Neurodiversity - who is your authentic self?

Who is our 'authentic' self?

I sometimes hear people say we need to bring our authentic selves to work and I wonder which part of me should I actually share and which should I not? Do you want to really see what I look like when I get up first thing in the morning? (NO... is the answer to that one!)...

I think in reality we all mask who we are to some extent to fit into situations where we are less certain of the response that may happen. When we start a new job we watch others and see how they act to learn the rules of the setting. When we go out to dinner with others in an unfamiliar social setting we often ask " what are you wearing' so we make sure we fit in...

At work it may include understanding common unwritten social actions such as when to take toilet breaks, lunch breaks, eating at the desk ( or not), and how to leave and enter meetings...

The reality is that I see myself in many different ways in the different facets of my life and I have changed over the years. I am certainly very different today to the young woman I was 40 years ago or the child I was at school.

Life experiences and changing knowledge and interpretation have changed me and reflecting back I know myself a little better today than perhaps I did 20 years ago.

Authenticity at work has been described as when employees feel safe, secure, and comfortable showing up as their whole selves. To fully show up authentically, employees need a deep sense of belonging and psychological safety.

There are some caveats here. I think it means being vulnerable and engaging in frank conversations, and being able to tell sometimes very personal stories as a way of gaining our colleagues’ trust and improving group performance.?

BUT- big BUT... the challenge is deciding what to tell when to tell and what to leave at home. Some people don't want to or need to know ALL about your life. For some people also determining what is acceptable to share and what is not can be harder to do.

Useful Ted talk about this.

Oversharing may have its challenges too. Once you have opened the box it is not easy to put it all back inside again! "Despite its potential benefits, self-disclosure can backfire if it’s hastily conceived, poorly timed, or inconsistent with cultural or organizational norms" . It can result in damaging your reputation, and far from resulting in bonding with your colleagues, it can alienate them altogether.

Who am I?

I am and have been different things.....

Is this " All of me" as the John Legend song goes.....

• In school - I was chatty, fidgety, and answered out of turn but was also very helpful
• As a young parent, I was also a medical student juggling work and home life
• Within my family,?I was the middle sister who helped my Mum but avoided conflict
• As a professional, I am the one who talks about neurodiversity endlessly ( probably boring others!)
• As a friend - I will defend you to the last! Many of my closest friends I have known for 60 years...
• As a teacher?
• How my parents saw me - only daughter with 2 brothers...I became a carer...
• How my husband sees me.. probably with some long-suffering looks after 42 years of marriage!
• How do my children see me? - as a parent of young children.... or now as a parent of adult children.. as a confidante, a cook, a friend,...
• How do my grandchildren see me?.... ( I think as a small thing to play with !)
• How my colleagues see me... as enthusiastic, demanding, exhausting....
• How do I want others to see me??-depends on the reason I am there.. socially, work, family....
• How do others actually see me? - someone told me I am shorter in real life than they thought because they had only seen me on Zoom! I don't know....

What is authenticity?

Authenticity comes only when we feel safe to be the person we genuinely are without a threat of loss of job or loss of respect from others around us. It requires us to have good self-esteem and resilience as well in case our disclosure goes wrong. Someone was telling me the other day that they had seen people confidently proclaiming who they were on LinkedIn and then did the same in their workplace and they ended up losing their job over miscommunication. It has damaged their mental health and self-confidence hugely.

At my age and stage, I have less to lose. I can be more honest. I can wear my trainers and not need to wear heels if I don't want to because they are comfortable.. even with a suit in a formal meeting. I worry less (but I still worry a bit) about what people think of me because I want to do well and I like to get on with people.

*****NOTE.....Don't feel you HAVE to 'come out' if you are not ready/don't want to/ sorting your own thinking out/gathering information/prefer to keep things to yourself.....Think about how you are feeling and your work context*****

What's your self-concept?

Self-concept refers to overall thoughts about one’s competencies, while self-esteem refers to judgments of one’s self-worth. A more positive self-concept is related to higher levels of self-esteem. It is a variable concept and may depend on time and context and different interpersonal relationships.

Self-concept develops in a hierarchical manner and is not just one construct (e.g. social, work, physical, cognitive), and these link together to give a global self-concept.

Self-esteem is a basic human need, i.e., "…it makes an essential contribution to the life process", "…is indispensable to normal and healthy self-development, and has a value for survival."? said Branden (1969).

Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension ("I believe I am a good writer and feel proud of that in particular") OR have a global extent ("I believe I am a good person, and feel proud of myself in general").

Your global self-worth is the result of the discrepancy between what is really happening and what you would like to see as the ideal one. Harter who has looked at the different concepts of self-esteem implied that people protect their self-esteem by investing in another area if one is perceived as weaker. If you are not good at sport you may show you are good at writing or cooking for example.? Back last century Cooley (1902) postulated that one’s sense of self is influenced by one’s perception of what significant others think of you. This was called your 'looking glass self'.Attitudes that others have towards us come to define us. Our past experiences impact who we are today. Neurodivergent children and adolescents voice a host of emotions describing challenging early school experiences including feelings of disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, shame, sadness, depression, and anger ( e.g. Dyslexia and Glazzard, 2010).

Work self- efficacy is viewed as one of the most vital intrapersonal capacities in the work environment. Neurodivergent adults will often have had very different experiences navigating the world of work. Adults with dyslexia have been found to have lower self-esteem than their non-dyslexic peer s and lower job satisfaction. Job satisfaction is related to self-efficacy (Bandura, 1997 ).

It is a bit of a cycle. I won't feel confident unless I feel competent in the work I am doing.. and vice versa...

A recent research study looked at self-esteem in relation to adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions . The authors found that more positive autism self-appraisals and perceptions of social support were related to better global self-concept and higher self-esteem.

How to build your self-esteem?

Self-determination theory talks about three key concepts that intersect autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Gaining social competence

• Being responsive, flexible in coping with different situations, caring, and empathetic for others,
• Communication skills to be able to say something you want to get across and understand others too.
• A sense of humor - do you think that is important?

? Problem-solving skills

• The ability to plan, to be resourceful, and importantly seek help from others - we need to be able to ask for help at the right time and from the right people. This can sometimes be difficult to do if we don't know the paths to support.
• To be able to think creatively, critically, and reflectively - looking back and seeing what has worked for you and learning from it is important.

?Autonomy

• Identity sense- the ability to act independently and exert control over your choices and the environment you place yourself in;
• Having an internal locus of control rather than blaming outcomes on others. ( People who have an internal locus of control?believe that the outcomes of their actions are results of their own abilities. Internals believe that their hard work would lead them to obtain positive outcomes.)
• Self-efficacy (Self-efficacy refers to?an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments?(concept described by Bandura). Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one's own motivation, behavior, and social environment.)

Sense of purpose

• Optimism, goal direction, and educational aspirations;
• Achievement - motivation, persistence, and hopefulness;
• Spiritual connectedness - this does not need to be religious but a feeling of being connected to others. ( e.g., I have discussed the benefit of awe-walks before).

What can you do as an employer?

***Come and talk to us and we can help you. ***

I think we need to stop saying 'bring your authentic self to work".... and we need to build safe spaces so we can each choose the parts we want to share when we want to do so.

Line manager training i s important so that the wrong sort of 'banter' doesn't inflict wounds in scars that are already there. We run different training courses including our e-learning programme.

We need to listen to the people within your organization and hear their experiences of what has happened... the good/bad and ugly.

Be honest in what you are doing - and if you are not doing everything you can to be neuroinclusive then discuss this and say you are trying to do so... don't sell 'the shiny' unless you are actually really doing it...

The blog author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of?Do-IT Solutions ?a tech-for-good company that delivers web-based screening tools that help deliver person-centered solutions. I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity. I am a medical doctor, Professor, and Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself ( bits of me I share!).

The wonderful Theo Smith and I wrote together?Neurodiversity at Work?Drive Innovation, Performance and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce .A few weeks ago we won the?Business Book Awards 2022 Equality, Diversity and Inclusion?for the best book.

I have my 10th book coming out called Neurodiversity in Education later in 2022. ( see picture).

I have been voted one of the top 20 Thinkers by?HR magazine for 2022 - so I need to start thinking a bit more!!!

What a change we can make if we all work together.

Thanks for letting me be a small part of it.