Negative to Positive Alchemy: Transmuting Barriers into Pure Gold When Coaching

In the world of coaching, we often focus on helping clients articulate what they want to achieve. However, for many individuals, identifying and expressing their desires can be challenging. An alternative approach that can yield powerful results is to explore what clients don't want. This method, which we might call "Negative to Positive Alchemy: Transmuting Barriers into Opportunities " approach, can be a gateway to deeper understanding and more effective goal-setting.

Understanding the "Negative to Positive Alchemy" Approach

Many people find it easier to express what they don't want in their lives rather than what they do want. This tendency can stem from various factors:

1. Past negative experiences that are easier to recall and articulate
2. Fear of failure or disappointment if they express positive desires
3. A habitual focus on problems rather than solutions
4. Difficulty in imagining positive outcomes due to current circumstances

As a coach, tapping into this natural inclination can be a powerful tool for helping clients gain clarity and direction.

The Process: From "Negative to Positive Alchemy" to Positive Goals

1. Encourage Expression of "Don't Wants": Start by creating a safe space for clients to freely express what they don't want in their lives, careers, relationships, or any relevant area.
2. Exhaustive Listing: Allow clients to list all their "don't wants" without judgment or interruption. This process can be cathartic and revealing.
3. Reflection and Categorization: Help clients reflect on their list, possibly categorizing items into themes or areas of life.
4. The Magic Question: Once the client has exhausted their list of "don't wants," ask the transformative question: "If you didn't have [list their don't wants], what would you expect to have, be noticing, be seeing, be feeling, be happening to you and for you?" (Say expect to have, be noticing, be seeing, be feeling, be happening to you and for you? Slowly and pause between each on giving the client time to evoke their imagination and step into their new expected future.
5. Exploring the Positive Space: This question invites clients to step into a mental space where their "don't wants" are absent, encouraging them to articulate positive outcomes and desires.
6. Goal Formulation: Use the insights gained from this exercise to help clients formulate clear, positive goals.

The Power of Reframing

The magic of this approach lies in its ability to reframe negative perspectives into positive aspirations. By first acknowledging and then mentally removing what clients don't want, we create a cognitive space for positive possibilities to emerge.

Benefits of the "Don't Wants" Approach:

1. Overcoming Mental Blocks: Clients who struggle with direct goal-setting find an alternative path to clarity.
2. Emotional Processing: Expressing "don't wants" can help process negative emotions and experiences.
3. Increased Self-Awareness: Clients gain insights into their values and desires through contrast.
4. Motivation Through Contrast: Understanding what they don't want can powerfully motivate clients towards what they do want.
5. Concrete Starting Points: "Don't wants" often stem from tangible experiences, providing concrete starting points for change.

Case Example: A client might say, "I don't want to feel stressed all the time," "I don't want to miss important family events due to work," and "I don't want to feel unfulfilled in my job."

Using the magic question, the coach might ask: "If you didn't feel stressed all the time, didn't miss important family events, and felt fulfilled in your job, what would you expect to have, be noticing, be seeing, be feeling and be happening to you and for you?"

This question encourages the client to envision a positive scenario, potentially leading to goals like improved work-life balance, career realignment, or stress management strategies.

Conclusion: The "don't wants" approach in coaching offers a valuable alternative to traditional goal-setting methods. By starting with what clients don't want and skillfully guiding them to envision the absence of these negatives, coaches can help unlock new perspectives and pathways to positive change. This method demonstrates the power of reframing and the importance of meeting clients where they are in their journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

Note: By using the phrase "expect to" rather than simply "what will you have, be noticing, be seeing, be feeling, be happening to you and for you?" has significant implications in coaching. Here are the key benefits of using "expect to":

1. Psychological Distance: "Expect to" creates a slight psychological distance that can make the exercise feel safer and less pressured than a definitive "will be."
2. Reduced Resistance: For clients who might be sceptical or resistant, "expect to" feels less absolute and thus less likely to trigger pushback.
3. Engaging the Predictive Brain: "Expect to" taps into the brain's natural predictive functions, encouraging more thoughtful and realistic responses.
4. Allowance for Uncertainty: It acknowledges that the future isn't certain, which can be more comfortable for clients dealing with anxiety or perfectionism.
5. Cognitive Flexibility: "Expect to" allows for multiple possibilities, encouraging more flexible and creative thinking.
6. Ownership of the Process: It emphasizes that these are the client's own expectations, reinforcing their agency in the change process.
7. Future-Oriented Thinking: While still future-focused, "expect to" feels more grounded in the present moment of contemplation.
8. Alignment with Reality Testing: It encourages clients to consider what they genuinely believe is possible, rather than just wishful thinking.
9. Reduced Pressure: "Expect to" feels less demanding than "will be," which can reduce anxiety about committing to change.
10. Encourages Reflection: It prompts clients to reflect on why they expect certain outcomes, potentially uncovering underlying beliefs or assumptions.
11. Bridges Present and Future: "Expect to" creates a mental bridge between the current state and the desired future state.
12. Facilitates Realistic Goal Setting: By focusing on expectations, it can lead to more achievable and realistic goal setting.
13. Acknowledges the Change Process: It implicitly recognizes that change is a process with expected outcomes, rather than an instant transformation.

By using "expect to," you're engaging the client's cognitive processes in a way that's both forward-looking and grounded in their current perspective. This can lead to more meaningful insights and more effective, sustainable change strategies. It's a subtle but powerful linguistic choice that enhances the effectiveness of the coaching process.