"New Normal" 101 - Don't Leave Home Without This

The Essential Pre-requisite for Whatever the “New Normal” Turns Out to Be

Everyone or nearly everyone seems to agree that there’s no turning back to what was and yet the “new normal” is not close to revealing itself to us.

As one of my clients said, “We’re all going to have to just find a way to live with life never being the same again.”

Regardless of what the “new normal” turns out to be, there is one thing that’s certain.

It’s going to require improved communication, cooperation and collaboration both in terms of speed, accuracy and quality.

So, here’s the deal, just as English has increasing become the most common language in the world, what the “new normal” is going to require is for specialized silos, opposing political parties, different cultures, etc. to speak to each other in plain and simple English.

Too often I observe people who are specialized in one area being unaware of their dragging too much of the language of their specialization (a.k.a. jargon) into their communication with another area.

For example, this is one of the reasons why IT people have so much trouble convincing CEO’s to listen to them about addressing tech issues. The non-technical CEOs just want the bottom line, but too often the IT people or for that matter the CIOs don’t get that they are talking too much that is over the head of the more business minded people. This is not new, I even wrote about 2005 in this CIO Magazine article, "How to Avoid Bumping Heads."

That is only one example where in order to have effective communication, cooperation and collaboration that leads to action, people need to increasing not just get where their potential partners are coming from, they will need to increasingly get into the way they think and speak if they are hoping to get “buy in” from them.

On a much larger scale, the public and private sectors, Democrats and Republicans will need to get where each other is coming from if they have any hope of their constructively working together. Otherwise we will continue to see stalemate, checkmate and gridlock.

If there is one thing that the Covid-19 pandemic has demonstrated, it’s that a breakdown in communication, cooperation and collaboration is no longer an option, because too many people fall through the cracks and even die from it.

To that end it might be helpful to practice some of the techniques I have learned and taught for decades to immediately repair rifts in communication.

1.    What’s it like for the other person right now?

When you’re in a conflict or confrontation with another person, if you pause between lobbing accusatory or defensive comments at each other and just ask yourself, “What’s it like for the other person right now?” you will often discover that they don’t like where the conversation is heading any more than you.

In fact, just stopping in mid-escalation, taking a breath and then saying to them, “I just put myself in your position and I realize that you don’t like where this is heading (a likely standoff/stalemate) any more than I do. Is that true?”

Hopefully they will agree.

At that point ask them, “Do you have any suggestion on how we can prevent it from going there?” From that point see what you can both agree to in order to turn it into a more positive interchange.

BTW the reason this works is that you can't be sincerely curious about what someone else is feeling and be angry at them at the same time. It’s psychologically impossible.

2.    The “Going forward” technique – a.k.a preemptive, preventive anticipatory humility.

To use this, say to the other person, “If we proceed it is likely that we’re going to be entering into a working relationship and hopefully a friendly working relationship. I know that there are a number of things that people from my (department, party, specialty, gender, generation, culture, etc.) do or fail to do, say or don’t say that can not only disrupt our working together, but might even put you into the awkward position of having to explain to your people who the jerk or rude person (me) was that you just spoke to. That is the last thing I would want to do. So, to avoid all of that, if you will kindly and candidly tell me what I must always do and what I must never do, I will make a note to follow those suggestions. And BTW if you’re interested, but you don’t have to agree, I can tell you what behaviors from your side causes problems for the people on my side.”

3.    FUD

This technique is possibly the most magical for disarming another person and turning an adversary into not just someone cooperative, but into possibly a fan of yours.

If you’re in a conversation with someone and the exchange is escalating, after they have said something confrontational or even become sullen and ice you with the silent treatment, quiet yourself and say in a calm tone, “You seem frustrated, and I think you’re holding back.”

In all likelihood, they are going to respond, with, “Huh?” or “What?” having been surprised when they expected you to escalate the situation.

At that point say to them, “Yes, you seem frustrated and I think you’re holding back, because I also think you’re upset and disappointed. Please fill me in about what you’re frustrated, upset and disappointed about and let’s see if we can fix it.”

You go in this order because most people will own up to feeling frustrated, whereas if you started with telling them they seemed upset or angry, there’s a good chance they would feel judged, shamed and become defensive.

The key is to get them to talk out what they’re frustrated and upset about, and you can help them do that by asking them to give you an example of each. When they do, don’t become defensive.

Instead, say, “You know, I can absolutely see why that made you feel that way. In fact, if I were you, I would have felt the exact same way (this helps to normalize their response). I’m so sorry you felt that way. That wasn’t my intention at all, but I take full responsibility for doing that.”

Doing this helps get their anger get up and out. Then say, “And I’m guessing you were also really disappointed too. Either disappointed in me, maybe in yourself or just disappointed as I am that things have gotten so messy and turned into this.”

At this point, there is a good chance they’ll be much calmer and the two of you can then have a constructive conversation about what do going forward so that they don’t have to feel frustrated, upset or disappointed again.

Whatever the “new normal” turns out to be, we will be in the best position to address it if we turn the “old normal” of adversarial communication into learning to work together more amicably.

BTW if you find these tips and techniques helpful, you will find many more in my book, Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life.