Networking, Day 8/30: Starting Conversations

Kid: Good afternoon. My name is Russell. And I am a wilderness explorer... Are you in       need of any assistance today, sir?           Man: No.

Have you noticed people walking around like they're a "Bubble Boy" (2001 movie), and if anyone was to invade their invisible little space, they can act threatened or violated? It's a natural defence mechanism, but not great people skills. Giving someone sincere positive energy metaphorically lowers their guard but doesn't get rid of their bubble. Engaging someone is not the same as starting a conversation - that will require either being invited in to their bubble, or seeing if they're willing to get rid of it. Sometimes the other person makes it easy, sometimes they need a little help, and sometimes it just wasn't meant to be. 

Tip 8: Once you've engaged someone, be ready to put in a little work to see if the conversation can become natural. 

Everyone has the ability to be a good conversationalist, all it takes is the right circumstances and the right partner. That's not just positive mental attitude - it's a world view (your fundamental way of seeing things). If you don't believe that, it will explain why you may struggle to make conversation. Hopefully the next few days can do more than teach you about networking; it can help you broaden your view on life!

Think about another person's life (their bubble) as a mystery room. You have no idea what the size, what the decorations will be, where they came from, what they mean, and where else the room might lead. It's really pretty exciting! The challenge is that we're on the outside of the room. Starting the conversation is like getting the door open. There are a few different scenarios, and knowing them can help you to feel better when you encounter them:

• They can be a wide open door. Right from engagement the chemistry is good. You ask a question, they freely answer, and you enjoy what they have to share. They've invited you in, and you like the room. When this happens, just enjoy the experience and the new friendship. 
• They can be a closed door with no lock. Once you engage, they might be a bit unsure how to respond. It's almost like they're looking through the peephole assessing you. You're have to put in a little work here, but after a  bit of banter, they feel good enough about you to open the door to let you in so you can actually engage in the conversation. The exercise at the end will walk you through different things you can do to move from engagement in to conversation (open up the door)
• They may be a closed, sticky door. This feels a lot like the last scenario at first, but even after some transitional questions, they're still too guarded to open the door. You're going to have to jiggle the handle a little. This is why you prepared F.O.R. a conversation for someone who doesn't quite know how to dance with you. 
• They may be a closed, locked door. As you engage and carry the conversation F.O.R. a few minutes, it may feel like there's just nothing happening. Then, just as you're ready to walk away, something clicks, and they change their demeanour, tone, or responsiveness. You just have to recognize that the key for some people to open up is just finding that one thing you have in common, or that they're super excited to talk about. Of course, everyone has such a key. The challenge is you have NO CLUE what the key is! And frankly you won't have time to discover it with a lot of people. In these scenarios, just remember that your focus is to give them sincere positive energy and that you took the time to try to get to know them. It's ok. If you try to push, especially if for selfish motives, it may end up like this.
• They may be a locked door with a repulsing button like the one in Tomorrowland or a grouchy old man like in Up. These people are determined not to let anyone in, and just push them away. It happens, and it's not your job to become friends with every person on the planet. Toward the end of this series we'll talk about a few fun situations that show there's always hope, but in general if someone is determined to keep you out, best to leave it to extraordinary circumstances to bring you together. 

Application: 

The conversation-starting metaphor of jiggling a door handle is surprisingly accurate. You're inquisitive, unsure and hopeful, but without trying you'll never know what lies beyond. The questions you'll be asking will start with whatever your engagement, and move toward F.O.R. Again, it's going to take work. I prefer not to script things, but for the most part people are pretty predictable, so don't worry too much if your 'jiggling' feels like a lot of repeating. It may not be your first time that day asking the questions, but it's your first time with that person. 

Here are some of the more common topics for engaging someone. I'm going to give you a head start for the first couple, and you can fill in the rest. Write down a few questions you can ask to 'jiggle' and see if there's a conversation to be had.

Children (eg. aaww, your kids are so cute!) How old? Is this your first? Do you have some time off, or are you back to work? ______________________

Clothes (wow, that's a great shirt / accessory!) Where did you get it? Can I ask what name (that way, even if no conversation, you can at least find out where you could get a cool shirt)? And is that something you wear for work? _____________________________________________________

Cars (hey, that's a good looking rig! great looking rims!) What model is this? And is that stock, or did you do anything to it? How long have you had it for? Nice. (you may end up talking cars for a while if you're a car person, or you may transition) So are you just getting off work or did you have the day off?  _____________________________________________________

Now try the same with lineups, funny situations, beautiful scenery, good food, tech toys, books, watches, kicks (shoes), music, and just general positivity. 

Note: this was by far the hardest blog to write in the series, because there is a general feeling out there that conversation should just sorta 'happen' and we don't want to feel like we're manipulating people. You aren't. Remember, most people only feel comfortable talking in their room or bubble, and don't have a very broad scope of conversation topics. Most people aren't comfortable with strangers not because they don't want to make new friends, but because they are afraid they won't know what to say. By prepping, and being willing to work, YOU ARE THE EXPERT to help them feel like a good conversationalist. That's their key to unlock the door.