Neurodiversity - why we need to make sure we listen to the quiet ones!

Neurodiversity-listening to the quiet ones

Last week I was pretty gobsmacked as I was in the top 50 Power Diversity list and also was given a lifetime achievement award at the Diversity Awards. ( A shout out to all of this amazing line up).

I was amazed I was there.I grew up not being sure I had an opinion that others would value and am still very surprised today when people seem to be interested in my ideas and thoughts.

What people see sometimes can be a mask of who you are. I am quite shy. As a child in school I could appear chatty and confident but was often the swan looking like I was gliding only because I was paddling very hard under the surface. I worked longer and harder to pass exams but this was not often seen by others. Who you are and who you become is often determined by both your genes and your environment.

As a child family life was pretty noisy. I had very opinionated brothers and a father who wanted to change the NHS, and improve pain relief for all. Dinner times debate was very lively. Discussion encouraged. But sometimes only those with the loudest voices were heard so I retreated.Thus my ideas were not heard. I would clear the table/wash up and remove myself from the situation. A technique I have used throughout my life.

It has made me think about how we can judge a book by its cover and not really know the person in front of us. False perceptions of others may result in considering them to be less capable, lack ideas or potential.Some people may believe 'the quiet ones' don't have the good answers, ideas, or skills... but how wrong that can be.

Born quiet ... or become quiet?

Why do we decide to be quiet or prefer it? There are many reasons such as:

• Fear of saying the wrong thing and being laughed at/shut down.
• Being sensitive to others responses because of poor reactions in the past.
• Needing to process information before considering a response,
• Having a stammer or stutter.
• Anxiety- about when to speak, or whether you will be listened to.
• Tired of being drowned out by others and so you can no longer be bothered to try.
• Lack of opportunity/not given a chance to speak,
• Poor past experiences - being denigrated, laughed at or dismissed.
• A preference for being quiet.

Talents are going to be missed if dominant voices drown out others

Having time to think and respond can result in considering the pros and cons and not reacting to a situation and not considering our biases. In Daniel Kahneman's book Fast and Slow Thinking?he explains the difference between automated thinking (fast) and slower reflective, complex decision making thinking.?

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.”

said ?Abraham Lincoln

May be some of the quiet ones in the room are doing more of the reflective thinking ....but the noisy quick thinkers dominate the board room as they shout louder and sooner, and so we never give time for these responses. This style of behaviour becomes the status quo and the quiet ones get quieter.

What is being thoughtful?

It can be described also as someone as astute, attentive, careful, cautious, considerate, courteous, deliberate, discreet, friendly, gracious, helpful, polite, prudent, tactful, analytical, cerebral, earnest, melancholy, pensive, rational.

These seem like adjectives we should embrace and encourage!

Fitting in

We sometimes feel that to be able to progress in work we need to fit in. At a young age we start to mimic the patterns of behaviours of the dominant group around us and even adopt the accents and phrasing how others are speaking. This is called the chameleon effect.Some people say it’s a survival instinct to try fit in with those around. But I wonder what are the downsides if you are not that person in reality.

We all have different facets of ourselves that are tweaked for different settings - I am different when I am being a parent, grandparent, teacher, colleague, a partner and friend.

However if you have to try hard to be someone else all the time this may be effortful and stops you being who you really are. I was told about a little girl who was told to sit on her hands to stop fidgeting (in 2022!). She is likely to be focusing so much on stopping moving, that she won't be able to listen in class as well. The point is we can all lose something of ourselves when we try too much to be something we are not. For example autistic people/people on the autism spectrum who mask report having?more signs of anxiety and depression(Cassidy et al. 2018).

Some of us are introverts

One study shows that introverts tend to fall into one of four subtypes:

1. Social introverts have?a preference for socializing with small groups instead of large ones. Or sometimes have a preference for no group at all and-being alone is often preferable. If you are like this then being in a big meeting may feel uncomfortable and you end up trying to be invisible.
2. Thinking introverts include people who are daydreamers.Daydreaming is a common and normal mental activity where “attention?is focused inward and away from external stimuli in the present environment” (Williams, 2016, p. 131). It occurs typically when a person is not involved in an activity that requires attention so that the mind is free to wander. Are you a doodler, thinking about what people are saying or mind wandering and thinking of something else that is interesting but not quite following the meeting.
3. Anxious introverts. Not also that some extraverts can also be anxious too.
4. Restrained/inhibited introverts-tends to be more reserved and can have their guards up around others until they get to know them. Working in a new team with different social behaviours can take time to work out the rules of engagement.Rather than seeming shy or avoidant, the person may appear as thoughtful and grounded.

A fifth group are ambiverts who are neither all in or all out. I am particularly interested in this group as I can see that context and interest may change the level of interaction for an ambivert. I wonder if people with ADHD are more likely to be an ambivert. If the setting is boring they keep quiet and switch off/mind wander, but if they need/want to engage they turn up the dial and end up interrupting and enthusiastically jumping into the conversation.Hyperactivity has been associated with higher extraversion.

What does this mean in terms of the workplace?

10 ways to consciously listen more

“We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.”?

―?Zeno of Citium

1. Conscious listening - Conscious listening is?the act of being intentionally present during communication between yourself and another while being aware of your own and the other's feelings and needs. It means going into a meeting with the intent you are going to listen more and speak less.

2. Provide opportunities for everyone to participate in different ways - be open to blended meetings where chat, Q and A, polling can be done as a means of engagement

3.Allowing a kaleidoscope of ideas to come together - this may mean gaining feedback after the meeting so people have time to think. Sending out activities to do before the meeting so people have time to consider their responses before the meeting too.

4. Prepare - if you are anxious speaking up before each meeting, and choose one agenda item or topic that you will address in the meeting. This gets you to practice engaging and it allows others to witness the way you are thinking.

5. Ask questions. Asking probing questions to better understand others’ viewpoints. This shows you are interested and actually listening to them. It can be one of the easiest ways to engage in a meeting and can lead to more robust understanding and more fruitful discussion for everyone attending.

5.Be comfortable- how you sit and look impacts on how others see us and hear us - I am not saying sit on your hands to stop yourself from fidgeting but gain a comfortable position for you so you can engage more easily. Being on a chair that is too low or high doesn't help anyone.

6. Listen and watch more - sometimes observing the non verbal behaviours and the pauses between speaking can tell you a lot. Simon Sinek's video is useful to listen to.He talks about when you listen to others then the other people feel heard and then it becomes a dialogue and not a monologue. This can increase levels of trust and decrease conflict. Simon also describes 'extreme listening' and what this means.

7. Break the group into smaller units for discussions and then feedback to the bigger group.

8. Encourage collaboration and gathering ideas using different tools and visual means - using online tools for mind mapping/ storming to input ideas or all having post it notes and placing them on a white board.

9. When listening - repeat back what someone has said. It can mean the other person knows they have been heard but can also provide you with an opportunity to pause and think.Nodding can also show you are listening. Minimise where possible the distractions around you so that you can consciously listen. Acknowledge if you have lost focus, and ask for something to be repeated. Don't rehearse what you want to say while appearing to listen. Listen, pause and frame and then speak.

10. Challenging our stereotypes - sometimes we have learned to mask our identities and think that others have expectations that to be a leader means you need to be loud and dominate the conversation and this makes you look stronger. Are there still gender biases in communication such as seeing women as 'bossy' if they speak up, men are authoritative if thy do.

If you want to hear the views and ideas of everyone in the team you need to provide opportunities for everyone to participate. We are all a work in progress and sometimes have to 'reset' to start to listening more.

“There's a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”?

?G. K. Chesterton said.Finally, I love this quote:

“The word 'listen' contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.”? by?Alfred Brendel

The blog author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of?Do-IT Solutions?a tech-for-good company that delivers web-based screening tools and training that help 1000s of people deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity. I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself (bits of me I share!).

Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book?Neurodiversity at Work?Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. I have my 10th book coming out called Neurodiversity and Education coming out in March 2023. I was also voted one of the top 20 Thinkers by?HR magazine for 2022! I have been on the LinkedIn Creator Accelerator Programme .