Never Good Enough

Some of us go through life feeling like whatever we accomplish, however hard we work, no matter how much praise we get, we’re never good enough. We always have to try harder, do better, tackle the next challenge, climb a higher mountain, and yet when we get to the summit, we still feel inadequate and ask what’s next. We downplay our successes, take our accomplishments for granted, and trivialize our triumphs. Conversely, we wallow in our failures till they define our life experience and dent our self-esteem.

As a consequence, we feel like inadequate imposters, terrified that someone will find us out. If a job interview goes well, we think that “we pulled the wool over their eyes,” or if someone likes us, we think “that’s because they don’t really know us yet.” If we get an “A” on an exam, we feel like we were lucky that the teacher asked easy questions, or if someone praises our performance, we think “they’re just being nice and not telling me what they really think.” We live our lives like hunted animals, scurrying from hiding place to hiding place, terrified and out of breath.

If this is our experience, we don’t feel good about much, and we’re not having any fun. We weave a narrative of failure and inadequacy about ourselves and use every experience to reinforce this narrative. We see and interpret the world through a distorted lens in which we can’t do anything right, and if anything goes well, it is by accident, while anything that doesn’t go well confirms that we are, indeed, losers. No wonder we’re so anxious all the time. We put tremendous pressure on ourselves to succeed but are always doomed to fail in our own judgment.

Why do we do this? After all, we have the choice to look at things any way we want? How do we benefit from being so harsh and unkind to ourselves? Why can’t we enjoy our accomplishments and celebrate our successes? Why must we judge ourselves at all rather than accept that like everyone else, we embody a mix of characteristics and simply are who we are?

Some of this derives from messaging we are given by others, and over time, make our own. Our families, society, and surroundings shape who we are, what we do, and how we evaluate ourselves. In addition, feeling inadequate is emotionally safer than expecting to achieve and risking failure. If we already believe ourselves to be imposters, then no one can make us feel worse than we already feel. We can’t disappoint if we have no expectations of achieving anything of note.

But a life defined by fear is a life diminished. To build up our self-confidence, we can take small risks, observe and log the results, ask for feedback, and get support from people we trust. Over time, we can become the authors rather than the victims of our narratives, shape our life experience, and leave the imposter behind.