Neurodiversity - Ways to have better conversations

The last few weeks have been busy. We have recently had Neurodiversity Celebration Week , 'World Autism Acceptance Week' and 'World Autism Acceptance Day'. We have seen the recent launch of Neurodiversity in Business in Westminster where I spoke about neurodiversity being everybody's business.

We saw this week some great events and discussions again from Siena Castellon and Lexxic and many wonderful people talking about 'Thinking Differently about Autism' from across the globe.

Why do we still need these weeks, days, and activities?

Awareness is the first stage of gaining people's interest. Unfortunately, there remains a lack of knowledge about neurodiversity and neurodivergence across education, health, employment, and justice settings.

How do we make lasting change?

We need to ensure that we recognize, support and celebrate the different ways we all think, communicate, understand, act and process information.In a recent poll on LinkedIn, I asked employers what was the biggest barrier to employing someone who was neurodivergent.

62% said a lack of knowledge of how to support someone. This tells me we still have a way to go.

Improved communication is the key to creating lasting change

The reality is there is still a challenge in the different ways we communicate and ensuring that we can all be both understood and heard.

As George Bernard Shaw said:

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’??

Too often I hear frustration from all sides when miscommunication has taken place. It can lead to anger, avoidance, withdrawal, and upset. It can also sadly lead to the loss of a job and broken relationships.

Two sides to every coin

Dialogue?is communication or discussion between people or groups of people.

What stops dialogue from happening?

• Conversations don't happen while we are uncertain of how to respond or what actions are expected of us. Biases ( conscious and unconscious) may mean we think as a line managers we need to be an expert in Dyslexia or Autism and have all the answers from Day 1. It may also mean potentially you think less of a person's ability to do a job. The line manager may be worried about saying something that will offend the other person or using wrong terms and so silence ensues...
• I also often hear from people who are neurodivergent who say they have had terrible experiences where a conversation has gone awry because of miscommunication. A passing comment when someone has bravely shared they have ADHD has led to someone being dismissed from a job because of a perceived lack of skill or ability without a chance to show the talents that person has to actually do the job.

For some people, effective communication happens when someone is given sufficient time to respond. An interview is one example where there is an expectation for quick responses. This can tax someone who needs time to reflect and process information and respond in a meaningful manner. You may also be someone who has challenges interpreting metaphors or jargon being used but fears asking the meaning of something that someone has said. Who asks for clarification more than once? We lose confidence and often blame ourselves for not understanding well enough.

Anxiety (because of a novel situation or poor past experiences) can really also cause you to have a 'brain freeze'. I clearly remember times in the past during exams that I sat there staring at the exam paper not being able to get going at all because I was so anxious despite knowing the answers and having been over-prepared for the exam. Fear made everything empty from my head, only returning when I had thawed out several hours after the event.

We have heard increasingly the phrase hiring for a "cultural fit”. Some people have described when you hire people who communicate and think the same way this creates a culture of groupthink , whereas if we have different thoughts and ideas this can lead to a culture clash. But doesn't it actually create the opportunity for novel solutions?

The challenge is that when we think and process information differently we may also communicate this in different ways. Novel ideas may be thought to be whacky by others! Some of our best inventions were laughed at such as Thomas Edison and the invention of the lightbulb. In 1917, Cutex invented the closest thing to modern mass-market liquid nail polish but was seen as a London fad. The nail care market in the US has been cited as US$2.7 Billion in the year 2020. China, the world`s second-largest economy, is forecast to reach a projected market size of US$2.3 Billion by the year 2027!

Our thinking and ideas may come across as overly direct or overly enthusiastic or if not listened to may result in someone then not engaging at all. There is no doubt that when teams who have similar communications styles can find a new person entering harder to work with. It is also true that changing the way we do things can feel challenging and takes effort. But this is where moving from awareness to action is so important and not about a campaign but a changing way we think and act.

What does 'culture fit' really mean?

I work across a range of different sectors and run a health/educational tech-for-good company and have to communicate with people in marketing, IT, health professionals, and educational professionals all of whom have different ways of talking. They often use different words to convey actions and deeds, and different words which often mean the same thing. This can end up with us interpreting the words we all speak differently too.

Have you ever traveled somewhere where the culture and communication style you are familiar with are different from others around you? A couple of weeks ago I wrote about greeting styles in different countries.

Getting it wrong can sometimes be funny(afterward), but may also be embarrassing and make you appear rude and insensitive to the other parties if the intent is misunderstood.

Creating a space for dialogue to happen

We don't allow dialogue to happen unless we are prepared to listen to each other and learn and respect the different ways we communicate.

I was with two friends over the weekend who are 94 and 95 years of age. ( I actually felt young!)

One of them is very hard of hearing but in a one-to-one quiet setting engages fully in conversation and has definite views on everything! Change the environment, with people talking at a table in a restaurant setting for example, and they do not engage at all.

Communicating in different places and times

Think about synchronous and asynchronous communication

The key difference between synchronous and asynchronous communication is:

• Synchronous communications
• Asynchronous communications

There are some real differences in responding.

Asynchronous communication means interaction without real-time conversation and?replies can be delayed. A great example is an email. Your responses are less time-sensitive and you can formulate them, use grammar or spellchecker and consider how and when to respond. You can gather additional information before doing so. (We don't always reflect and take time to respond and that quick knee-jerk email can get us into trouble when we ping a response back without necessarily considering the other person). We can also set a delay in sending a response back. I use the 'Send Later' function in Microsoft Office and it is really useful.

Synchronous communication takes place in real-time between two or more people. All parties are online or in a meeting/ setting at the same time. When a message or request is sent or spoken there’s an immediate response. This requires a greater need to attend and focus. It means you have to process the information quickly and consider a response while also potentially listening to others at the same time who have already responded. This may need you to modify your response. This takes up a lot of 'band-width'.

Why do challenges sometimes happen?

Some neurodivergent people may have challenges with receptive and expressive language (this is sometimes called Developmental Language Disorder (DLD)) which means challenges in understanding, processing information, and articulating how we speak. For more information relating to DLD go to RADLD.

Confusion can happen because the person speaking may not be explaining themselves in a way the other person can understand. As I said earlier miscommunication can come from both directions.

Damian Milton has described 'the double empathy problem' in relation to people on the autism spectrum/who is autistic and communicating with others. In his paper he quotes Phaedrus:

You do me too much honour if you suppose that I am capable of divining his motives so exactly. (Plato, 1973: 78).?

Milton importantly says:

"It is true that autistic people often lack insight about NT perceptions and culture, yet it is equally the case that NT people lack insight into the minds and culture of ‘autistic people’, or that they may lack social insight in other social situations due to an easily repaired natural attitude, and the aligning tendencies of their peers"

Whose responsibility is it for communication to happen and does it sometimes feel like a blame game?

The quality of a conversation may also be influenced by:

?Where you have a conversation - for example, a noisy office may be very distractible for some people- ending up tuning into other people's conversations or finding external noises intensely irritating.

?When you have a conversation- for example, the end of a long day may not be the best time for someone to focus on a complex conversation especially if they are thinking about catching the bus/train home or are feeling very tired.

?Context of the conversation- Interview, socially, with family, peers, boss- we use different language and social behaviors in different contexts. Sometimes we are encouraged to bring our 'authentic self' to work, but maybe defining this for some may be difficult especially when the rules are changing. Working from home (WFH) may have meant wearing track pants and T-shirts - so does this mean I can do the same when back at work? Who discusses all 'social rules' if they change or do we assume everyone will know what to do?

?Your prior experiences - a bad past interview experience can change how you come into the room for the next one.

Miscommunication can end up with a person:

?Doing the wrong work

?Doing the right work in the wrong order

?Not meeting a deadline

?Impacting others’ timelines

?Loss of confidence

?Conflict with peers and managers

What does it make that person feel?

?Overload of information and a need to retreat physically and/or emotionally

?Not quite understanding why someone thinks they have been rude as they didn’t intend to be

?Anxiety

?Annoyance

?Fatigue

?Shame/Stigmatised/rejection sensitivity(because it has happened again and again)

5 things YOU can do to aid communication

1. Ask and don’t assume- every person is different- ‘How can?I best support you?’

2. Check your biases and ensure support is offered at all stages of the hiring and onboarding processes

3. Be informed - about where to access support for you and the person

4. Keep discussing your team's communication preferences – live and online

5. Review regularly how things are doing – short check-ins can be valuable but think about what the other person could be concerned about. Provide specific feedback. One piece of research showed that the most effective method for providing feedback proved to be asking participants, based on having them recall an occasion where they could have provided feedback to someone else, to imagine receiving that feedback themselves.?

4 ways to aid communication before and during meetings?

1. Before - Provide information– what is the meeting for, where and when will it take place – consider the context and environment.

2. Be an active listener – echo and reframe what has been said at different stages of the conversation; ask questions and clarify what has been said. Make notes if you need to, but let the person know this is to assist you,

3. Check for understanding. Be affirming. Point out what is working well.

4. Review what has been agreed at the end of the meeting and send this in an email for the person as well

Author

I am the CEO of?Do-IT Solutions, ?a tech-for-good company, a medical doctor, PhD, and a Professor in the field of Neurodiversity.?Do-IT ?provides web-based tools to help understand neurodiverse spiky profiles and help with wellbeing as well as undertaking training and consultancy with organisations. I am also part of a neurodivergent family. I have worked in this field for more than 30 years raising awareness and think we still have more work to do.