The neurodivergent family member, with their empathy, resilience, and forgiveness, becomes the narcissist’s lifeline

By Walthari Nikolaj

In families where narcissism and neurodivergence intersect, a disturbing dynamic can emerge: narcissists targeting neurodivergent family members not because they are weak, but precisely because they are strong. This behavior is rooted in an unsettling mix of envy, admiration, and dependence. Narcissists are drawn to the resilience, compassion, and extraordinary tolerance that some neurodivergent individuals possess—the very traits that allow these family members to repeatedly endure and forgive abuse. It’s a twisted relationship that fuels the narcissist’s need for validation, while also allowing them to maintain control over someone whose strength they both covet and despise.

At the heart of this dynamic is jealousy. Neurodivergent individuals often possess remarkable resilience. They navigate the world with a different set of challenges and, as a result, develop a unique toughness. They have been forced to adapt, often making them more emotionally and mentally enduring than others. Narcissists, whose fragile egos cannot tolerate failure or personal flaws, are painfully aware of their own fragility. They are acutely jealous of the neurodivergent family member's ability to withstand hardship. Yet, instead of respecting this resilience, the narcissist feels compelled to attack it. In their warped mind, breaking down that strength becomes a way to regain power.

Compounding this envy is the deep well of compassion that neurodivergent individuals often have. While the narcissist operates from a place of self-centeredness, the neurodivergent family member often gives their love and empathy freely, even to those who hurt them. The narcissist feeds off this compassion, knowing that they will be forgiven for their transgressions time and again. It’s not that the narcissist misunderstands the harm they are causing—they recognize it, but they are also acutely aware that their neurodivergent target is more likely to forgive them than to walk away.

This compassion is not just a soft, emotional trait; it is a profound strength that allows neurodivergent individuals to maintain their sense of self, even when subjected to manipulation and control. The narcissist, who is constantly chasing validation and affection but can never seem to truly feel secure, is deeply dependent on this compassion. It maybe the only real love they have experienced in their lives, that the narcissist never got or can't have in a narcissistic relationship. In some bizarre, delusional way, they believe that their neurodivergent family member is the only person who truly understands them, because often they do. The narcissist’s other relationships are hollow, built on facades of superiority and shallow connections. Only the neurodivergent family member’s forgiveness and love feel real to the narcissist, which creates a sickening bond between abuser and victim, and maybe even Stockholm Syndrome. The victim loves their abuser, and this is natural especially if the abuser is a parent or sibling.

This need for something "real" in their lives drives the narcissist’s obsession with their neurodivergent family member. While narcissists surround themselves with people who inflate their egos or enable their delusions of grandeur, these relationships are ultimately empty. There is no genuine connection, no lasting validation in these interactions. The neurodivergent family member, with their empathy, resilience, and forgiveness, becomes the narcissist’s lifeline to something that feels authentic. They know, deep down, that most of their world is built on lies and manipulation. But this one person—the neurodivergent individual they abuse—is real. The love they give is real, the forgiveness they extend is real, and the endurance they show is real.

In a perverse way, the narcissist "loves" their neurodivergent family member. They need them, not in a healthy, reciprocal way, but in a parasitic manner that feeds off the very qualities they don't have. The narcissist knows that without this person, they are left with only the hollow shell of their false reality. But their love is not love in any true sense; it is a dependence born from the narcissist’s own emptiness. The neurodivergent family member is the one person they can continually abuse and yet still receive some semblance of emotional sustenance from. And that’s exactly why they keep coming back to hurt the very person they claim to love.

This toxic dynamic is at the core of many narcissistic family structures. It isn’t merely about control or power for its own sake—it’s about the narcissist’s desperate attempt to shore up their own fragile sense of self by attacking the resilience, compassion, and tolerance of the neurodivergent family member. They exploit these qualities, not because they view their family member as weak, but because they are painfully aware of how much stronger their target truly is.

The cycle of abuse in these families persists not because the neurodivergent family member lacks the strength to break free, but because they are compassionate enough to hope for change, and resilient enough to withstand more than anyone should ever have to. The narcissist exploits these very strengths, feeding off them while simultaneously trying to tear them down.

In the end, the neurodivergent family member represents everything the narcissist both longs for and resents: real emotional depth, true resilience, and a capacity for forgiveness that the narcissist cannot fathom. The narcissist’s obsession with their victim is not just about control—it is about their own deep-seated inadequacies. The neurodivergent individual becomes the mirror through which the narcissist sees both their own failings and the qualities they will never possess. This recognition only fuels the abuse, creating a vicious cycle that both parties are trapped in—until one finds the strength to break free.