Neurodiversity 101: Are you in the 'in-crowd' for now.. and we do we fall out?

I have been reading quite a lot about why having a sense of connection and a feeling of belonging with others in the society you live remains a basic human need.

It made me think about why we yearn to find 'our people' and why it is important for all of us and why we can also sometimes mess this up.

This Neurodiversity 101 newsletter is quite a long one.....but it needed to be to discuss it in enough depth...

Finding our people

Comedian Lane Moore’s book "You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult" talks about this with funny anecdotes in more detail.The book describes how other people tell you to make friends and often give a range of ideas in how to do it.

I think we may all have felt alone in a busy room of people. As a child I appeared to be sociable ( socially able) but often felt like I never quite fitted into any social grouping completely.

There is evidence that some neurodivergent people are more likely to experience loneliness and is this because we are often trying to fit into a crowd that communicates differently from us at times and meeting neurotypical expectations of engagement. We may not want to go the birthday party or after work events. As a result we can then be seen as less sociable. It isn't that we are anti-social but.... differently sociable. I love a conversation with someone who really wants to go in depth on a topic where there is a mutual interest.

BUT I really don't like 'cocktail talk'!

Research studies have shown that factors associated with decreased loneliness in autistic adults/some on the autism spectrum ( choose your preferred framing) include having relationships, participation in social skill interventions and/or experiencing fewer difficulties with social skills, positive views and acceptance of oneself, being female and time spent engaging in activities (e.g. online gaming). I wonder if we feel less lonely when we find the people and interests that excite us and where we can form common connections.

The science behind our desire to be part of the in-crowd

Humans are inherently social beings, driven by a desire to belong and be accepted by others. This desire to be part of the "in-crowd" is deeply ingrained in our psychology and has been a significant factor in shaping our behavior and decision-making.

But, what exactly drives this need for social inclusion, and why do we often find ourselves striving to fit in with certain groups?

The evolutionary perspective

From an evolutionary standpoint, the need to belong to a group has been crucial for survival. Early humans relied on group living for protection, access to resources, and successful reproduction. Being part of a group meant better chances of survival against predators, more efficient hunting, and shared responsibilities in raising offspring. This evolutionary background has left a lasting imprint on our brains, making social inclusion a fundamental human need. Today we don't usually need to hunt in packs to survive but a pack mentality often remains. We see that in workplaces as well as at home.

The psychology of belonging

Psychologist Abraham Maslow identified the need for belonging and love as one of the essential human needs in his hierarchy of needs. After basic physiological and safety needs are met, individuals seek social connections and acceptance from others. This need for acceptance is why we often conform to social norms and continue to seek approval from our peers.

Belonging?is a sense of fitting in or feeling like you are an important member of a group.

Fitting in is a feeling of connectedness or having an affinity with a particular person or group.

Affinity is a liking or empathy?for someone or something, especially?because of shared characteristics. The opposite of affinity is dissimilarity, dislike, hatred, hate.

When we consider the opposite, we see why affinity is important as part of being a team. It certainly doesn’t mean we need to all be the same and mimic the behaviours of the main group but it does mean we need to have some shared values.

A sense of belonging is not only innately human, but it is also important in building high-performing teams and is associated with a strong performance in the workplace. We may not like all the same things or work in the same way but we are focusing on the same goals.

Social identity theory

Social identity theory, proposed by psychologist Henri Tajfel, explains how individuals derive their identity and self-esteem from the groups they belong to. According to this theory, people categorise themselves and others into groups (in-groups and out-groups) to enhance self-esteem and maintain a positive self-image.

Being part of a ... provides a sense of belonging, identity, and purpose. We may have a feeling of oscillating between groups as we don't quite fit into any very well. I think this can drive a sense of loneliness.

The benefits of being part of the in-crowd

Improved well-being

Belonging to a social group has been linked to improved mental and physical well-being. Studies have shown that individuals who feel socially connected experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Social connections provide emotional support, a sense of belonging, and a buffer against life's challenges. The challenge can be sometimes related to finding your 'tribe' and that sense of connection and common experiences that one feels when you do.

Enhancing your self-esteem

Being accepted by a group boosts your self-esteem and confidence. Positive social interactions and validation from peers reinforce a sense of self-worth and competence. This is particularly important during adolescence when identity formation is closely tied to peer acceptance more than adult acceptance. This can be a really good reason to have support groups for children and young people who have different neurodivergent traits to experience that sense of belonging and affinity that aids identity formation and a sense of belonging.

Increased opportunities

Belonging to the in-crowd often opens up opportunities for personal and professional growth. Social networks provide access to information, resources, and potential collaborations. Being part of a respected group can enhance one's reputation and credibility, leading to new opportunities.

The upside/downside of conformity

While the desire to be part of the in-crowd has numerous benefits, it can also lead to negative outcomes. Conformity to group norms can suppress individuality and creativity, leading individuals to adopt behaviours that may not align with their values or beliefs. The pressure to fit in can also result in unhealthy behaviors, such as substance abuse or engaging in risky activities, to gain acceptance. We know that there are greater rates of neurodivergent traits among entrepreneurs. We also know that social connections are important for successful growth in businesses. I wonder what the relationship between not fitting into one group and being cleanly defined and being a 'social butterfly' plays out in belonging to a number of networks even superficially but enough.

The downside to conformity in business may be forcing entrepreneurs to make lengthy business plans... rather than enabling someone to act and implement their ideas.

Evolutionary advantages

Balancing the need for social inclusion with maintaining individuality is crucial for personal growth and fulfilment. It may be that successful neurodivergent entrepreneurs can navigate the uncertainties in social contexts because they have had to learn to do so alongside having the X factor of being resilience in the face of feeling different. I think it is important to consider. It may have been derived from learning to cope when you never quite fitting in.We could see this as an evolutionary advantage as innovation is a dynamic and emergent process and not a linear outcome (Petzold et al., 2019).

It also comes with risks because without support from others close to you the risk of anxiety and depression is definitely greater.

Do you want to create your own crowd?

The desire to be part of the in-crowd is a deeply ingrained aspect of human nature, driven by evolutionary, psychological, and neurological factors. While belonging to a social group has numerous benefits, it's essential to balance this desire with maintaining individuality and authenticity. This can be a hard balance.... masking to fit in to any group and being truly comfortable. I am not sure that is ever 100% possible.

'I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member'. said Grouch Marx

What about when the in-crowd turns on each other?

I have seen in the past couple of years 'in tribe' nipping at each other. I wondered why this was happening. We know that many neurodivergent people will have had common experiences of greater challenge and adversity.

There is no doubt that in-group dynamics are complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors, leading sometimes to situations where members of the same group turn against each other. Despite the strong bonds and shared identity typically found within an ingroup, conflicts and divisions can arise.

Here are some reasons why this may be happening in the neurodivergent community:

1. Competition for resources

• Limited resources: Within any group, resources such as power, recognition, and opportunities can be limited. When these resources are scarce, competition can arise, leading to conflicts among group members.
• Status hierarchies: Individuals may compete for higher status or positions within the group. This can create tension and rivalry, as members vie for leadership roles or other prestigious positions.

2. Personal conflicts

• Personality clashes: Differences in personality, values, or opinions can lead to conflicts. Even within a group that shares a common goal or identity, personal disagreements can cause divisions.
• Miscommunication: Poor communication or misunderstandings can exacerbate tensions between group members, leading to conflicts that might not have occurred with clearer communication. This is VERY important. We need to recognise that despite being a 'tribe' we may also have very different communication preferences. We first need to understand ourselves and take responsibility for this too.

“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.”― Epictetus

3. Subgroup formation

• Subgroups and cliques: Over time, subgroups or cliques may form within the larger group, often based on shared interests, backgrounds, or goals. These subgroups can create divisions if they become too insular or competitive with each other. Important that there are some common aims of creating lasting change. There is nothing worse than witnessing this when we are trying to create a neuroinclusive movement that helps all.

“We rise by lifting others.”― Robert Ingersoll

• Loyalty shifts: Members may shift their loyalties to a specific subgroup, leading to conflicts with the larger group or other subgroups.

4. Perceived inequity

• Inequitable treatment: If some group members perceive that they are being treated unfairly or that resources are distributed inequitably, resentment can build, leading to conflicts.
• Favouritism: Perceptions of favouritism by group leaders or influential members can cause friction, as those who feel marginalised may react against perceived injustices.

5. Threats to group identity

• Identity conflicts: Differences in how members perceive the group’s identity or mission can lead to conflicts. If some members feel that the group's direction threatens their values or beliefs, they may turn against other members to protect their vision of the group.
• External threats: Sometimes, external pressures or threats can cause internal divisions, as members disagree on how to respond to outside challenges.

6. Psychological dynamics

• Scapegoating: When a group faces failure or stress, they might look for someone to blame. This can lead to scapegoating, where certain members are unfairly targeted as the cause of the group’s problems.
• Groupthink backlash: Groups that strive for consensus can sometimes stifle dissenting voices. When this happens, suppressed dissent can eventually lead to backlash, with members turning on each other when suppressed issues resurface. I think we always need to stay open to different views. I think about research I did 30 years ago and I am doing now and my lens has certainly changed during that time.

7. Power struggles

• Leadership conflicts: Conflicts over leadership or decision-making authority can create divisions, especially if there are differing visions for the group's future.
• Authority challenges: Members may challenge the authority of current leaders if they feel their leadership is ineffective or not in the group's best interest.

What does this mean for creating neuroinclusive workplaces?

If we want neurodiverse workplaces, where individuals with different neurological profiles work together, understanding these dynamics is crucial for maintaining harmony and productivity:

• Fostering inclusion: To prevent divisions, it is essential to foster an inclusive culture that values diverse perspectives and ensures equitable treatment of all employees.
• Encouraging open communication: Promoting open communication and conflict resolution strategies can help address misunderstandings and prevent personal conflicts from escalating. Understand that we all communicate differently and it is a 2-way street!
• Addressing inequity: Ensuring fair distribution of resources and opportunities can reduce tensions and prevent perceived inequities from causing divisions.
• Building strong leadership: Effective leadership that is transparent and responsive to the needs of all employees can help mitigate power struggles and ensure the group's cohesion.

The blog author

I am Amanda Kirby.I am a parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids some of whom have DCD. I have worked with the Dyspraxia Foundation for more than 35 years...

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity and running a clinical and research team.

I am a medical doctor, G.P, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity;

I am also CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers web-based screening tools and training that help 1000s' of people deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing. Currently also Chair of the ADHD Foundation in the UK.

Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book?Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. My 10th book came out called Neurodiversity and Education in 2023 and there is a new one in the pipeline.

#Neurodiversity #InclusiveThinking #BeyondLabels

References:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4327620/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Finding-Your-People-ultimate-friendship/dp/1761470426