Never Stop Grinding

October 11, 2017

 Dear friends and colleagues:

I rise this morning awakened in the literary sense of the word. After a very long and restless night, I confess to feeling compelled to share with you a story I am sure each of you have heard a million times before. A story of trails, tribulations and adversities. A story which undeniably resonates with me solely because it is uniquely my own. A story seen and lived through my eyes which has taught me countless lessons along the way. Some of which I continue to relearn again and again. I learned a very valuable lesson last week. Although I was previously convinced that I had learned this lesson before, it become overwhelmingly clear to me that I still have so much more to learn. Life is about constant learning and growth and that success is ultimately forged on well beaten paths, marred by past failures and unrivaled obstacles. So during this time I will share with you just a few lessons I am sure I will continue to relearn endlessly during my lifetime. Lessons which seem to have different meaning as I grow older, wiser and hopefully evolve into a better version of myself.    

 My story begins in the inner city projects of New York City. Circa the mid 1980’s. A beautiful yet unforgiving city which will forever remain near and dear to my heart. New York City, or just ‘the City’ as the locals refer to it, is one infamous for its grandiose and larger than life nature. With its bondless glass and steel towers and its endless and brilliantly lit nights, New York has truly earned its moniker, ‘the City that never sleeps’. Cold, harsh and grey for the better part of the year, New York has also been experienced by many to be a majestic and comforting place as well. Home to gloriously colorful seasons and quaint yet often times eccentric people and places, there is no other place like it in the world. I was born in New York City and raised in New York City. In a time of great uncertainty and true wonderment and innovation for all who lived it, I blossomed there. In an ‘era which birthed Millennials’, is how they will describe it and all things born and bred of this time. This decade, like many before it, will shape our soon to be present as we know it to be today and solidify the way the world preserves itself while reveling how disconnected we have become with it and each other.    

Raised by a single mother, a Puerto Rican immigrant brought to the states by her parents early in her life, she was often my teacher of these life lessons I have acquired along the way. My mother, a strikingly attractive and charming women, was vivacious, lively and strong. A proud lioness who, through her actions, taught my twin brother and myself that opportunities are not given to people like us but created and taken by people like us. That life will test you in many different ways and that it is not these tests themselves which will transform you into the person you are supposed to be but how you finally persevere and learn from each test that will mold and shape you into the person you will become in the future. Ever reminding us that these are the smithereens which build strong character and lay the foundation of who we truly are as individuals. 

My first lesson, I learned at a very early age. I learned that things would never come easily for me. I saw my mother work two and three jobs at a time just to make ends meet. I watched and listened as my mother confirmed to those she encountered that yes, my brother and I were indeed her twin children despite our obviously contrasting complexions. I also experience my mother’s tenacity and determination for her family, for life well lived and her unwavering pursuit of happiness. All values of which I consider to be my family sigils inherited from her. My mother never graduated from high school nor did she attend college. Like most during her time, she fell victim to physical and moral vises which haunted her in her later years. Although her story is not a tragic one, my mother lived, loved, danced, laughed, cried and created during her brief stint in this world. All of which laid way for her very vibrant life story. A story which would definitively forged my own in its wake.  

In my younger years I flourished academically despite significant personally, emotional and financial setbacks during this time. I was an honor student and enrolled in gifted and advanced learning classes even though I struggled with an undiagnosed learning disability, financial problems at home and the occasional instability that comes along with a signal parent household. I managed to secure myself an academic scholarship at the age of fourteen through my then literary works. This achievement afforded me the opportunity to attend any public or private college/ university of my choosing in hopes of eventually earning myself a four year degree. I unfortunately was forced to forfeit my scholarship later on due to unexpected hardships which required our family to abruptly relocate. I stayed involved and engaged in the performing arts which was and still is my passion and escape from the world, by then, participating in choirs, bands and plays. This is where I learned to read and write sheet music, sing and play instruments. All the while I dealt with emotional insecurities, body shaming and discrimination in and around my learning environments at the time.  I also succeeded in enjoying memorable coming of age moments leading up to my adolescence through young adulthood. I nervously yet eagerly attended my senior prom, my brother and I rejoiced at our twenty first birthday blow out celebration and we all cheered at the thought of cashing my very first pay check from my very first job. All of this in spite of my irrepressible and inevitable decent into clinical depression at the age of twenty. Where I found myself unable to cope with crushing emotions which eventually conjured up my three failed attempts on my own life. Reflecting on these moments are always the hardest but I know now that my battle scars are merely constant markers of my continued victories paving my course to final well-being.  

It is during this time I learned my second lesson. I learned that true happiness is not something that can be given or provided to you but must come from within. I learned that you are not how others see or preserve you to be but how you view and know yourself to be. Although we are creatures who long and earn for love and acceptance from others, the people around you will never see the true beauty and glory of your individuality and uniqueness if you cannot see it for yourself. True happiness will remain forever elusive without your genuine acknowledgment of your self-worth and your complete acceptance and love for who and what you are. I am, relearning, that I am the source of my true happiness and only I can control that aspect of my life. It is important to love yourself wholly, know yourself truly and express yourself fully to find the level of happiness we all feel is lacking and are assiduously search for.  

Connections has now become an integral part of my happiness journey. Connecting with myself and my emotions, connecting with my surroundings and my environment and most importantly connecting with others and their needs. Connections are curtail in so many ways and most are so disconnected from all of these things they forget to recognize the important role connections play in our overall wellbeing. As humans beings we are genetically engineered with an involuntary impulse inspiring us to connect with one another. An irrefutable longing to understand and be understood is imbedded in each and every one of us at the time of conception yet we refuse to nurture let alone acknowledge such truths even exist. In our new high speed, high pitched age of instant gratification, people simply don’t connect anymore. This is a critical traditional that will soon be lost if we don’t change our way of thinking for the future.

I lost a very significant connections which opened my eyes to what I hadn’t quite grasped back then. On October 13, 2013 my mother, Ana Bauza, died in the early morning hours at our home in Miami, Florida. My mother, a once strong, energetic and spirited woman, was now a sickly shell of her former self yet managed to fill us all with life and vigor. My mother left us well before her time at the somber age of fifty-five. She passed peacefully yet abruptly and without warning as she stopped breathing while in her bed. I regrettably was not home at the time of her passing though I so wish I had been. The realization of our lost was devastating for my brother Bryan and I and I have never forget how important that lost connection was to me. Teaching me my most valuable lesson of all. Life is too short. One minute we are here and the very next we are not. For that reason alone we should never take one another for granted. There are more important things in life than just work and bills and the loss of a love one will never compare to any other loss on earth. So I focus of living my life fully and graciously. Remembering to be appreciative of the simple things in life and enjoying every minute with them.

Hence now as I sit at my desk in front of my bedroom window this night, writing and reflecting on all the lessons I have learned. I realize that last week I relearned a very important lesson indeed. I realized that nothing will ever come easily for me. At least nothing worth working hard enough for. As I was regrettably laid off from my dream job last Friday and I once again find myself unemployed for the second time this year. As hard as it is to admit, I feel blindsided and ill prepared for the unfortunate news only given to me by my supervisor last Friday afternoon and I know now that I will have to work that much harder to achieve my career goals at this point. I will have to continue to grind and strive to be successful in my field, proving that I am capable to doing just that. I will have to aspire to even more to be exactly where I want to be and with all this in mind, I have always known, that my aspirations have always been larger than me. That my determination has always guided me through rough times and that my resilience will push me forward. I want to thank my brother Bryan for always being there for me. I want to thank my mother for always teaching me the way and I also want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Now it’s time to make it happen. All you have to do is try.    

 Warmest Regards,

Tiana M. Acosta, LCAM

Currently Seeking Employment as a Community Association Manager

[email protected]