Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It

In my current line of work as both HR professional and leading Growth Center as HR Accelerator, I found that negotiation skill is very crucial to determine my impact to the organization. I constantly negotiate with candidates to convince them join my company, with internal stakeholders to ensure buy in and with external stakeholders to build lasting impactful partnership. My eight book that I’ve read this year is both insightful and practical reference to improve my negotiation skills, something that I do recommend you fellow (HR) professionals and businessman out there to read it by yourself. The book is titled: “Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It” by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz.

This book challenges the current theories and techniques that stressed on intellectual power, logic, authoritative acronyms like BATNA and ZOPA, rational notions of value and moral concept of what was fair and what was not. Instead, this book inspire us to approach negotiation with a deep understanding of human psychology, without the deep acceptance that we are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally driven animals, all those raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating. Like me, the author, Chris Voss is not psychology major graduate, but i believe him that what needed in negotiation were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked to clam people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. This book summarize all of that into something that easy to teach, easy to learn and easy to execute. This is not another pop-psych book. It’s a deep and thoughtful (and most of all, practical) take on leading psychological theory that distills lessons from a 24 year career in the FBI and ten years teaching and consulting in the best business schools and corporations in the world. And it works for one simple reason: It was designed in and for the real world. It was not born in a classroom or a training hall, but built from years of experience that improved it until it reached near perfection.

It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensively, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing. Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do. Then, you can start to practice the first the technique, which is “Be A Mirror”, to quickly establish rapport. Some key lessons form this are:

• A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find.
• Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test the rigorously.
• People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
• To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
• Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making, If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built.
• Put a smile on your face. When people are in positive frame or mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart.
• There are three voice tones available to negotiators: (1). The late-night FM DJ Voice: Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, yo create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness; (2). The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice, It’s the voice of an easygoing, god-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking; (3). The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback.
• Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’ similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding, Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, by your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.

The next one is on practicing Tactical Empathy by identifying and influences other’s emotion using label. The key lessons for this are:

• Imagine yourself in your counterpart’s situation. The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand you agree with the other person’s idea (you may well find them crazy). But by acknowledging the other person’s situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know they you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use.
• The reasons why a counterpart not make an agreement with you are ore often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. 
• Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence.
• Label your counterpart’s fear to diffuse their power. We all want to talk about the happy stuff, but remember, the faster you interrupt action in your counterpart’s amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust.
• List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when sad aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true.
• Remember, you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics. 

Afterward, we would learn to beware of “Yes” and master “No” to generate momentum and make it safe to reveal real stakes. Some key lessons are:

• Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes”. Being pushed for “yes” make pole defensive. Our love of hearing “yes” makes us blind to the defensiveness we ourselves feel when someone is pushing us to say it.
• “No” is not a failure. We have learned that “No” is the anti “Yes” and therefore avoided at all costs. But it really often just means “Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning.
• “Yes” is the final goal of negotiation, but don’t aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes” too quickly in a conversation —“Do you like to drink water, Mr. Smith?”— gets his guard up and paints you as an untrustworthy salesman.
• Saying “No” makes the speaker feels safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you.
• Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No”. That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires by asking a ridiculous question —like, “It seems like you want this project to fail” — that can only be answered negatively.
• Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution your ant is their own idea.

Following is to study on how to trigger two words that immediately transform any negotiation in order to gain permission to persuade. The key lessons here are:

• Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing the thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.
• “That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.
• Use a summary that trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to…”

Next thing is on bending the reality by learning how to shape what is fair. Key lessons here are:

• All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface.
• Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both side.
• Approaching deadline entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests.
• The F-word — “Fair” — is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them.
• You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from.
• People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.  

Then, we will learn on how to create the illusion of control by calibrating questions to transform conflict into collaboration. Some key lessons here are:

• Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you’re right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation.
• Avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back.
• Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information.
• Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language.
• Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend the energy on devising a solution.
• Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated questions.
• There is always a team on the other side. If you’re not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.

Next thing is on knowing how to guarantee execution by spotting the liars and ensure follow-through from everyone else. The key lessons are:

• Ask calibrated “How” questions, and ask them again and again. Asking “How” keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands.
• Use “How” questions to shape negotiating environment. You do this by using “How can I do that?” as a gentle version of “No.” This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions — your solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves.
• Don’t just pay attention to the people you’re negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players “behind the table.” You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.
• Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule (7% of message is based on the words, 38% from the tone of voice and 55% from the body language and face) by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and non verbal sighs s will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal.
• Is the “Yes” real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It’s hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.
• A person’s use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you’re hearing a lot of “I”, “me,” and “my,” the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. picking up a lot of “we,” “they,” and “them,” it’s more likely you’re dealing with a savvy decision maker keeping his option open.
• Use your own name to make a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.

Now, it’s time to learn how to bargain hard and how to get your price. For this you will learn some key lessons such as:

• Identify your counterpart negotiating style. Once you know they’re Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.
• Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. So design an ambitious but legitimate goal and then game out the labels, calibrated questions, and responses you’ll use to get there. That way, once you’re at the bargaining table, you won’t have to wing it.
• Get ready to take a punch, Kick-ass negotiators usually led with an extreme anchor to knock off your game. If you’re not ready, you’ll flee to your maximum without a fight. So prepare your dodging tactics to avoid getting trap into the compromise trap.
• Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem, the situation is.
• Prepare your Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85. 85. 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on non-round numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting the number you want. 

Last but not least, It will down to finding the Black Swan. You’ll learn how to create breakthroughs by revealing the unknown unknowns. The final key lessons here are:

• Let what you know—your known knowns—guide you but not blind you. Every case is new, so remain flexible and adaptable.
• Black swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three type of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want); negative (the ability to hurt someone); and normative (using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around).
• Work to understand the other side’s “religion.” Digging into worldview inherently implies moving beyond the negotiating table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That’s where the Black Swans live.
• Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check. Compare notes with team members. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss.
• Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with, so dig for what makes them thick and show that you share common ground.
• When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren’t. cafes with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.
• Get face time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more than days of research. Pay special attention to your counterpart’s verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments—at the beginning and at the end of the session or when someone says something out of line. 

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