Never think someone isn't listening

I will keep this intro short because it is the letter that is the lesson.  A long time ago, in a completely different life, I hosted a pretty popular podcast called Torres vs Zombies.  You can figure out what it was about.  It lasted about 3 and a half years and did ok. When it went off the air, I though that was it.  I got this email from on of my listeners yesterday.   

"I'm listening to episode 167, the last episode before the news of the guys quitting. 168 is the End is Near where they made the announcement, 169 is the grand finale. What has me sad is that the first 3 minutes is Torres excitedly discussing how schedule changes to Jefe will allow them to review TWD right after viewing. It's depressing to hear it knowing that the following episode announces the end being so near. I view 167 as the last regular episode being that they go at it with the regular formula, 168 is the announcement and was very shocking/depressing and 169 was a very emotion filled goodbye.
I actually have listened to all the episodes a couple times since they went off air, but I haven't listened to either of the last 2 since they aired. Maybe it's because they were fairly depressing to me. I remember Torres getting emotional in the last episode over a comment I made on Facebook saying goodbye. If anybody listens to it, I'm the former heroin addict who used public wifi and got electricity (and warmth since I was homeless in Boston) from the libraries and places like McDonald's and Starbucks, and passed most of the time during those tough years listening to podcasts and my favorites are still the Boneyard Industries (Dork Trek still going strong!).
There are about 5 episodes in the last 50 that I get mentioned (once for the book I'm still working on that I'm working Torres and Jefe into because the lead character listened to TvZ and I incorporate things from the show into parts of the book *marbles*) or have a question answered and that stuff was awesome. It was great having a small community because it was like being on tv to me. Being mentioned by your favorite podcast, to me, was awesome, it didn't feel like a small show. The quality is great, Torres clearly worked radio, John did great as the motor that kept it going, and the 1,000 strong Facebook page getting a ton of activity for the small number of followers built up the next episode. The first 130 or so episodes were during the last 2 years battling a 7 year heroin addiction. I found the show around episode 15 and was hooked, but I never got involved, aside from listening, because I was either in a rehab and missed 1 or 2 month chunks at a time (rehabs don't allow phones or computers or much contact with the outside in general) and played catch up when I relapsed and would be back on the street. After 130 and until now I've been far more stable aside from a short 2 week skid that ruined a relationship and reinforced my commitment to stay off that poison.
I remember the last 2 episodes very well and especially the heartfelt comments from Torres about my situation and feelings about the show, and maybe that's why I haven't listened to them. When the show ended it was like an end to an era for me. I found the show when I was first kicking heroin, extremely sick and looking for something to occupy my mind. I typed zombies into a search engine on an internet radio app. I saw the blue bathroom sign and laughed a little so I clicked, but when I heard the radio intro from Night of the Living Dead I knew I found what I needed. I spent the following 2 years struggling and one of the only constants I had was Tuesday afternoons, TvZ! It was the only thing aside from heroin that I looked forward to. I listened to each episode sometimes a dozen times in the week it came out (you miss a lot when heavily sedated on narcotics).
After about a year off all drugs and seeing my life heading in the right direction and looking forward to the first winter of not sleeping outside or in a bed bug infested crackhouse or in a project stairwell clutching all my belongings so they didn't get stolen (wallet and phone in the crotch of my underwear, backpack turned around the front clutching it and using it to rest forward on), I got distressing news; TvZ was coming to an end. The End is Near - Episode 169, September 8th, 2014. My final download. My final post static zombie reflection cigarette. The show was over. My life as a junkie on the streets of Chinatown/Roxbury in Boston were also behind me. My 20's ended shortly after that as well. An era was over.
You would think that being stable and getting off heroin would have me reflect on my life and see the light ahead. It did, although not as much as would be expected. Strangely enough I spent the days following Episode 169 really looking forward and making decisions about my life. I think having lost one of the only two constants in my life (I had a troubled childhood with a father who walked out on me and spent my teen years moving all around southeast New England and northern Florida, followed by my adult years as a drug addict) when I got off heroin for more than just enough time to get my strength back was jarring, but I still had my Tuesday afternoons to look forward to. But then when TvZ ended I had finally lost my last constant, everything from there on was new territory. I didn't have TvZ to look forward to, I didn't have a loaded CC of brown poison and a belt wrapped around my bicep to look forward to. I just had real life and adulthood ahead, real adulthood, my 30's, not the pretend adulthood you get at 18 or 21. I spent days in my head. It was a time I won't forget, ever.
This show still entertains me, and now when I listen I can actually get through an episode without throwing up on myself or needing to put it on repeat just to have something to hear so I don't go insane from the sickness. When this show ended I realized my childhood/adolescence was over. I needed to be a man and be a member of society, not a leech off it. TvZ got me through some of the hardest times. It's actually the only thing that didn't get me closer to my next fix that I actually stopped to download at the library off their wifi. I postponed getting high even though I was dopesick, sweaty, smelly, and with laser focus on my next shot (the drugs usually won, but there were times I got my TvZ first, my counselor didn't believe me in a rehab when I brought that fact up to defend that drugs didn't have complete control over me, yeah, TvZ was proof I wasn't a full blown addict, funny in retrospect). I'm glad the Facebook is still active, I can interact now and not be a sedated "zombie" while I do.
I will take my appreciation for Torres and John and the show they did with me for the rest of my life, and who's to say that without the time I spent soul searching after TvZ ended that I wouldn't have relapsed and not even be here right now. I'm not saying it's what kept be off drugs, that would belittle all the work I and my family and the countless counselors and rehabs have done, but I know it was a vital piece of the puzzle. The timing of the show and it's ending was serendipitous. Thank you Torres and thank you John for putting out such a quality podcast and unknowingly having such a profound impact on me and my situation. I also give an honorable mention to Manny and Bobby Fresh for Bob's Boneyard, and the crew over at Dork Trek. Those shows filled in the gaps when TvZ wasn't enough to get me through some days. I will always appreciate it. I'm going to pick up the work in progress that is my zombie novel with cameos from the godfathers of zombie podcasting, when I'm done I'll get the word out here and can guarantee the guys from TvZ will get copies directly from me. I could go on and on, and I already have but I believe enough has been said thus far.
Episode 167 is coming to an end in my headphones and I think I'm going to let the final 2 play for the first time since they had such a profound impact on me upon hearing them 2 years ago. Stay silent, shoot straight. *static*

Never think you are not making a difference in someones life.  Never think someone is not listening.