A NEW DEAL FOR THE FAMILY - Shifting the Focus from She to We

Since I began my professional journey, I have often been asked about the balance between my personal and work life, especially given that I am a mother of five and have a very demanding career. What consistently strikes me is that only women are asked this question. Have you ever heard a journalist (or anyone for that matter) ask a male President of a large corporation or agency how he manages to balance his life as a daddy with his life as a boss? How he deals with meetings, doctor appointments for the little one who has caught the chickenpox on the eve of the Executive Board Meeting? If the information session on the first day of secondary school will conflict with his trip to Shanghai for that big contract with a Chinese client?

It seems that these questions, as well as the dilemmas, simply do not exist for men despite most of them having a family and, even, being labeled as “head of the family”. Yet, it seems to me, that these heads are a little high up and even further away as the majority of the time, in the “supporting” role behind them, is a wife or a companion that does not just participate in family life but tackles it in a complete, “hands-on” manner, every single day, and whether she has another job or not. What I really want to address, therefore, is not the personal versus professional balance. Not at all! What I am interested in is another type of balance, the man versus woman balance - in the way family life is handled and right from the start of a couple’s life.

I believe it is urgent – imperative actually – to instill the culture of equality within the intimate sphere from the onset. Herein lies the heart of this matter. Sharing starts at the beginning, during the first interactions between a young man and a young woman. Long before even meeting, each will have been programmed, consciously or otherwise, with a certain vision of their respective roles passed down through their own family heritage and habits. As children, they will have seen throughout their lives the way family tasks are divided “evenly”  - you clean the kitchen, I do the shopping, you give the bath, I oversee bedtime - you do everything, I do nothing. They will have witnessed the negotiations that took place – and those that did not. The risk of reproducing the previous model is great and more often than not the deal is unfavorable toward women and very favorable toward men. It is for these reasons, amongst many others, that the absence of the father during the first few weeks of a child’s life worries me greatly. It is in these first moments that habits are born - a father’s touch, a father’s grip of his child’s finger happens right at the beginning and this is why I consider paternity leave an essential measure that must begin immediately and on day one. In France, this leave is short and optional. Spain and Norway are doing much better. Let’s be ambitious in Europe, and let us align on the most progressive standards. I am an advocate of a non-transferable paternity leave, to be taken partly together and in part separately. I come from a home where my dad did many things outside while my mom would dream about the larger world, and where she undoubtedly would have excelled. Instead, she languished at home pacing and fidgeting like a bored, and someone anxious, caged lion with the infinite repetition of chores: cleaning, organizing, cooking, and so on …

At that time there were no real alternative models. Yet to the women of today, I say do it differently! Start by choosing your partner wisely and widely ensuring that he be inclined to sharing. Then, once the baby is born, I recommend remaining reasonably watchful and instilling this simple idea in your partner’s mind again and again and again: “Our family is ours - yours as much as it is mine. You should care for these little children, whom you love as I do, in all the same ways and quantity/quality of time!”

Are men suddenly disabled when in front of a little bath, a thermometer reading a fever of 38°C, or an iron? Worldwide, women take on 2.5 times as many household chores as do men. French women take care of 72% of domestic tasks and dedicate 3 hours and 26 minutes a day to these tasks versus the 2 hours men spend. Speaking about personal versus work life balance is not the root of the issue and this question does not take us very far. The true question is recognizing that a woman’s time outside the home is as important as a man’s time is spent in the home. In its simplest of terms it is a matter of chore sharing.  It is at the heart, I would even say, at the root of the problems women have today and have had for decades. There cannot be balance outside the home and an imbalance within the home. Everything is linked. According to the UN, 30% of wage inequalities originate in household inequalities. Women convince themselves that due to overload from tasks for which they are exclusively responsible in their homes that this must influence their choice of job and career throughout their lives. They reduce their range of opportunities in order to protect what seems more fundamental to them: the life and well being of their children.

I remain convinced that that the key to solving this issue lies in spreading – gradually, of course, after thousands of years of identical structures – another vision of the family: One whole belonging to two people and whose responsibility are shared. A new framework and way of thinking are possible, right from the start, creating a paradigm shift - such as taking turns or whatever other model suits both parents. In the privacy of households, other negotiations can and will take place - other agreements that force the question to move forward. It must be done each in a couples’ own way because we will never break into their intimacy in order to impose new habits but the habits must change. Therefore, I am calling wholeheartedly for this New Deal for the Family wherein by making men engage with the concrete realities of life and with that powerful emotional sphere, it will only serve to make them more interesting and more complete human beings.