Networking as an Introvert: how I made my nemesis my superpower

When I first qualified as a coach, I started forcing myself to go to networking events.

It was painful.

I'd find myself in noisy rooms full of people dressed far more smartly than I, all engaged in animated chatter.

I'd get overwhelmed and overstimulated.

There was no way I was going to randomly insert myself in a group of strangers and shoe horn myself into their conversation, so mostly I'd stand on the outer edges of the event and observe.

I'd speak to the people who approached me and also occasionally approach those who were also alone and looking lost but, whilst in general I find establishing a rapport with new people easy, these interactions felt unnatural.

Forced.

And even though I know that networking is meant to be about talking about your work, when the very first words a stranger says to you are, "What do you do?" It leaves me cold.

Small talk in general leaves me cold.

It numbs my brain and leaves it empty of thought.

My personality curls up and hibernates; I am not able to be my best self.

And let's not even get on to the 'elevator pitch' we're told to unleash on each new person. To me, when they're so curated and rehearsed they begin to feel inauthentic.

We'd all duly exchange business cards and then never speak to each other again, because there had been no real connection.

I'd get home feeling drained and frustrated.

After torturing myself with several of these events, I decided something had to change.

Introverts typically don't enjoy networking.

As an introvert, I find noisy environments and large groups of people overwhelming...unless I have a specific role: when I speak, or facilitate, I am at ease and experience everything very differently.

When I don't have a role, I'm not the best version of me.

In addition to having a genuine aversion to small talk, I think these events trigger something in me from my childhood: of being isolated during school break times and picked last in P.E.

No matter how confident I become, the child version of me emerges and I have to once again fight my ingrained limiting beliefs.

It's also cognitive effort.

Most introverts dislike small talk and insincere interactions.

If we try to fake extroversion, because society makes it seem that's how we can be successful, we are more likely to get burnt out and experience Imposter Syndrome; others are more likely to perceive us as inauthentic.

And whilst shyness and introversion are two very different things (when you're shy you fear social interactions; when you're introverted you're drained and overwhelmed by them), both the shy and the introverted tend to end up on the fringes, looking and feeling othered.

But introversion can be a networking superpower.

Holly Raider, a clinical professor of Management and Managing Director of Executive Education at the Kellogg school of Management believes that introverts can thrive when networking - and even harness it as a superpower.

How? By focusing on what we do best: shaping individual conversations.

Raider suggests introverts first work on their mindset: she says approaching the situation with curiosity, primes us to lean into our natural talents: observation, listening and asking questions.

Rather than feel pressured to speak to as many people as possible, she advises choosing talking partners carefully, perhaps by having researched attendees beforehand.

This way, the focus can be on relationship-building and not business cards: the conversation can go deeper and become more meaningful.

Raider also cautions that these conversations shouldn't go on for too long; it's easy for introverts to get absorbed by meaningful conversation and authentic connection but, much like with dating, it's best to leave them wanting more! Have an exit strategy, such as offering to connect on LinkedIn or arranging a time to continue the conversation 1:1, that you can use during a relevant pause and then move on.

How I made networking work for me

Once I'd reached my networking pain threshold I knew I had to find another way.

I'd been attending a Meetup group called Entrepreneurs in London, which had two types of events: networking minglers and a talk by a thought leader followed by networking.

I decided I was going to stop going to the former, to preserve my energy, and focus instead on the talks; that way, there was already a focus to any potential conversations.

Additionally, I signed up to join the crew. This meant I had a role, because my purpose was to help the event run smoothly, and attendees with any issues.

Once I was on the crew I found it much easier to approach people - even groups - because my focus was on helping them and not myself.

This meant I began interacting with more people.

However, I still had the issues around small talk and lack of meaningful connection.

So I began to use my skills to direct the conversations in the direction I wanted them to go - they may have started as small talk but I was very quickly able to take them deeper.

I had control, and this increased my confidence.

For a FREE guide containing 25 scripts for networking and social interactions, click here.

At this point in time, I wasn't really using LinkedIn.

But several months later I joined Google's #IAmRemarkable project as the Global Training Lead and inadvertently found that, when I was encouraging attendees of my Train-the-Trainer sessions to connect with each other here to build supportive networks as they embarked on their facilitator journeys, they were also requesting to connect with me.

And, naturally, we were engaging online.

Now, introverts typically have a preference for the written word - that's certainly true of me - and I began to realise that this was a form of networking I'd never even considered to be networking: we were naturally interacting, strengthening relationships and elevating each other.

It felt authentic.

And it felt good.

My connections also periodically connected me to people in their networks - and vice versa - and this led to 1:1 conversations, which is another introvert strength.

My network began to grow, organically, without me having to attend a single event that I didn't want to attend.

And I was able to be my best self by embracing my introverted strengths and leaning into what was authentic for me.

This was a game-changer.

Networking can take many forms. We all need connections; that's how the world works. But how we get, and interact, with them is our choice ??

What networking strategies have worked for you? Let us know in the comments.

And if you found this newsletter helpful, please share!

__________________________

Digital Products for introverts.

I've launched a series of digital products, a special offer and a membership group for introverts via my Stan Store.

I'd really appreciate it if you could go and check out my store and then DM me with what you think - or anything you'd like me to add.

You can find them?here .

And please feel free to share with anyone it may help ??

Thank you!

__________________________

About Me

I help introverts develop authentic confidence, through coaching, training and digital products,?so that they can thrive without having to change who they are,?and companies?through training, coaching and consultancy,?to address the workplace bias towards extroversion.

Through developing my own authentic confidence I have been able to build a life on my terms, working part-time for full-time income, travel solo around the world, work with companies like Google and speak, with confidence, to entire auditoriums. I've already helped thousands of individuals, across 169 countries globally, to develop confidence and communication skills, as well as manage Imposter Syndrome and limiting beliefs. Helping others feel enough is my passion.

If you are an?introvert looking to feel more confident, set boundaries to help you balance your time and be able to understand, and communicate, your value to others; a leader looking to better support your introverted talent;?or?a company committed to achieving intersectional equity and inclusion,?DM me?or?visit my website , to find out more about how I can help you.

Alternatively, you can?subscribe to my email list?for additional updates and inspiration; I periodically send out free tools and resources to my email subscribers to help with their transformation. Sign up?here . I also have a Stan Store with digital products designed to help introverts overcome their most common problems. Check it out here .