NERVES AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM

A problem my clients face. 

Nerves 

Nerves that stop them from doing their thing. 

Crippling nerves, not butterflies but the sheer terror that affects some people, for example when they want to do public speaking.

Public speaking fears can stop somebody from progressing in their career. 

This can stop them from sharing their message, it can affect their self-confidence and self-belief because they don't get to be a voice in the professional arena, they don't get to be heard. 

This will, in fact, also impact somebody's earning potential. 

I've worked with people who have stammers for example, who are incredibly frustrated because they are not able to convey their expertise effectively. They may be industry leaders and experts, but because of the stammer, they feel they can't convey their expertise to their colleagues, and the industry as a whole. 

The problem that people face with public speaking fears is self-doubt and their world tends to get smaller. 

They second-guess themselves they, they can often have this feeling of regret, of ”Esprit d'Escalier", which means "the spirit of the staircase". It's the “coulda, shoulda woulda” effect that people have when the moment has passed. 

When you think: “Oh, I shouldn’t have said this". "I should have said that”, you wish you could go back and change things. 

And of course, the next time you're in a social situation or a work situation this is going to affect you. 

And it's going to make you more nervous. It's going to make you less of a natural networker because you'll be so focused on yourself and not so focused on other people. And the common purpose of being there in a networking session. 

The next problem is loss of enjoyment. 

Loss of enjoyment of work, loss of enjoyment of life. 

And that is just a terrible shame. 

So, the solution is to get some perspective. 

Step number one is accepting that you have a problem. Accepting the current situation. 

This sounds a little bit counterproductive because we want to change. But the more added pressure we add to ourselves, the more recrimination and tension this will add to your nervous system. Your physical and mental tension will increase and this will make you less likely to make progress. Some very interesting research from Stanford professor Kelly McGonigal  quoted in Tara Mohr's book Playing Big that has proved that being mean to yourself doesn't actually work. 

Even though we think it might. So, acceptance is the key. There are physical techniques that you can add to this acceptance that can help you with the relaxation, as well as some humour, you can add humour to it and with a skilled coach, especially one who's trained in "provocative therapy" as I am. 

The are commonly quoted "work arounds" and techniques. So, for example, with public speaking phobia imagining the audience naked is not going to work for most people!

One thing that may work is relaxation techniques beforehand. 

One top tip I give clients is to put their focus on to the audience and their message, instead of themselves. A good technique as you're waiting to go on stage is to look around the room, move your neck. 

And also, smile and make eye contact with a few people, if you can, walk around the room, introduce yourself to a few people beforehand, introduce yourself to the technical people and make friends with everybody. This will get your nervous system into what's known as Social Engagement, and it will calm down your natural fight or flight response. 

Because this is what's actually happening in the case of a public speaking phobia. Just the thought of a public speaking opportunity will send your nervous system into fight or flight. So your body and your mind will react as if you are in physical danger. 

This is a physiological response, the stress hormones, the breathing changes and a lot of the blood goes from your prefrontal cortex into the rest of your body, your heart, your lungs your arms and your legs, so you can literally run away or fight. 

Now, this is not what you want when you do public speaking, because you need that brainpower you need to be in social engagement. You need to focus on your audience. You don't need to focus on running away or fighting somebody! 

Another technique that you could use to with this is a relaxation technique called tapping or Emotional Freedom Techniques that I teach all my clients who do public speaking. In fact, I taught this to a client who was giving a speech to 500 people, and he has a stammer.

He was practicing this tapping technique behind the lectern, the whole way through his keynote and it enabled him to get through it without having to run off because his nerves got the better of him. 

So, relaxation, as much as possible, calming the nervous system as much as possible is a very good idea. 

Number three, the final solution is to work with a specialist. 

I am a specialist in helping people manage nerves. I suggest that you find two specialists to help you. You need somebody like me for the nerves. You may also need help you with the actual skills of public speaking, so that you feel that you have given yourself the best possible chance. So that you give a good speech that you're not just reading from a sheet of paper in a monotone voice! And need to craft your message to your audience. But then, also, that you have dealt with some of the triggers that will make you too nervous to do any of the more sensible practical things that you've been taught. 

So, when I work with somebody with a public speaking phobia, I will find the triggers. So we have a quick little chat, and I find the triggers. By I tend to use an Eye Movement Technique that helps with the triggers. And these triggers are often completely unrelated to public speaking. For example, it might be something that happened to you when you were little for instance, and some other child was mean to you. It might be a memory where something's happened to you in the family home. Very often mealtimes can be quite stressful so it could be something related to that. Or it could be a belief that's been conveyed to you somehow that you've internalized, for example,: ”Children should be seen and not heard”. If this belief has become internalized even subconsciously, you will get fears of public speaking. 

TRAUMA

Now sometimes traumatic things have happened. I worked with several people now who have been doing quite important public speeches. One was was doing a TEDx talk, and her mouth was so dry she couldn't speak. 

Her mouth went so dry that she had to redo the talk! And she finally finished it on the third attempt. 

I've worked with someone who went completely blank in front of 100 colleagues. And this has been the trigger for the public speaking phobia. So specialist treatment is required in these sorts of cases.

If you're interested in having some confidential work on your public speaking issues or any anxiety issues, then you can send me a message here on LinkedIn. You can also call my office on 02074678495. You can book in for a one-off taster session or a bespoke coaching package that will help you get more confidence, we will deal with your triggers and get you to do public speaking and actually fall in love with public speaking so that you can learn to shine. 

One final tip that I will leave you with comes from my friend and colleague Jeremy Nicholas is that. Don't try to be a speaker. Be a talker. 

The difference is that you're not putting so much pressure on yourself. 

And that you still go out and your voice is heard. Because your voice is as valid as anybody else's. 

No matter what you might have been told. when you were a child.