Never Give Consequences When You’re Angry

You ever feel like a broken record?

Like you’ve had the same conversation with the same students a million times, but they just don’t get it?

That was me. Two boys in my school had been pushing limits all year—horseplaying, roughhousing, testing boundaries. And then one day, in the middle of passing period, they took it too far.

They were wrestling. On the ground. Right as a class of younger students walked by.

The second I saw it, I felt the frustration rise. I’d already talked to them about this. We’d been over it. They knew better.

I wanted to lay down the law. Give them a consequence they’d remember. Show them that enough was enough.

But here’s the problem: When we give consequences while we’re angry, we’re not thinking. We’re reacting.

And reacting rarely changes behavior.

Why Giving Consequences in the Heat of the Moment Is a Bad Idea

Let’s break it down.

When we’re angry, our brains aren’t in a logical, problem-solving state. Our amygdala—the part of the brain that controls emotional responses—takes over, hijacking our ability to think rationally.

Students feel that energy. If we come down hard while we’re upset, they don’t hear the lesson—we just sound like another adult on a power trip.

Instead of reflecting on their choices, they’re thinking:

• This isn’t fair.
• Why is she so mad?
• I wasn’t even trying to hurt anyone.

And here’s the kicker—if a consequence feels unfair or reactive, students don’t take ownership. They don’t learn. They just get better at avoiding getting caught next time.

Dr. Bruce Perry, a leading expert in neuroscience and trauma-informed practices, puts it best:

“A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child.”

If we want kids to learn self-control, we have to model it first. Our ability to stay calm directly impacts their ability to do the same.

So instead of dishing out a punishment I’d regret, I did something different.

I walked away.

Not forever. Just for ten minutes.

I gave myself time to reset so I could lead with logic—not emotion.

How the Conversation Went Instead

Once I had cooled down, I pulled the boys aside.

I didn’t jump straight to consequences. I started with questions:

• What was going on?
• Why were you wrestling in the hallway?
• Do you understand how this impacted the younger students who saw it?

At first, they brushed it off. “We were just playing.” “We didn’t know anyone was watching.”

I get it. They weren’t trying to scare anyone. But intent doesn’t erase impact.

So we talked. About how their actions affected others. About how their teacher now had to take class time to address the confusion. About how they’re old enough to make better choices.

Then I asked: What do you think is fair?

One of them suggested they have an escort for bathroom breaks to make sure they stayed on track. I asked for how long, and he said a week.

And here’s why that mattered—because he came up with the consequence himself.

I didn’t force it. I didn’t impose my authority. He took ownership. And when students take ownership, they’re way more likely to actually change their behavior.

Then we tackled the real issue: repairing the harm.

At first, they pushed back. “We didn’t mean to scare anyone.”

But meaning to or not, harm happened. So we talked about how they could make things right with the younger students and their teacher.

This is what accountability looks like. Not just punishment, but repairing harm.

What Would Have Happened If I’d Given a Punishment Right Away?

Let’s be real—I could have hit them with an automatic detention. I could have taken away privileges or sent them home.

Would they have been more careful next time? Maybe.

But would they have actually learned anything? Probably not.

Would they have taken responsibility for their actions? Nope.

Would they have felt more connected to their school community? Definitely not.

They might have changed their behavior—but not for the right reasons. They wouldn’t have grown, just learned to avoid getting in trouble.

That’s why how we respond to behavior matters. If we want students to change, we have to focus on teaching, not punishing.

What You Can Do Instead

The next time you feel yourself getting frustrated, here’s what to do:

1. Pause before you react. If you’re mad, step away. Give yourself time to cool down so you can lead with logic, not emotion.
2. Start with questions. Instead of jumping to consequences, guide students through reflection. Help them understand the impact of their choices.
3. Make sure they take ownership. Ask them what they think is fair. When students help decide their consequences, they’re more likely to follow through.
4. Don’t forget to repair harm. Even if they didn’t mean to cause harm, it still happened. Accountability isn’t just about consequences—it’s about making things right.
5. Model self-regulation. If we want students to stay calm and think before they act, we have to show them how it’s done.

Final Thought: Be the Adult They Need

Students don’t need us to be perfect. But they do need us to be the calm in their storm.

When we’re frustrated, we have two choices:

• React in anger and create fear.
• Respond with patience and create growth.

If we want kids to regulate their emotions, we have to regulate ours first.

So the next time you’re about to hand out a consequence in the heat of the moment—pause.

Take a breath. Reset.

Because the best discipline isn’t about control.

It’s about connection.

And that’s how real change happens.

This article is by Brad Weinstein, co-author of the Washington Post Bestseller Hacking School Discipline. He works with schools around the world to improve their discipline practices.