New Year, same old f*cking me

It's the time of year when the gym is full to the brim and everybody is talking about dry January and being vegan for a month.

Why is it that when January 1st hits, we're suddenly compelled to change our entire being to fit New Years resolutions that are more for social media and our own ego than our actual wellbeing?

I hate to tell you, but the odds of you sticking to your New Years resolutions when they are superficial is slim, at best (much slimmer than me after all of the turkey sandwiches and Christmas cake, anyway).

Before you click on those personal coach ads and get sucked into a cycle of thinking you're in need of help and seeking it for an absolute fortune from someone who has no idea what they're doing, take some time to reflect.

Don't go into 2020 thinking about all of the things you're lacking, or all of the things you wish you had but don't. Thinking of absence is unlikely to bring you any success in comparison to thinking of what you've achieved, what you're proud of and what you're grateful for.

It doesn't all have to be wishy-washy, before you start thinking I'm actually called Sharon and have a 'Live, Laugh, Love' wall decoration.

If you've struggled (I mean....if you haven't, hats off to you) then why not take time to acknowledge how you overcame any of the struggles you've had, or alternatively if you didn't overcome the issue the way you wanted, think retrospectively about how you can tackle it in the future.

Retrospect is a very valuable thing. Kind of like when you think about the fact you probably shouldn't have had ten shots of tequila at the office party the morning after when you see the pictures #FiftyShadesOfHumiliation

Not all acknowledgement has to be positive, progressive or optimistic.

Personally, 2019 was very unexpected to me in ways I'd never have anticipated, but that doesn't mean it was entirely positive or negative. However, I'm moving forward in the awareness that I've achieved a lot more than I'd originally thought as I was passing through the months - which is something I'd only realised when I'd reflected on my entire year.

As someone with a brain that is so packed full to the brim of billions of thoughts a second, all completely non-related, it's hardly surprising that in the moment I tend to remember the more negative aspects of my year than the positive ones because it has a stronger, more lingering emotional reaction.

Something I'd started doing this year was writing a list of 'Things I've achieved in 2019', adding as I went along, but never fully re-reading the list. When I read back over the list, it was quite funny to me the amount I'd forgotten and it's also funny to see what I prioritised as a high achievement at the beginning of the year in comparison to the end of the year.

So much can change in one single year, and the way we react to something in January will most likely be completely different to the way we react in December.

Self-acknowledgement and self-awareness are two of the greatest tools we have to work towards our own wellbeing.

When you reflect, you acknowledge the things you've done well, that you've enjoyed, and the things that haven't gone as well as you'd hoped. Actively thinking about this and being aware of how you felt in those moments will only make you more prepared for the bad and the good moments in your life, moving forward.

Let me put this into practice with an example of a New Years resolution and why it's likely to fail.

"I'm going to go to the gym four times a week."

Now, if the person stating this as a resolution is only just joining the gym, we already have a teensy problem. You don't go from 0 straight to 100 and expect it to be successful.

Reasons this is probably unachievable:

1- It's unrealistic

Do you have the time, means and motivation to go to the gym four times a week? Chances are you probably don't, and when you factor in education, work or social time, trying to start off your gym membership on a four-days a week basis, you're setting yourself up for failure and the inevitable guilt (and waste of money)

2- It's for the wrong reasons

Are you doing this to make a genuine, fundamental lifestyle change? Or because you want to post the pictures on social media, or tell everyone about it? There's nothing wrong with seeking validation, but the motivation for getting praise from others is far less likely to propel you forward than motivation for yourself and your own health.

3- Habits don't grow overnight

As someone who picks up several things at once and ends up dropping them all eventually, if there's one piece of advice I can give, it's that habits require maximum motivation, consistency and most importantly, to be realistically achievable. The old '30 day minimum' adage of creating a new habit might put you off starting with 4 days instead of say, 1 or 2 days a week.

This is obviously a very specific example, but the points remain. If you go into anything with the wrong intentions, motivations and expectations, it's unlikely to cause any positive change. Making resolutions isn't a bad thing, but are they actually for your own benefit?

Live 2020 for yourself. Don't get trapped into a cycle of setting unrealistic goals and feeling guilty over not achieving them all. Rome wasn't built in a day and everybody starts off small, it's how we manage to get better at things without falling off the wagon immediately.

If you'd like some questions to journal, speak and answer into your voice notes or just reflect on in passing, here are some that I think will add value to your 2019 reflection, and your attitude moving into 2020:

• What word would you use to summarise 2019?
• If 2019 were a cocktail, what cocktail would it be (and why)?
• If 2019 were a person, how would you describe them?
• How was your mental health throughout 2019? How did you manage it?
• What is the best thing you’ve done for your mental health and/or wellbeing this year? And the best book/resource of the year?
• What are some of the biggest lessons you’ve learned in 2019?
• What have you struggled with this year?
• What has been your biggest achievement in 2019?
• What are you grateful for this year?
• What are you most proud of?
• What will you leave behind in 2019 and what will you bring with you into 2020?

(I think the cocktail one is personally quite good in summarising what you 2019 is 'made of' and metaphors are one of the easiest ways to describe things that are otherwise difficult to)

Happy New Year, and here's to the same old us.

If you'd like to hear my own answers to these questions, some general banter and giggling with Alice Lyons for our 'Review of the Year', (Part 1 and Part 2) episodes 31 and 32 of the Dark Coffee Podcast (there may have been prosecco involved, so listen at your own discretion)