Never Miss a Good Chance to Shut Up

If you're upset, who do you call to will make you feel better about a crappy day, or frustrating conversation at work? If you're thrilled because your interview went exceptionally well, who do you reach out to first to share your joy?

There are people in our lives who uplift us, who listen well, and who know how to reframe our experiences in a way that helps us understand them better. They make us feel heard.

We're never really taught how to have effective and impactful conversations. I mean, of course as kids, we are taught to use "please" and "thank you" to demonstrate politeness and civility, but we aren't taught some of the more powerful techniques of communication that can make us more persuasive, or connect with someone else in a deeper way, or learn something new.

Whether we’re sending an email at work, explaining a concept to a colleague, or giving directions to a friend, we rely on communication to convey accurate information. We also use communication to acquire new knowledge and skills. In essence, we engage in some form of communication almost every moment we’re interacting with others—or even when we’re organizing our own thoughts.?

One of the more powerful forms of communication is simply listening.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw

Often, when someone is talking, we're just waiting for our turn to talk. They say something early in their story that triggers an idea in our brain, and we start to wander off composing our response — the next brilliant thing we're going to say when they're done talking. At that point, we aren't truly listening, we're just waiting to talk.

We might nod, look into their eyes, or laugh at the right moments to appear we're listening.

But talking out loud in communication can be cognitively challenging, and take up a lot of mental horsepower. When formulating ideas or searching for the right words, individuals might look away to concentrate better. Diverting gaze can reduce visual distractions, helping the speaker to organize thoughts more effectively.

People also look away while sharing something personal, or confidential, or vulnerable. Looking away might indicate embarrassment or nervousness. Often in a conversation, the person speaking is looking away.

Try the Looping Technique

In your next conversation, when someone describes something important in their life, try these three things:

1. Actually Listen: Resist the urge to compose your response while they are speaking. Even when they finish, allowing silence to linger can be a gesture that you are letting their idea rest with gravity and value.

2. Reiterate What You’ve Heard: In your own words, describe what you just heard. You can share the emotion, but resist any urge to hijack their narrative by applying your own experiences. For example, when someone tells you about the anguish of their sister dying, try not to respond with a similar story about your mom’s cancer diagnosis. While it may be an attempt at empathy, immediately telling your own story co-opts the dialogue. Instead, you might say, “I can imagine how you feel.”

3. Seek Confirmation: End with, “Did I get that right?” When you repeat what someone just said and ask this question, it’s a great way to keep communication clear. It helps ensure you both understand each other, reduces misunderstandings, and shows you’re genuinely listening. This simple habit builds trust, encourages open conversation, and strengthens relationships because it demonstrates that you truly care about what the other person is saying.

That last part is the part that people often miss. We listen deeply, reiterate what we heard in our own words, and then move on to a response. When we pause to ask, "Did I get that right?" we deepen both clarity and trust.

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And wouldn't you know, Mindscaling has a Learning Pathway dedicated to Powerful Communication .

Our company Mindscaling, is busy using the power of story to build powerful micro-learning experiences to propel your team. You can find our content here .

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