Networking for Introverts

In March of 2020, I felt like I’d been granted a wish by a genie who was a bit too literal. “I would give anything to be alone.” Wish granted -- poof -- the world shuts down.

Wait, can I adjust the wording of my wish…? ??

“People are always so boring when they band together. You have to be alone to develop all the idiosyncrasies that make a person interesting.” – Andy Warhol

Home alone has always been my happy place. I spent my childhood sitting in the back of a hot car in traffic, ignoring the chaos in the front seat, reading my books. My late teens and early 20s consisted of me crawling along “the 5” to “the 55” or “the 57” or “ the 101” (watch The Californians on SNL - it’s basically spot on) in my old Honda CRX on my way to & from both of my 2 jobs, college, and whoever I was dating. They inevitably also lived around 2 hours away because no one cool lived in OC. 

After years of commuting, I dreamed of working from home. I landed in the Bay Area in 2002 and vowed never to sit in traffic again. I drive as little as possible and refuse to drive within SF city limits. I always take public transit when I can and I’m much happier when I’m not in a car, even if it means I’m not alone. My first 10 years in the Bay was spent working at a quiet company in Berkeley with a 15-minute commute, some of which I did via Vespa (highly recommended!). That job was good for my introverted soul.

But I needed to push myself and my comfort zone, so in 2012, I started work at my first SF startup for 2 insane years. I wore earplugs at all times on public transit when I wasn't listening to something. I worked late, hung out with my coworkers outside of work, and often got home on the last train back to Oakland, running the 15 minute walk from either BART station to my apartment, for safety. Uber & Lyft were a luxury and I was determined to save to buy my house. Someday: my own alone sanctuary! It was my #1 goal.

I was quickly exhausted by the commute and the people, but the energy of our amazing team was addictive! I even worked for a Sales leader and grew to genuinely love our loud, boisterous teams. I learned not to cringe when someone high-fived me and not to panic when the sound of the foosball ‘crack!’ happened right next to my desk. 

Until last year, I was on that hamster wheel of 6:10am wake up, 7:06 Transbay bus, 2 walking laps around the Transbay Terminal rooftop garden while listening to my podcasts: Danny in the Valley, 99% Invisible, Here’s the Thing, Fresh Air, or This American Life. I’d be in the office by 8 or 8:10am and sprint to the 4pm bus, working during my commute. 

It was a groove. My groove. And I loved it. I loved everything about it because half of my time, I was introverted - in GSD mode, working silently on the bus or in my corner of the office and the rest was working in groups and in meetings. I had a good balance of both recharging and emptying my batteries.

I also planned my entire life around my commute. After 15 years of saving (and running home from BART in the dark), I bought a too-small-yet-affordable house in a neighborhood in Richmond situated 15 minutes from a BART station - and even better - a few minute walk to 2 Transbay bus lines. If I knew I didn’t have to anchor my life to the ability to get to and from San Francisco, I might have made very different choices, but perhaps that’s a future article.

“I’ve never regretted NOT going out. It’s quite the opposite.” – Me

If, like me, you are an introvert who can perform like an extrovert, you may find great relief when plans are cancelled. You get a sudden rush of energy when a Zoom disappears from your work calendar. At large Admin events, you may find yourself stepping away from the noise, congregating with a few interesting new connections. You treasure both time spent alone and in intimate groups. I often signed up for Admin social events and either pushed myself to go (against all of my instincts, imagining the sprint I’d be doing to get home in the dark) or allowed myself to go home instead and shirk my responsibilities. I bargained that this was a social event and could be missed.  

I never forget a face but I’m terrible with names. It’s a running joke at work that when someone introduces themselves to me, I hear the loud words, “Not Shelley” as they say their name, deaf to the actual words. I both care deeply about people and I also could live without seeing a soul for much longer than most folks could survive, but I regret not networking with other strong Admins sooner in my career.

So why would someone like me tell you to push yourself to go outside of your comfort zone? Because networking is the single most important thing you could possibly do for yourself, your career and your skill growth. Connecting with other people - virtually or IRL (when it’s safe again) is the key to building out your network. You may have heard the saying: “Your network is your net worth” and I think it’s true. 

???♀?You’re juggling more & more, but you're not adding any hands.

If you’re working as the sole EA at a small company, you’re probably juggling a lot of varied responsibilities. Who do you ask for advice when you’re the only one unique to your role? Who can you ask about setting boundaries, about what’s an appropriate use of your time, and about how you can get to the next level? How do you know if your salary is in line with current markets? Who do you call on to press you about your preconceived notions about the status quo and about whether, after so many years, your CEO will ever stop deleting the threads from his emails so that you can finally have the context that you need to know how you should prioritize each meeting and be his strategic partner? ??

?? No one regrets having exercised.

I hate exercise more than most people* but there's no better feeling than lying in shavasana, body covered in cold sweat as I go from way-too-heated to finally feeling like I won't vomit. I mean, who wouldn't want the feeling of having accomplished something SO FREAKING HARD and now having it be over?!

If you're shy and you're afraid to reach out to new folks - either at an event or online, just imagine yourself in that post-networking bliss moment. The awkward introduction is over, you've chatted and found some common ground. What if you assumed that they are as excited to meet you as you are to meet them? This person is great! You're already there. Go for it!

?? Make it effortless to say yes.

Other than a professional coach (which I highly recommend), reach out to other EAs on LinkedIn and ask them for a quick phone call or Zoom. Plan out your ask & keep it reasonable, i.e. I’d love to grab 30 minutes of your time to discuss how you moved upward in your career and get guidance for what you think I could be doing. Make the request easy to accept by offering times that work for you. You might not hear back from everyone (I still have messages from a month ago that I need to triage) but keep reaching out!

?? Goodbye can be hello.

When a beloved coworker leaves your company, it’s a future opportunity for you. You might want to work at their new company someday. You also just might want to ask them for a reference. If you envision us all as a giant web of connections, with each person having touch points with hundreds, perhaps even thousands of other folks, imagine the network you have when you add even a handful of new people into your life.

?? Keep those connections! 

Did you have a great intro call? Have you ever interviewed with someone who you thought was stellar but you either didn’t get the job or you weren’t able to offer them the job? That relationship isn’t over after the intro. Keep in touch. You never know when your paths may cross again. 

I will never forget your face. Can you please remind me how to spell your name? ??

*Yoga for Haters is my idea for teaching a yoga class for people like me.