping it all up, in the three months I officially trained for the marathon I experienced a setback related to training, commitment, or physical ability over a fifty times. And, I was able to qualify with a finishing time of 3:25:40! I didn’t meet my goal despite my setbacks, I met it because I expected them, accepted them, and continued forward with them. My hope is that you can do the same for your 2019 goals.