Neurodiversity- how to stop becoming overwhelmed

Why do we become overwhelmed?

Most of us at some time will feel overwhelmed by work. It may be a lot of deadlines coming at once, on top of juggling home, family, or friend stuff. It can feel like you are carrying a huge weight. This metaphor can actually feel real. Another metaphor we use is ' having the weight of the world on our shoulders'. Walking up and down stairs can feel effortful. Your energy can feel sapped. You can actually have physical pain such as neck pain or headaches.

Interestingly, overwhelmed means: "bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something, especially water."

I use the stress bucket metaphor often as an analogy to explain what happens when you have too much flowing into your bucket and what happens when it overflows.

What stops you from being in control?

One theory that describes why some people can feel in control(or not) is called self-determination theory?(SDT). This is the theory of human motivation and the ability to grow and develop alongside psychological needs. It relates to the internal?motivation ?behind people's choices. SDT focuses on the degree to which human behavior is self-motivated and self-determined. In the 1970s, the research looked at the differences between?intrinsic ?and?extrinsic ?motivation. In the1980s?Deci ?and? Ryan ?wrote about SDT and since that time there has been increasing interest in this concept.

What motivates you to get up every morning?

Self-determination is about your ability to make choices about your life and be self-motivated rather than needing external praise and prompts.

Good self-determination can result in feeling in control of outcomes rather than being controlled by these other external agents. This can be for example starting to take exercise every day because you have decided to do so because you want to rather than being told by someone else you should!

Work motivation is very relevant in neurodivergent people, especially if you end up doing jobs that don't match your interests or individual skills. Fewer choices and opportunities mean you end up doing a job that is not as interesting for you.

What's your 'inner voice' telling you?

Deci and Ryan describe 3 basic innate, human psychological needs that are necessary for our optimal functioning:

• Autonomy - this is having control over your actions. Extrinsic rewards are less effective than the goals you set yourself and then achieve. This is important in relation to neurodiversity because a lack of control over your outcomes may have been a feeling you have had from a young age. Barriers you may have met may have meant what you wanted to achieve was thwarted by others.Lower self-esteem and lacking confidence can mean your 'inner voice' questions whether you can actually make good choices and whether you can achieve tasks independently. When you lack autonomy,?you're more controlled by what others do, think, and feel, and adapt accordingly. You react to and worry about someone else's expectations and reactions and defer to their opinion. You might have difficulty making decisions and taking action on your own.
• Competence - this is gaining mastery of skills that you value. If all your life you have had to be shown what to do for example in education and given additional support to fit in then this can leave you lacking the confidence to even try learning new skills. Teaching coping skills early may help this.
• Relatedness - how you are connected with others is important for the feeling you are in control of your life outcomes but we all need to have a sense of belonging to others around us. "No man is an island' said John Donne. Being a part of a team, having friends, and sharing ideas connect us to each other.Bekker and Croon (2010) found a negative relationship between autonomy and depression and anxiety and the opposite has been noted too. Koemans has shown that secure attachment in adults late diagnosed with ADHD was not so great for some and heightened sensitivity was greater. Sensitivity related to psychological functioning. I wonder if this may be related to years of feeling 'othered' and your self-image. When talking to adults who have been diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood some people talk about having to review who they are now and how they saw themselves as a child.

What do we know in the area of neurodiversity?

Research suggests that for example, autistic students in higher education can struggle with developing autonomy, competence, and establishing relatedness due to their executive functioning and social communication challenges.?Recent research showed that establishing routines was important to aid self-control.

Goldfarb and colleagues (2021) described that employment outcomes of autistic adults have shown lower employment rates and worse job conditions (e.g., fewer hours of work per week, lower salary, reduced job variation). Further evidence suggests that while some autistic adults manage to obtain a job, fewer are able to maintain their position over time.

Why can we feel out of control?

Too much to do, not enough time, a fear of letting people down, a fear of being exposed as a fraud, imposter syndrome ...We can have cognitive overload and life then spills over. We may not feel in control of our choices because they are constrained by others, and situations we find ourselves in.

We can also become overwhelmed when we are trying to constantly juggle too many balls and are becoming too concerned about what others think if they came tumbling down. Our feelings can stop us from acting and we can go into freeze mode.

I think some neurodivergent folk has had a past where they have had to work harder to show they were 'good enough' and as a result as an adult also keep trying to gain feedback externally in order to know they are doing well.

The fear of being shown up or considered 'less than' by others drives behavior that I think ends up in a greater risk of repeated burnout. I am seeing this again and again as a pattern often in females with ADHD (and others too). I also think there is a consequence of masking/fitting on top of us also takes effort too. The voice in your head telling you - you are not good enough; you are not working hard enough.... is one that needs challenging.

If you believe your internal chatter it can all become too much. When it does it can cause heightened feelings of anxiety too and this, in turn, makes it harder to think clearly, and then we can feel like we are drowning.

When I feel overwhelmed I stop and think about what /who is truly important to me. I also remember that I am also one person that needs to go on 'the caring list'. It makes me focus on what was truly important to do and realize there are not 25/26/27 hours in a day.

You are not alone.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” said ?Brene Brown

8 things you can do if you are feeling overwhelmed and to increase autonomy,

1. Start with a reset and really consider what needs to change. Learn to say No rather than yes - see my newsletter on this. Practice 'the No'. It can take years to be fluent in this language of kindness. What has happened in the past doesn't need to happen in the future. Challenge your inner voice.
2. Create time and space which is for you - even five minutes on your own which is yours can make you feel more in control.
3. Consider what is in the huge pile of things and what is actually necessary to do. Pick one small task and start doing it. This can make you feel like you are achieving something. Tick it off.
4. Calm feelings of fear - Recognize what you actually physically feel when you are anxious and fearful. Is this more shallow breathing, pins, and needles, tightness across your head, clenching your teeth, shrugging shoulders? Once you can recognize this then take some slow deep breaths, give yourself some kindness and be more compassionate. Whenever you feel overwhelmed you can do this.
5. Take one thing at a time - when it all feels too much start with something small and then take another small step. You can gain control.

6. Reframe your work. What do you love about it? What gives you buzz? What opportunities lie within your pile of work? Pick something you like to do and then decide what is urgent and has to be done. We all have only 24 hours in a day. How can you use the next 15 minutes most effectively.. and then the next 15 minutes....

7. Be protective of your time and personal commitments - make a start and end to the day so you feel in control of your personal life and maintain connections that you value.

8. Ensure you have the energy to make the right decisions and this means you need adequate sleep to avoid having huge swings at the weekend compared to the week. Take exercise (even 10 minutes) every day- go outside even when it's raining. Look for green, or for water if you can.

What can organizations do?

Organizations can help others to increase their feelings of connectedness. Researchers such as?Galinsky et al. (2015) ?found that promoting diversity and inclusion led to a reduction in bias and better intergroup interactions.?We need to work together to make a change.

If you haven't done so yet..PLEASE PLEASE

Take 10 minutes to complete the Neurodiversity Index and join the many people who have already done so. Let us know what you are doing well and where the challenges lie.

We want to hear from you if you are ND or not and also from people in roles in HR/EDI/management to understand your organization and what they are doing well.

City and Guilds Neurodiversity Index will help us all.

If you haven't completed?the survey y et - please do have your say. Go to:

https://cityandguildsfoundation.org/advocacy-networks/neurodiversity-index/

***Gain a digital credential too...***

The blog author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of?Do-IT Solutions ?a tech-for-good company that delivers web-based screening tools and training that help 1000s of people deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.

I am also currently on the LinkedIn Creator Accelerator Programme-#LICreatorAccelerator ?

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity. I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself (bits of me I share!).

Theo Smith and I wrote the award-winning book?Neurodiversity at Work?Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce . We have also been shortlisted for an international book award. I have my 10th book coming out called Neurodiversity in Education coming early in 2023. I was also voted one of the top 20 Thinkers by?HR magazine for 2022 !