New Moms Are More Selfish Than Childless Women

Because everything in modern American culture needs to be ideological or consume a 48-hour news cycle in some way, one new thing we have is how Kamala Harris is unfit to be President because she’s never carried a baby to term. Lot of confusion around that, since we’ve had 46 Presidents who have never carried a baby to term and here we are, but OK. I get it. There is a very big, very common argument around childless women that they must be “selfish” in some way, and/or “cat ladies” who “hate themselves.” This completely ignores a bunch of other factors, including:

• Miscarriages
• Infertility
• PCOS
• Timing
• Never found the right partner
• Career-focused
• Concerned about the world
• Concerned about their finances
• Etc.

It’s kinda repugnant to put all childless women in one boat when you don’t know the story of each woman you’re putting into that boat. For example, my wife wants children biologically, but we haven’t gotten there yet — and may never. That’s not about her being “selfish” or “hating herself.” It’s about biology. So, let’s just clear that up immediately.

But I do find this “selfish” argument interesting. Have you ever met a pregnant woman or a new-ish mom? They are some of the most incredibly selfish people on the planet. Pregnant women frequently demand to be feted, down to the idea of a “sprinkle,” which is ostensibly a repeat shower, often for the same gender. (Just pass down the clothes and toys, Molly.) They boss people around and often treat women who aren’t in the club like shit. I’ve seen my wife deal with this for years now. Pregnant women are utterly selfish.

Now, you can easily take that and say “They’re creating life, they deserve the right to be selfish.” That might be true, replete with a side of Instagram “cooking it!” captions. But ideally, if you’re about to be a mom — whether you’re six weeks away, six months away, etc. — shouldn’t that be the most empathetic time of your life, gearing up for that? Knowing the journey that lies ahead? I would reasonably think so, but I’ve seen any number of baby showers and other incidents where a pregnant woman just snaps at her friend of 20 years, i.e. “I wanted it THIS way!”

Then you come to new moms. The common argument on why new moms are selfish, or maybe insular/ignore their friends (which I agree with them doing) is that they are “keeping this young thing alive.” I somewhat agree with that, although I think that semantic language is left over from cavemen times. In reality, what keeps a newborn alive is not so much the parents — especially since one or both parents often have to rush back to work because of late-stage capitalism — but the community (neighbors and grandparents) and, honestly, the first-world supply chain. Jeff Bezos has kept a lot of newborns alive and swaddled. But it’s easier for us to claim the mom does that, because it keeps in line with maternal branding.

I personally do think new moms should be selfish and insular, because they should focus on bonding with their kid and figuring out their cadence with their husband. When I see new moms immediately bouncing into the social realm, that’s always weird. I suppose, unfortunately, you can criticize a woman for anything, usually without reason.

It’s just comical to me that we automatically deign a childless woman as “selfish,” when in fact many childless women are fine — they made that decision, or biology and economics made that decision for them — and often the Queen Bee Bitches of the Ball are pregnant women and new moms.

I had a friend of a friend get pregnant recently. For context on this woman, she designed a PowerPoint for her husband on how to propose to her. I think you get the general drift from that anecdote. As soon as she got pregnant, it was what I can only assume is how her bridesmaid situation unfolded: she basically turned her friends into various battalion pieces, i.e. “Serve me in this way.” At her shower, she dressed down her friend because the tabletops for people to mill about at were not the right height or placed in the right area.

That’s selfish as shit to me.

Again, we justify that shit by saying “She’s baking a baby.” I get it, but aren’t you a little bit sad for that baby as a result? I would be.

Meanwhile, I know tons of women who have had 2–3+ miscarriages or can’t conceive, and while they’re sad and it’s hard for them, they don’t behave like that.

So maybe the “selfish narrative” needs to go the other way?