New year, new... who?

Hurrah! A new year is dawning.

As January rears its sleepy, judgemental head, our thoughts inevitably turn to the challenges of the previous year, our hope for the future and ardent promises to ensure that this time things will be different; this year we will be different.

How many changes do you intend on ringing in? For many, resolutions will include a version of the traditional virtuous affirmation: “I will become a better person”. Whether that is by doing ‘this’ more, or doing ‘that’ less, we promise to transform beyond recognition – whatever the cost. Every. Single. Year.

I want to explore why we equate the new year with change, how the coldest, darkest month of the year became associated with transforming our lives for the better, and what might happen if we just say no...?

New Year’s resolutions stem from Babylonic times; manifesting as promises made to pagan gods during planting season in return for ongoing favour and, presumably, a bountiful harvest later in the year. Ancient Romans likewise revered Janus, a double-faced deity with an unnerving ability to view both the past and the future with equal clarity. Some scholars claim it was Janus who can first be held responsible for the January aspect of resolutions, with his importance prompting the first documented calendarial change. January, purportedly created to honour Janus, was added to the calendar year, replacing March as the first month; a revision later affirmed in the now widely established Gregorian calendar.?

While some resolutions retain a religious aspect, many of us now turn inward, making those same passionate promises to ourselves instead. Commonly, we focus on self-improvement, lifestyle change and berating last year’s behaviour. We hold ourselves (and only ourselves) accountable for our own expected positive outcomes.

We vow to lose weight, to stop smoking, to exercise and eat better. We set our own goals, and our own measure of success or failure – often with little medical guidance or professional input.

Now, a practice with a history of 4000+ years cannot be all bad, and arguably society has a lot to gain from a collective embracement of positive behaviour change. Perhaps that is why every year we see countless glossy magazines, attention-stealing emails and flashing website banners all screaming varieties of ‘New Year, New You’. Click-bait leading to articles promising to help us change our life, reach the goals we didn’t know we had, and ultimately transform every part of what makes us, us.

Subsequently, modern resolutions appear to stray from the field of physical health improvement; often focusing instead on finding love, getting promoted or improving personal style. Arguably valid and commendable goals, but are they motivated by genuine need or societal pressure? And more importantly, how could their success be measured??Let’s make this about me for a minute. If these were my goals, will I know if I’m dressing better because I feel confident in my outfits or because my outfit post gets more likes?

Will I aim to find a job I love and will thrive in, or a job that will stop me from appearing 'stuck' or unambitious to my colleagues and peers?

Will I find true love, or simply accept the first person that shows interest - just so I don’t have the bear the shame of being single anymore??

Is there always power in individualism?

Doing things for others, or for a shared goal, has arguably slipped out of fashion. For years now, we’ve been pushed to think and act individually - especially women and minority groups. “Now is your time”, they cry (ironically, ‘they’ often being the original oppressors). By complying with this sudden permission to be individual, are we adding our own pressure to the societal expectation that each of us stands up and is counted – whether we want to be or not?

It hasn’t always been this way. Historically, collective communities were the preferred way of life. Plato’s ‘harmonious society’ and scholar Aristotle’s ’communal happiness’ both conceptualised ideal civilisation; communities living together as one, forgoing individualism and privacy for the sake of the ‘greater good’. This notion has undoubtedly evolved over time; nowadays we see the ‘greater good’ as the guidance for governmental decisions, public services, and democracy in action. Meanwhile, the media portrayal of community life has moved on from idyllic Summer Wine and Darling Buds, instead taking on the guise of wicked cults, depressed EastEnders or ethically challenged social experiments.

Yet, whilst we may strive for individualism in the modern world and are often applauded for independence, it is worth noting that in times of crisis, we clapped together.

Whose goal is it anyway?

As many a coach or mentor will tell you, goal achievement can have a profound effect on individual wellbeing. Hopefully, we have all experienced the euphoria of accomplishing something; a sensation undoubtedly heightened when it is the consequence of challenging ourselves with an ambitious goal. Knowing what that goal is, and being able to measure its achievement, is a crucial step towards self-actualisation; the ability to realise our potential.

But if society is setting our goals, how can we possibly correctly assess our capability? By creating vast, immeasurable, and sweeping aims, we may inadvertently be setting ourselves up to fail. In that same vein, basing goals around changing our outward appearance, applying a superficial cosmetic, social, or behavioural veneer, inevitably challenges our sense of self; subsequently negatively impacting our self-esteem.

Let’s get curious

Since the dawn of time, small children have approached the world with a growing urgency to understand everything around them. We’ve all experienced that incessant “why?”, relentless until a satisfactory answer is given. Somehow, possibly through politeness and/or the influence of our despairing guardians, we grow out of this approach to life. Thirty years later, mention a goal or self-challenge to a therapist, and I can promise their first question will be …why?!

Often when we make a resolution, we are stating that there is a problem - something that needs to change about ourselves. But why do you think it needs to change – who says it has to be different, or that the change you’ve decided on making will solve the problem?

Author Matt Haig discusses this concept further in The Comfort Book, suggesting we write down our goals, listing subsequent challenges until the ultimate aim is identified. His example uses the statement ‘I want a six pack’. By contemplating ‘why’ several times, Haig describes a theoretical journey of realisation from ‘to look good’ into ‘to impress others’, then ‘to get their approval’ into, most significantly, the actual answer: ‘to belong’. As Haig suggests, writing is a way to spotlight our dreams and ideals, investigating them further until we realise what they are actually about.

I’ll conclude with words of wisdom from Carl Rogers, a founding father of humanistic psychology and revered name amongst scholars and students like me. Rogers theorises that in order to be fulfilled, our ideal self must mirror our actual self. So, if you do choose to make a resolution this year, or set a goal for change, then please take a moment to forget what society wants, and consider what makes you, you.?

?Rewarding resolutions we can all make

-?????????To keep asking questions

Be it our appearance, our lifestyle, our situation… focusing our resolutions on external change may not actually result in solving the internal problem. Instead, try asking these questions: ‘Why do I want to make this change?’, ‘Who am I making this change for?’, and ‘How will I know it is successful?’. ?

-?????????To put our needs first

Rewarding resolutions are positive, healthy actions which enhance and enrich our lives. An achievable intention could be to take time out more often, a self-promise to ask for support when needed, or a commitment to practise self-forgiveness when we, inevitably, mess up a bit. While prioritising ourselves may feel uncomfortable at first, it will undoubtedly be more life-enhancing than losing a stone or two, I promise.

-?????????To change the narrative

Recently I was given some positive feedback on a piece of written work. After squirming and blushing, I begrudgingly thanked my friend for ‘being kind’; to which she replied “Truthful, not kind. Let’s change the narrative on that”. Oh, the power of this statement! Suddenly I was challenged to see her words differently, to embrace and accept their validity – just as we can challenge the narrative that we tell ourselves.

-?????????To recognise our accomplishments

As illustrated above, often our immediate reaction to a compliment is to blush, scuff the floor and mutter something about the dress being in the sale or our showstopper-worthy cake being ‘cobbled together last minute’. Every time we underplay our achievements, we underplay our worth. ?

-?????????To be true to ourselves

The ultimate rewarding resolution, promise, intention, or goal is to acknowledge our limitations and unrealistic expectations. Aiming instead to do things that will truly make us happy - whether society agrees or not.?

Originally written for and published by On the Couch Magazine, 2020. Reviewed 2024.