New Leadership in the House!

Great, but how do you mentor your wife?

by Charles J Roberts on May 4, 2020

For years my wife has been by my side and has listened to my struggles and triumphs of leading different teams through our projects. Now I am in a new role as I sit on the sidelines but get to listen to her as she embarked on a new journey. How do you talk to her to help without coming across wrong? Do I talk to her like I would a teammate trying to learn or do I treat her differently to not possibly discourage her from asking again a lecturing husband?

As many of us face challenges when we first break into management roles, we learn that what we want is not always easy to get. I learned this quickly as I struggled to communicate the work required with end goals and what I was envisioning on how we achieve that.

I say we in the above statement but in reality looking back my struggles were not just in the communications part it was in the trust part that the team is there for a reason yet I didn’t trust them to do the jobs assigned without my hand on every aspect of the day. Lessons learned.

Through the years and great mentors I was able to develop and learn from mistakes to be better at the next project. I continue to learn everyday. This doesn’t happen overnight and for young managers the best thing I can say is to try hard (this is not easy) not to be so wrapped in your job that you forget to do your job. Yes try not to be so wrapped in your job that you forget to do your job. Take care of the team!

As I listen to her on some days I remind her that this is her job not her life and if she wasn’t there tomorrow somebody else would be. How do you communicate that to your wife and not come across as cold hearted as it sounds? How do you explain to your wife that working through breaks or taking a lunch 4 hours later than you should have because you have too much work to do is not doing her or the company any good? It’s a line I’m walking today but using examples of what I have done in the past that hurt me and the team as to what I now do because of the lessons learned.  

I remind her that she is a leader in a new department and the company as a whole is still trying to navigate this as well. To do this at a company level they need to know real data to properly supply the manpower required and the true hours to do the job. How this affects you on your level is you need to ensure that your timelines are efficient but at the same time not skip what would be the norms. If you are working 5 days and you are skipping 1 hour each day of breaks because you feel you are not getting your job done then the company doesn’t know it needs somebody for 5 hours that week. If 8 people are doing that then they don’t know they need another full time person in the department.

Sometimes it’s easier to explain what I am passing on because she has lived it with me for the past 14 years but this is not the case with mentoring young leaders in most cases. Communicating on this level is just as important as communicating clearly on a project with the team.

Most often you are promoted from within the group you were already working with. This is where it begins. One of the hardest things I see people do or not able to do is separate business from friends and family. In your new role the team you have are your friends. You worked with them, shared memories with them and know most of their stories. In your new role you have more responsibility with the company and must be able to separate that and execute the jobs assigned.

You may have deadlines and visions of how to achieve them but don’t forget the team you work with knows how to execute, you were with them just yesterday. Trust them to do the job. Give clear communication on what is needed with a deadline so there are no assumptions that will lead to friction between you and the team.

One thing that I learned early in life, long before I was ever a manager was to separate a job from friends and family. Your job is your livelihood and your family and friends are what you enjoy in your life. Those two will not pay for your livelihood if you do not do your job. I watched my dad do this at the fire department when he was chief. I’ve seen him give 30 day suspensions to his best friend and to his son (my brother) for problems that arose within the department or on a fireground. He was able to do his job when in the role and after hours sit down and have a drink with you as friends and continue to make those memories that friends and family make together. It is a fine line to walk but you must be able to prioritize responsibilities with roles.

Now in my new role as I watch my wife embark on her new journey in a leadership role, I listen to her days for the good, the bad, and the frustrations. I want to pass on knowledge that I have learned through the years but I find myself walking that line of husband and leadership consultant but don’t want to come off lecturing. It’s one I am navigating. As I pass on knowledge from where I failed in the past, what has worked for me, and what has been suggested to me I continue to listen to her when she returns from her day. She seems to be receptive to our conversations and seems like she is trying them as she learns to be a leader.

Like being promoted from the team you have worked with for a long time, she was promoted after working a very short time and only part time over teammates that have been there much longer and in full time positions. She now faces some cold shoulders. I cannot emphasize enough to new leaders that this will happen to anybody. You need to continue to do your thing, be confident in your abilities and don’t be afraid to ask questions and get input from those around you. You were chosen for your skills that align with the company, not your popularity among your coworkers.

I believe there are two people in the workforce. You have leaders and followers. You cannot all leadership titles but you can be a good follower. Just because you're not a leader doesn’t mean you are any less of a person. If you are a good follower then guess what? You are also a leader because you become an influencer and your coworkers take note and you are able to help them navigate their work day and projects. Welcome to leadership.  

We all have roles we are good at and as a leader it is our responsibility to see that quality in each teammate and put them in a position to be successful utilizing their strengths. I failed many times as a young leader and only hope I am better today than I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago and yesterday. She is ahead of me on that curve but I’m taking credit for it as she has heard me say the above statement many times. She already pulls the work loads aside in the morning and if any tickets are for a department one of her teammates were pulled out of to be on her team she assigns it to them. This helps streamline the process because they are familiar with that department and the location of the merchandise.

I will ask you today the same thing I am going to ask my wife at the end of her first 30 days. What did you learn today (this past 30 days) that will help you tomorrow be a better leader?