Negative Voices Hold us Back - How to Eliminate Them

January – Message 1

Over the course of the year, I will release 12 messages as part of my series 12 Months and 12 Steps to Make 2021 a Great Year. See below for my first message, Negative Voices.

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Throughout our lives, we carry “negative voices” in the back of our minds. Most would think that these negative voices originate from our adversaries, but that is often not the case at all. Most of these negative voices, the ones that cut the deepest, come from what we hear from those who we care about most. In our personal lives, these voices come from our parents, our siblings, and our closest friends. In our professional lives, they come from our peers, our leaders, our business partners, and our customers. My guess is that most of the negative voices that we carry with us came from a place of care and love. These words were spoken to protect us, to motivate us, or perhaps to inspire us. But we did not absorb them as they were intended.  

Think for a moment about the process of sharpening a knife. If the knife could talk, it probably would not say that it liked the sharpening process all that much – moving back and forth across a file, while the dull and imprecise edges are machined away. Once done, however, the knife is clean, fresh, and most importantly, a very sharp blade of steel, far more efficient and effective than before. Was the sharpening process uncomfortable for the knife? Sure. But did it change things for the better? Absolutely! Fortunately, we are not inanimate pieces of steel. We are people with feelings and emotions. We might not have interpreted the feedback that we were given in the way that it was intended. Our own insecurities might have gotten in the way of simply processing the message as a form of developmental feedback.

Perhaps in other situations, though, it was different. The feedback given to us might have been simply wrong, or maybe it was delivered in a cruel or harmful way. Maybe what was said was a form of judgment from someone who simply thought and believed differently than us. And although this critique was wrong, it stuck with us. Perhaps it still shapes our identity today and limits our desire to take risks, even well-calculated ones. It leaves us insecure in things that we should be secure about. Worst of all, it causes us to put our dreams and ambitions to the side with thoughts like “I can’t do this,” “I’m not talented enough,” or “I will fail.” I know this well because I have dealt with it myself times. I’ve also had the opportunity to lead dozens and dozens of employees who possessed all of the potential in the world, but for one reason or another, did not believe in themselves the same way that I did. When I would dig deeper with them, their negative voices would appear.

No matter where these voices originate, the unfortunate thing is many of us carry them around our entire lives. They are like giant anchors attached to massive chains that drag along the bottom of the ocean as we try to gather speed and momentum. Even worse, they undermine our confidence, and metastasize in the forefront of our thinking. They are often more detrimental to our success than the adversaries we believe we are competing against. Even more unfortunate, though, is that these negative voices are often imprinted on our soul, and unlike the analogy of chains and anchors, they are not easily disconnected or erased.

To break free from these negative voices, there are a few actions that I believe we must take. The process begins with knowing yourself through self-introspection. Working with someone who has experience in these areas is also important – do you have a great coach, a mentor, a close friend, or a psychologist that can help you understand how you are wired? For me, I have been working with my executive coach JC Heinen. JC has done a fabulous job of helping me uncover traits about myself, and then coaching me accordingly. In addition to JC, I have a large group of amazing mentors to encourage me and challenge me at the same time. I have also completed a series of personal assessments (many of which are free) to dig even deeper – my strengths, my saboteurs, and my temperaments to name a few. An enneagram assessment revealed that I am what is known as “The Achiever.” If you read the description of The Achiever, it’s me to a tee! The Achiever, as the name implies, loves to get things done. Ask anyone who knows me. But the Achiever also needs to hear how good of a job they did in getting those things done. For me, without some amount of praise, I may take no feedback as negativity. Thus, another negative voice. Understanding your own attributes can help change the way that you process and interpret the messages you receive.

Second, we need to think about the people in our lives and their intentions. Throughout our lives we build a multitude of relationships, but some of these relationships simply are not good for us. We might not be able to choose our family, but we can choose our friends, where we work, what we watch, and where we go. We all have that friend who we love dearly, but that person may not be fueling the wind behind our sails like we need them to. There may be work colleagues, or even leaders, that we need to move away from. It is important that we surround ourselves with people who bring positivity into our lives. You might need to ask yourself this simple question – “Who is it that I need to begin moving away from?” And next, “Who is it that always encourages me?” “Who is that person that supports my dreams, and perhaps even helps to enable them?”

Third, we need to think about ourselves, and the voices that we utter to those in our lives. If we want positivity, then we need to become a voice of positivity for those around us. Positive intent will promote and create more positive intent. As The Beatles sang, “the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Perhaps it’s similar with our positivity – if you give it freely, you are more likely to receive it freely. Even though the motive should not be to balance the scales, isn’t this the person you want to be?  

Fourth, we need to bury these negative voices once and for all, and this may be the most difficult step. I am not a psychologist, so all I can offer are the things that have worked for me. Here are three to consider:

1. Read, Watch, Listen, and Learn. There are several great books, podcasts, articles, Ted Talks and so much more available to you on these subjects. You just have to take the step to seek them out – I’d start with a simple online search on the topics of positivity, optimism and encouragement. Watch, listen, subscribe, meditate, or pray – it is all available to you!

2. Give Grace. Sometimes those who love you most just say things the wrong way. Assume positive intent, take it that way, and remember that they really care. Do not become a slave to words that were never meant to harm you. 

3. Celebrate your successes. You have accomplished some amazing things that you might have been fearful of before you started. If you do not do this already, it might be helpful to journal the big challenges that lie ahead. Later, you will be able to read these notes and reflect on how what seemed so hard at first was so easily accomplished. The fear and worry were a waste of time!

Today begins a new day, a new chapter of life that you get to author. You hold the pen, no one else does. Those negative voices perhaps said years ago are just that – only voices. Not concrete walls, not immovable objects. They were there, and now they are gone. Why on earth would you worry about them?

I wish you all the success in the days and months ahead.