Negotiate Don't Punish
Andy McDonnell
Professor of Autism Studies, Birmingham City University, Clinical Psychologist at Studio3 Training Systems
In my work I am often asked about the role of punishment to correct behaviours. There is no doubt that sanctions and negative consequences can have an impact on the behaviour of children and adults. But, what do people learn in these circumstances? Our role is to encourage self regulation rather than imposing external controls. We need to role model negotiation skills. This is not an easy path, but, the benefits are huge. Boundaries and rules can be necessary but, like all other things should be used in moderation. Too many rules and sanctions often traumatises people. So how do we negotiate? Ask the person 'meet me half way'. To achieve this requires a focus on compromise and that may not be easy. My advice is to always consider the long term impact of what you do. What you like your children to say in years to come 'My Mum or Dad was tough' or 'My Mum or Dad always helped me to figure things out'. I think the latter is always preferable.
"Meet me half way" has worked for me these past 20 years and I have seen long lasting results with it. At the end, it always comes to the same basic and primordial negotiation: what do you need and what can I offer you? If punishment worked, jails around the world would be empty and we all know that that is not the case.
Freelance Presenter. Based in Kent. U.K. Specialise Special Educational Needs A.D.H.D. and other additional needs.
4 年I think that the A.B.C. method helps young people and adults to check themselves and not be so reactive to adverse some situations. I some times equate to the "Green Cross Code"- Stop look, Listen, look right look left when safe respond.
Healthcare Consultant at LM Colgan
6 年I agree Andy, we need to support children to be resilient and confident in adulthood and to be able to problem-solve. Self-regulation is core to this and as you say it's not easy, but longer-term it's vital. I've noted over the years that colleagues sometimes struggle to self-regulation in the workplace and find it challenging to negotiate with others to meet them half-way. Are you planning any more posts on this subject, it is very helpful and interesting?