A Negotiator's Toughest Balancing Act

You can’t negotiate without communicating.

And you can’t negotiate well without communicating well.

So what does it mean to communicate well as a negotiator? Professor Robert Mnookin says that it depends on the ability to “to strike an effective balance between empathy and assertiveness. Empathy involves effectively understanding your counterpart’s perspective and expressing his viewpoint in a nonjudgmental manner. Assertiveness is the ability to express and advocate for your own needs, interests, and perspectives.”

Mnookin, who was chair of the Harvard Project on Negotiation for 25 years, explains that creating this balance of empathy and assertiveness first requires self-awareness, and preparation, for the challenge of structuring the conversation with the other party. Are we competent to defend our own point of view, and still acknowledge the other’s perspective on the issue?

On the one hand, we must build affiliation and trust with our counterparts. One of the most effective ways to do this is by listening to their point of view, and demonstrating that they are being heard and understood. But understanding their perspective does not mean we agree with it, so we must communicate in a clear and positive way that we see things differently.

Mnookin suggests to practice your story: what are your interests, why are they important to you, and how is it what you are suggesting as a proposal can also meet their interests. Then, in your meeting, ask the other side to present their perspective first. And listen; take notes; ask questions; and demonstrate your desire to understand. Then you can share your point of view.

In order to influence the other party to consider your proposal over theirs, your statement, “This produces a good outcome for both of us” can only be credible if you have shown the other party you comprehend their interests and positions. You can’t convince someone you empathize with their point of view if you haven’t shown an interest in their point of view.

It is, perhaps, a negotiator’s toughest balancing act: trying to control the weight of your own interests while adding on the weight of the other party’s interests. Tip too much to one side and the outcome could be a disaster. The more adept you can become establishing empathy with another, the lighter the load becomes as they start to share in understanding your point of view.