Neurodiversity 101 and regret

Regret is an interesting emotion

That old Frank Sinatra song......'Regrets I had a few'……made me think about what we would do differently if we had our time again....

Quite a few people I speak to talk about the regret they feel when gaining a diagnosis as an adult.They keep thinking about what might have been and would have been different IF they had only known…..

You may want to listen to Celia Hammond and her discussion about regret with some guests on the BBC programme 'All in the Mind'.

How many people regret getting a diagnosis in childhood of one or more neurodivergent conditions and perhaps think that it may have been better not have had their diagnosis?

How many people think it was the best thing to happen to them and life makes more sense to them now because of it?

I wonder if some people may regret having a label as it meant they felt different from others or does it just depend on the one given to you and it fits your frame of thinking?

Is regret a wasted emotion?

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

said C. S. Lewis

When researching for this blog I started reading more about the psychology of regret.It is described as the second most common emotion that we mention in daily life.

Regret is a negative feeling that happens when you have made one decision rather than the decision you actually made.

Looking back makes us think about what would have, should have, could have happened.

We can, if we are not careful become too focused on wanting to correct our past life and we can end up missing out on some of the small and wonderful things that are actually happening on a day to day basis today.

What about counterfactional thinking?

Counterfactional thinking is the human tendency to create possible alternatives to life events that have already occurred; something that is contrary to what actually happened.

Counterfactual thinking is, as it states: "counter to the facts".These thoughts consist of the "What if?" and the "If only..." that occur when thinking of how things could have turned out differently.

The reality is if you were a younger you today then the one you were ( if you get what I mean) your experience may not have happened because today is different to then. I see my grandchild's experience of being neurodivergent different from mine or my children for example... life changes too.....

Do we know more today, do things differently, are different than 20, 30, 40 years ago?

As a parent we may feel regret about what we did not do and think in 'if only' statements. We may wish we had done X to help our child rather than Y and think about what would have happened differently.

The reality is today is a different time.

What do YOU regret?

We regret our inactions more than our actions.If only you had known then what you know now how would that have changed you?

What would have helped you in education, in the workplace, or at home?

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.’

said Heraclitus.

Who are we today?

The person we are today is the sum of many parts of what we have been through and learned along the way.

• Would it have been easier for me to have learned time management strategies when I was in school, and as a medical student? Yes it would have saved me hours and days of lost time....
• Would it have helped me to understand why I became so anxious in my teens worrying about exams? Yes it would have helped me to understand myself better and may have prevented some of the challenges I had not understanding my mismatches....
• Would it have helped me to have felt less frustrated as a teenager as I couldn't get my ideas down on paper in an orderly fashion but knowing I good talk a good answer. Yes it would have,

BUT... The reality is as much as we may want to go back... as far as I know we can’t turn back time.

Common regrets

Reading an article about one nurse who recorded the commonest regrets of people when dying she described the following:

• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
• I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
• I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Reading this has made me think a lot about living for today and not ruminating on a past I cannot change.

It also made me think about Shannon L.Alder's quote:

"One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself"

I worried a lot as a child about what others thought of me. I cared far too much. I worried about worrying!

I regret worrying so much about what others thought of me and it was such a lot of wasted effort.

I always tell my own children that people are thinking often about themselves far more than you think. In reality they are not thinking about you!

Is rumination really worth it?

Rumination is defined as engaging in a repetitive negative thought process that loops continuously in the mind without end or completion.

The cyclical pattern can be distressing, difficult to stop, and unusually involves repeating a negative thought or trying to solve an evasive problem.

Sometimes we ruminate and reflect on our past because of something going on in our present lives.

Reflection is one thing but like a cow chewing the cud again and again what do we really gain from ruminating?

If you have ruminative regrets which are intrusive and repeated, they are usually likely to have worse outcomes and may indicate you are anxious and may be depressed.

What can we do?

• I am not saying forget the past but think about what was actually in your control now.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning."

said Albert Einstein

• Retrospective assessment can have the potential to provide a learning experience.Reflect on what has worked and what has not and what you could differently. Learn, and move on.
• Share your learning with others if appropriate so we can learn from each other.

The blog author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers web-based neurodiversity and wellbeing screening tools and training that help 1000s' of people. We deliver person-centered solutions .

Contact me if you want to discuss how we can help your organisation be more neuroinclusive.

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself.

Theo Smith and I wrote together the award-winning book Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. My 10th book has just come out called Neurodiversity in Education . Thanks to my wonderful co-authors Paul Ellis and Abby Osbourne.