A New Beginning

After 25 years doing business and 12 years leading non-profit youth organisations before that, I need some rest and reflection.? I feel I’ve lived on the fast track for so long and it was time to slow down and find a new way to grow.? What used to excite me no longer does.? Though many have achieved and done more, I’ve been blessed that my business & leadership journey have given me variety, a feeling of purpose, growth, and significance.??

And only after all that was gone did I realise that there is another side of me.?

When love inspired me to move to the UK in 2019, my boyfriend warned me, “You are somebody in Indonesia; you’ll be nobody in the UK.? Are you ready for that?” Spurred by love and the excitement of adventure, of course I said, “Hell yeah… bring it on.”??

But the truth is, the first 2 years were hard.??

Little did I realise how attached I was to my achievements and how I had let my job title become my identity.? And when all that was gone, I felt so empty and lost.??

Moving to Bath would be a dream for many. The beauty of the city and the friendliness of its people should be something easy to settle into.? But my attachment to being a businesswoman and my constant identity of “achiever” stopped me from enjoying all that.? I lived in constant fear of losing time, momentum, and of missing out.? I was only 45 when I moved, and felt I should still reach for the stars.? And to feed my achiever mindset, I opened another consultancy.?

To be fair, I did alright.? During the pandemic in 2020, I served over 40 clients, gained speaking opportunities in events, and served as a radio presenter.? In a short period of time during a global crisis, I made a name for myself and my business worked.? But somehow it felt? like I was just continuing a rat race.? I lost my motivation to market myself, even though I knew what to do and was teaching people how to do it.? Things got delayed and in the second year, my business was at a standstill and I became bored.??

Thankfully, in 2014 I had learned the concept of surrender.??

Flashback to 2014.?

It was the year that I decided that I wasn’t very good at making life decisions.? So I let God, or the universe, or whatever divine power there is out there, to help me.? I called it “the voice of wisdom.”??

I asked for it to show me the path I should take in my life.? I said, “If it’s for me, make it easy.? If it’s not for me, make it hard.” ? This wasn’t about avoiding hard work and being lazy; I trust myself enough.? Instead, this was about learning the difference between hard work and forcing a square peg into a round hole.??

After opening my heart to the voice of wisdom, certain things happened in my life and business that gave me progress with more ease and flow.? It also kicked me out of “stuff,” which was not meant for me.?

Back to 2020 entering 2021.?

My consultancy business felt like a boring rat race.? But the thought of moving away from it scared me.? What else could I do? What would people say?? Am I quitting? Am I lazy? Am I a fake??

There was this feeling that I should always be in this industry and actively serve as a coach.? In fact, I should keep going to reach mega-global status just to be congruent to what I was preaching.??

But why don’t I want that anymore? Am I just making excuses??

For the last 15 years, this industry has motivated me.? It fired me up.? And now, I couldn’t get myself to feel hot enough to light a candle. What was happening??

Flooded with frustration and self doubt, I neglected the voice of wisdom, my faithful companion who has shown me what it’s like to be in flow for the last 7 years.? I was so immersed in my own self pity that I had forgotten my request: “If it is for me, make it easy.? If it’s not for me, make it hard.”?

Engrossed in the coaching industry, I was blind to other opportunities.? I rode the emotional rollercoaster, while trying to keep a smiley face for the people around me.? And thanks to the support of my partner and some wonderful friends, I finally regained just enough self confidence and clarity to see things with a new perspective.??

I found new interest in his business and saw many ways I could contribute to it.? I started helping out in his shop when I needed something fun to do, and over time, began to love working with him and his colleagues.??

I then asked to get involved and shared with them what I think could be done to improve things. I had no experience in the industry, but perhaps my experience in business could add value in other ways.? Besides, I was ready to work hard because I found the venture quite interesting and fun.? Generously, they offered me a partnership.? And on 1 January 2022, I started running the second shop.?

Finding the new me.?

I feel like a new woman; my life is no longer just about business and achieving.? The emptiness I felt when I lost my titles and recognition has been replaced by the excitement of self-discovery.? And to this day, I don’t miss my old life.?

I found the aesthetic side of me that I’ve always wanted to meet.??

Being less busy for the past 2 years led me to discover new activities to help me engage my creativity. From making flower bouquets to cooking to creating Christmas decorations, I allowed myself to work less with my logic and more with my hands & heart.? And now, owning an antique shop surrounds me with beautiful things loaded with stories of years gone by.? Coming to work each day feels like a creativity fest.?

Running the shop also connects me with the community and helps me make new friends. Of course, I use my business intuition and skills to run the shop, but that side of things is only one part of the equation.? The richest part of it is actually connecting human to human, being surrounded with beautiful things, and actualising a new side of myself.?

But it wasn’t just about finding a new business.?

Through the process of rest and reflection, I found my feminine side.? In my past leadership roles, I have used too much masculine energy to get things done.? And although it was great for business, it wasn’t very good for me.? I lost touch with my feminine side and gradually became frustrated and dissatisfied.??

Finding the “little girl” inside me was truly a blessing.? It allowed me to love and share compassion more fully and authentically.? The brick wall started coming down to reveal a softer side I always knew I had, but did not know how to express.??

I smile as I remember all my past attempts at being feminine, starting from shopping for more dresses and jewellery.? But of course, all those external things couldn’t make me feel more like a woman.? I had to work on what’s inside.??

And because I changed, my relationship with others flourished.?

A new theme.

In the past, I’ve allowed myself to be inspired by success and achievement.? Now a new theme has emerged and it’s called joy and love.?

In everything I do, I seek to give joy and love to myself and to the people around me.??

When faced with a decision, I ask, “Does it bring joy?? Is it based on love?”??

Filling up my own cup with joy and love has helped me move away from the need to have “more, more, more.”? It has helped me see that I have enough and… I am enough.??

A new beginning??

As always, I find it hard to write an ending.? And then I remember my mantra: “If it is for me, make it easy.? If it’s not for me, make it hard.”???

So maybe endings are not for me.? Maybe my life is a continuous journey of self discovery and reflection.? A never-ending treasure hunt for wisdom.? A constant & abundant flow of joy and love.?

So why does this need to end???

So let’s just call it a new beginning.?