New Perspectives (Part 3)

This is part three of a five-part series in which I share lessons learned about life and work after gaining new perspective as a result of?nearly dying from COVID?earlier this year.

Lesson 3: Prioritize Self-Care & Learn Self-Compassion

In my last post I shared how I had to slow down and prioritize physical therapy and breathing exercises over everything else in my life. That seems like it should be intuitive — I mean, if breathing isn't a priority, then what would be more important than that?

But we’re raised to not be selfish and putting yourself before others inherently seems selfish.

If you don't make the time to care for yourself, you won't have the energy to show up for others in your life. Putting your health — whether it's physical, mental, or emotional — behind others' needs is a losing game for everyone.

Prioritize the time to do something for yourself. Whether it's just sitting and being, carving out space to meditate or read, listening to a podcast each day, taking a bath, lingering over a cup of coffee or tea, stepping away from your computer to eat lunch, grabbing a workout, putting together or eating a favorite meal, talking to a therapist or a friend, journaling. Whatever self-care means to you — slow down and be selfish for at least 10 minutes a day. Hopefully, you'll prioritize more than that, but life is messy and hectic so start with at least 10 minutes a day all for yourself doing something you want to do — or not doing anything at all.

And be compassionate toward yourself. We're often our harshest critic. Once I was out of the coma, I spent another nine days in the hospital, and every single day, I asked the doctors: "What can I be doing to get myself out of here?" I needed action, I needed a plan, I needed homework.

In the hospital and for the first few weeks after I was released, my medical care team — nurses, physical and respiratory therapists, doctors — would all give me small things I could work on (breathing, strength building, stamina, and endurance exercises), but always delivered the underlying message: "Be kind to yourself." I heard variations: "You're not super human," "you're lucky to be alive," "have patience with yourself," "be compassionate toward yourself," "remember that just days ago we didn't think you were going to survive," "rest and take it easy."

Recovery of all forms (physical, mental, emotional from any number of challenges) is a marathon not a sprint, and you must have self-compassion. In my mind, this goes with self-care. I've learned to make space for myself for at least a little self-care each day, and I've given myself a lot more grace.

It's exhausting trying to live up to everyone else's expectations, and given that time is finite, it's not worth it. You're not perfect and there is no good reason to try to strive to meet all societal or familial expectations.

It's not easy to let go of things that have been ingrained since birth and reinforced in social media or with family interactions, so more than anything else I've had to learn to forgive myself, and the expectations and pressures I've created in my own mind.

About two months into my recovery, I was dining out for the first time on a restaurant patio. I overheard a woman talking to her friends about a book club she was in, "And now that I'm 60, I've decided that if the book isn't good, I'm not going to waste my time finishing it." As an avid reader (3-4 books a week) this comment struck me. One of those expectations I've put on myself is absolutely meaningless: to always finish the books I start. If a book was truly that bad, why spend my finite time reading it? It's a move of being kind to myself, and in a way, a sign of self-respect to stop reading the book when I find it unengaging or truly awful. It's me saying, "I'm important enough, my time is precious enough, and I'm putting myself first that I'm not going to spend it doing something that I don't want to just because I think I'm supposed to."

Find your form of self-care and self-compassion. Seriously, take three minutes right now, and make a list of a few things you can do to carve out self-care. It will be an ongoing journey, but make that list, and do at least one thing for yourself in the next three days.

Don’t do it because someone is expecting it of you — do it for you. You are important enough to do something for yourself — take a few minutes now to figure out what that is. If you're willing to share, note in the comments what you already do or are going to do prioritize self-care and practice self-compassion.?

Read part 4 about making basic back up plans.