Never Shame Someone for Not Speaking at a Funeral

This has been bothering me for awhile, so clearly I need to get it off my chest.

Almost exactly two years ago one of my nearest and dearest friends died after a five year battle with ovarian cancer. It was a wrenching experience, made worse by the distance between us...she lived on Cape Cod and I live just outside of NYC. And if you're not familiar with the drive up on I95, consider yourself lucky. It's a bone-jarring, bum-numbing 7-8 hours.

She and I were determined and hopeful and funny when we could be. For some reason, I took to sending her various silly underpants in the mail, to make her laugh. I also cooked up healthy foods (she had zero appetite) and sent them to her packed in dry ice. When she had chemo in Boston, I was able on occasion to go up to help run her house in her absence, and then be there when she got home. We went to a lot of doctor appointments together, which often meant many hours of driving off-Cape and then waiting in one office or another for more hours. I can still rattle off her birth date, SS#, address, phone, CA125 count, etc after hearing them so many times.

In the end, she went out with all flags flying and none of those numbers mattered any more. We were together in her hospital room in Boston, where I spent the night on a chair beside her bed. (She insisted on sharing her sleeping pill with me and I was terrified that we'd be found out and I'd be in trouble.) I slept beside her in her hospice room and was startled awake by the stillness in the room at 4:00 am, when the nurses found her, eyes wide and staring, having just died.

About four hours later, after the coroner came to collect her and nearest of kin came to say goodbye, I was on the road home...exhausted and running on fumes. It's a miracle that I was able to drive under the circumstances, but I really wanted to get home to be with my husband. When I did, he told me that my friend's husband had just asked him to speak at her memorial service, five days hence.

I've helped my husband speak at a number of events, and was more than happy to help him write and rehearse this one. We included a story of my asking her (the day before she died, mind you) if she wanted to have apple sauce or orange juice...what do you want to have, I asked. "Fun" she answered. "FUN?" I said..."did you just say that you want to have fun?" "YESSS!!!" Dear God, how I miss her humor.

Other people spoke at the service, and it was as lovely as it was sad. That's when a woman I'd just met a few days earlier at the hospice came up to me and said "I wish you would have spoken." I remember feeling a bit ashamed that I hadn't spoken, but I also explained that I'd helped my husband with his remarks and was frankly worn out from all of the travel. "It doesn't matter, you still should have said something. It would have been nice to hear from you." It didn't help any that she'd spoken and done a fabulous job.

Her comments were intended to hurt me and they did; in any case it's too late now so I'm trying to just let them go. Taking me to task as she did still strikes me as odd but people do strange things in grief. All I can pass on to you is this: never judge another person in this situation. If you want to speak and are able to then fine. If someone else passes, respect their choice and don't shame them...it's only adding insult to injury.

#public speaking #grief #funerals #eulogy #no judgments