Neurodiversity 101: Good enough parenting..... past and present

“Perhaps it takes courage to raise children..”― John Steinbeck

Neilsen in 2017 published about biases in parenting information and guidance and that it can come from culturally skewed perspectives. (https://theconversation.com/how-parenting-advice-assumes-youre-white-and-middle-class-79333 ). When they reviewed research on parenting guidance they found that:

More than half of the papers (57.65%) relied on research conducted with children growing up in the US, and another 18% only included children from other English-speaking backgrounds.

Fewer than 3% of study participants contributing to our contemporary knowledge of children’s psychological development came from all of Central and South America, Africa, Asia, the Middle East and Israel combined. These areas contain roughly 85% of the world’s population.

In addition,(80%) of papers reporting socio-economic detail said their participants came from middle- to high-socio-economic backgrounds.

They go onto discuss that when we don't consider the different experiences that children may or may not have then we can make assumptions about what is 'normal' or 'abnormal'.... typical or not!

They describe how a" standard test children from non-Western backgrounds does not recognise their mirror image as themselves before the end of their second year . But children in Western populations typically make this connection from around 18 months of age.When writing about Western children researchers typically state something like “at least by 24 months of age, toddlers … know what they look like”. But “toddlers” don’t, just mainly white, middle-class toddlers, from English-speaking families ."

Don't compare yourself...

I know how parents can be hyper-critical of our child when they act differently from others around them. I remember, when I was running a Neurodevelopmental clinic one parent telling me that they had sent out 30 invites for their kids party and had had no responses! How horrible that must have been!

Some of the 'parenting gurus' over the years that have guided different generations of parents - I have read manuals with step by step approaches and I am not sure of they drive a parent to expect themselves to be a perfect parent, constantly feeling bad when you have not got it as right as possible. I think aspiring to a vision that is neuro-normative is a real challenge for us all. When things don't always go right....we feel as a parent we have failed our children.

Parenting is certainly a long journey with bumps along the way

As a parent and a grandparent I know it is a long journey.It is filled with many many challenges, joys, highs and lows and learning experiences. You are presented with hidden and more obvious hurdles and that you will trip over. It can cost you more in time and money to parent as I have noted in some of my published research asking many parents of their experiences.

When raising a neurodivergent children there is an added complexity not only because your child may have a variety of needs in order to showcase their brilliance but also because often other people around you don't always know how to react and may not know how to fully support your child. Sometimes they may choose to criticise or ignore you and your child. This can feel painful and wounding as we are all want others to see the wonder of your child. We seek this out also as it reassures us about our parenting abilities.

Sometimes off-hand criticisms such as telling your child to stop fidgeting and to sit still when they can't bring out our 'battle mum'.

Past framings

In 1928, John B. Watson argued that children should be treated as adults. Mothers should habituate their children to strict schedules, let them cry themselves to sleep and avoid too much love and attention. In his 1930 book, “Behaviorism,” he wrote:

“Never, never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say goodnight. Shake hands with them in the morning.”

Dr Spock and parenting- Dr Spock wrote the “The Common Sense Book of Baby and Childcare ,”. He was very different and advocated advocated a very different approach. He believed that children come into the world with distinct needs, interests and abilities, and that the core of good parenting is attending carefully to what each child requires at each stage of development. ( Read more about him..https://theconversation.com/dr-spocks-timeless-lessons-in-parenting-122377 )

― Benjamin Spock

In the 1950s, UK paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described the concept of 'good enough' parenting.His theory asserted that children can actually benefit from parents who sometimes "fail" them in specific ways.

Other framings....that have come and gone....

Refrigerator parenting:The terms refrigerator mother and refrigerator parents were coined around 1950 as a label for mothers or fathers of children diagnosed with autism or schizophrenia . Both terms are now regarded as stigmatising, and thank goodness they are no longer used.

Helicopter parenting: Vigda l undertook a review of 'helicopter parenting' ( a term associated with overprotective and controlling parenting),and the relation to anxiety and depression. They found that there was not great evidence of the association between the two.

“One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them.”― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

"Good enough parenting" and parenting neurodivergent children

1. Embracing imperfection

"Good enough parenting" doesn't mean neglecting a child's basic needs or emotional well-being. Children still need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. What it does do is to recognise that parents will get it wrong sometimes and this is also a natural part of being a parent.

Children need to experience sadness, frustration, and even anger to develop resilience (but not in a harmful way). It allows children to see that dealing with these emotions is also important too. With a neurodivergent child the way you speak, or demonstrate your feelings may be important so they are not misunderstood. I have seen in the past couple of weeks how my children and grandchildren soak my emotions in and certainly feel the atmosphere in a room in a way that shows high levels of empathy. One toddler has been reacting more to others in nursery, another slightly older asks a series of questions which make you want to cry and laugh at the same time; and another is quieter. They react very differently depending on their setting and those around them.

Some of our children have a lower tolerance to uncertainty (past blog) and it can drive up their anxiety levels. However, if we can be with them in these times it can also teach them that life doesn't always go as expected and problem solving can help. Learning to ask for help is also important( I have never been very good at that!)This is an essential lesson for neurodivergent children who may face unique and continuing challenges that life presents. Acknowledging that and providing the tools to help your child deal with these times is a wonderful gift if you can do so.

3. Tuning into your child

"Good enough parenting" focuses on understanding and responding to your child's emotions and evolving needs.We also need to recognise that being inconsistent comes from dealing with changes over time that you will not be able to predict. Being kind to yourself is important and not self-flagellating!

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is quoted as saying:"change is the only constant in life."

As much as we can respond quickly to your baby's cries it is not possible to instantly respond to teenagers needing to reflect and face the consequences of their choices or allowing them to consider what they could and should be. This can be hard as a parent seeing your teen struggle.

4. Embracing and understanding their emotions

None of us like our children to be in distress. Sometimes we have to talk about things that may be hard and we worry especially for our neurodivergent kids that they will be able to cope. I have seen that they can hurt deeply but also demonstrate to you some wonderful caring skills at the same time that have taught me a lot. One of my children recently spoke for my family at one of the most painful times ever and I wanted to not let them feel pain. They did so not only with grace but made me so proud of the person they were having such courage.

Don't attempt to suppress your child's emotions; instead, empathise with them.Understand that suffering and hurt often results from avoiding uncomfortable emotions and discussions rather than experiencing them. Being there is often enough for a child. You don't need to be perfect and get it all right.

5. Having realistic expectations

Setting realistic standards for your child is crucial. Don't expect them to tidy their room when they're tired and hungry or to do tasks at a certain age when they haven't got the pre-skills sorted just because other kids are doing X at 5 or Y at 11 years of age.Accept your child for who they are, including their unique interests and talents.

6. Setting boundaries

"Good enough parenting" involves balancing unconditional love with healthy boundaries.Set clear, consistent boundaries in your relationship, teaching your child about respect and appropriate behaviour. But also know there will be time when you stretch them as you will not be always be consistent. That is OK too!

7. Managing your mistakes

Acknowledge that you will make mistakes as a parent. Lots and lots of them.When you do, model emotional regulation in yourself and apologise to your child. They see you are modelling what you are asking them to do too. Be compassionate with yourself, take breaks, and seek support when needed.?

"Good enough parenting" underscores the importance of flexibility, empathy, and accepting your child's unique needs. It acknowledges that perfection is unattainable and that embracing imperfections can be a powerful tool in nurturing resilient and emotionally healthy neurodivergent children. It is quite a good approach to take for us too!?

Blog Author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers consultancy and guidance, consultancy, training and web-based screening tools that have helped 10s of 1000s of people.

Contact us and we can discuss how we can help.

We strive to deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.

I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; most important of all I am a parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself.

I have written 10 books so far.Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book?Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce . My 11th book came out in 2023 Neurodiversity and Education . Theo and I are writing a new book this year about parenting and neurodiversity!