NEVER START A CONVERSATION WITHOUT ASKING YOURSELF THESE 4 QUESTIONS

So, you’re wondering how to start a conversation, right? You’re tired of getting caught sitting in awkward silence after you try to break the ice.

“I like your sweater.”

“Thanks.”

*Cricket*

*Pulls out phone*

I have been there many times - on both sides.

It was just as awkward for the other person as it was for you; no one wants to be involved in that display. 

That’s exactly why I’ve broken down the 4 questions you MUST ask yourself before breaking the ice. I promise that when you ask yourself these questions, you will significantly reduce the chances of the “conversation strikeout” mentioned above. 

But first, just like your Place.B.E.T.S. system in my last article, I want to provide you with a method to remember the tools I’m sharing with you. Here’s how you’re going to remember the concept behind starting a conversation. 

Can you think of why they named the app, Tinder?

Can you think of why we all refer to it as “sparking a conversation”?

How to start a conversation is metaphorically intertwined with how to start a fire.

Keep that concept in mind as we move through these 4 questions that will help prepare you for how to start a conversation.

QUESTION 1: WHAT AM I LOOKING TO ACHIEVE FROM THIS CONVERSATION?

You wouldn’t build a fire without good reason (unless you’re a pyro). A conversation is no different – it needs a good purpose to be worth the effort. When you think about it, there are two broad types of conversations:

1)  Meaningful - When you converse to learn, discuss, debate, convince, inspire, and so on. 

2)  Meaningless - When you converse solely for the sake of avoiding awkward silence. 

Understanding your motive(s) early on will help guide you on where you could take the conversation next and will protect you against awkwardness. 

QUESTION 2: WHO AM I TALKING TO?

The person’s name is a good start when trying to understand your audience, but their name doesn’t mean much in terms of what your icebreaker “filter settings” should be set at. Pay attention to understand the deeper picture of the person you’re speaking with.

• How comfortable is this other person with me currently?
• Are they dressed conservative or adventurous?
• Do I know the people they hang out with?
• What topics do I think they would find interesting?
• What kind of jokes would they be comfortable with?
• What kind of questions would they be comfortable with?

Note: don’t form a concrete opinion of their personality based on their appearance. Rather, use your assumptions that you gathered from their appearance as a baseline of their personality until you learn otherwise throughout the conversation.

It’s absolutely essential that you do everything in your power to make this person feel COMFORTABLE and ENGAGED. Doing so will pay off significantly in both earning likability and establishing strong rapport. I'll speak about these topics in a later article. 

QUESTION 3: WHAT MATERIAL DO I HAVE TO WORK WITH?

You must consider what flammable material you have in your situation to start the fire. Look closely at your surroundings. If you can’t see enough tinder and kindling, then the fire is going to die before you can add more fuel. 

In non-bushman terms, if there isn’t enough situational stuff to comment on, compliment on, or question about, then developing follow-up questions to build the conversation's momentum will be challenging. 

This material that you can consider to spark the conversation with is stuff like:

(A) Do they have any cool gadgets?

(B) What are they wearing?

(C) What are they doing?

(D) Is there anything unordinary going on?

(E) What do they look interested in?

(F) What do you think they are feeling?

The health of the conversation depends on your ability to follow up on your ice-breaking remark.

Never expect the other person to carry the conversation if you’re the one who initiated it. You become the fire-fanner once you initiate a conversation; you’re the one who keeps it alive by asking follow-up questions. You take control and transition the conversation where you want it to go. 

Once in a while if you’re talking to a conversationalist, they will likely take control of the conversation by asking your opinions or questions about you.

Conversationalists are genuinely interested in learning about others. That’s why everyone loves a great conversationalist – you get to do all the talking when you’re around them. Plus, you don’t need to put much thought into where the conversation is going. 

QUESTION 4: HOW SHOULD I START THE CONVERSATION?

There are three main tools you can use to spark the conversation:

1)     The Comment

2)     The Compliment

3)     The Question

Let's put these tools into action using the questions you asked yourself in question 3:

 ICEBREAKER COMMENTS 

You asked yourself: (A) Do they have any cool gadgets?

Icebreaker: Wow – I’ve never seen one of those.

Follow-up: What can it do?

Follow-up: How much will it cost me?

ICEBREAKER COMPLIMENTS

You asked yourself: (B) What are they wearing?

Icebreaker: I’ve never seen someone with running shoes that colour! I love those!

Follow-up: What site did you order them off?

Follow-up: Did they fit the way they were supposed to?

 You asked yourself: (C) What are they doing?

Icebreaker: Jeez, you’re a natural!

Follow-up: Where did you learn to do that?

Follow-up: How long would it take me to learn?

You asked yourself: (D) Is there anything unordinary going on?

Icebreaker: You can really pull that costume off!

Follow-up: What was the hardest part to put together?

Follow-up: Where did you get the idea from?

Note: always be able to justify why you like something. I have been asked many times.

ICEBREAKER QUESTIONS

You asked yourself: (E) What do they look interested in?

Icebreaker: That looks really interesting! 

Follow-up: Have you ever seen one?

Follow-up: Do know anyone else here? I bet we could steal it! ;) 

You asked yourself: (F) What do you think they are feeling?

Icebreaker: You look like the happiest guy on this train!

Follow-up: What’s going on in your life that’s so great???

Follow-up: Do you think it’s too late for me to get one of those too???

Note: it’s really important that whenever possible, you should avoid asking questions that have an easy one-word answer. A question that can be answered with a single word can really ruin the momentum of the conversation. 

If you remember my last article, the message is transmitted through 10% the words you say, and 90% in the delivery. Make sure you deliver with a smile and a friendly tone. 

Notice how I aim to develop two follow-up questions following my icebreaker to get the momentum going in the conversation. Once you have some momentum, it’s seamless to transition into something a little more meaningful if you like. 

It might take you a few moments of looking like a deer in headlights, but if you're willing to endure those, I promise you’ll be able to exploit any opportunity you want to start a conversation.

Remember: the best way to eliminate lingering awkwardness is to simply address it.

No matter how good you are at starting conversations, there will always be the occasion when you say something awkward or ask the right question to the wrong person. My style is to combat awkwardness by addressing it with humor. Making a joke about the awkward thing you just said could be a great way to show that you’re human and that you have a sense of humor. You will develop your own style as you encounter more scenarios. 

At the end of the day, don’t take every chat so seriously! There isn't always going to be the perfect moment to spark a conversation. Just take a breath, have fun, and go for it :)

Thank you for your time!

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