'No' is not a negative

So much we hear and read is about the power of the positive, about saying ‘Yes’ to life, ‘Yes’ to a new car, ‘Yes’ to a new you. But in this wealth of obvious positive affirmation, we often lose sight of the positive power of a word that most consider negative - ‘No’!

Making decisions

When we say “perhaps” or “maybe” we are essentially sitting on the fence, unable to make the clear decision that allows us to move forward. Making the decision and expressing it clearly is a critical point in a process, that then allows our minds to return to a calmer state once more. If we are unable to decide, then we can stay locked in a state of indecisiveness for long periods of time. This limbo state increases mental stress as our mind continues to churn, pushing the concept back and forth looking for a solution.

At a certain point, this back and forth process will frequently generate the anxiety levels that will engage our fundamental ‘fight or flight’ escape mechanisms, releasing chemicals into our blood stream that push up our blood pressure, releases more fat and sugar into the bloodstream and even increases our blood clotting ability. All these are clear contributors to many of the familiar diseases recognized as related to stress.

Alongside this, the same response also increases a sense of negativity, increases anxiety, increases aggression and can distort our sense of control. Failing to make a decision is clearly neither healthy or helpful.

So why not just say ‘Yes’?

Agreeing can in many situations be a positive thing, accepting the opportunity - job offer, new project, dinner invitation, date, slice of cake! - However there are limits to this. Whilst it is clearly recognized that for effective growth, we must all push beyond our comfort zones, we must also be aware of our own defined boundaries.

We all have lines that we don’t want to cross. These may be personal (I won’t eat meat), social (I won’t sing in public), religious (I won’t drink) or maybe family or legally based. Whatever the source, they are often important to our individual sense of self. Saying ‘Yes’ in these situations can mean breaking those boundaries. Depending upon how essential they are to your own self, values, needs, this breach of our boundaries can lead to major upset or disturbance as we are forced to go against what we feel is right.

It’s important that we recognise the feelings associated with ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ for each of us as individuals. Reliance upon external lists (laws, rules, commandments) relinquish control and responsibility to an external authority and diminish our own sense of control. Understanding that we should not be doing something are an essential part of maintaining our own mental health. We must be very careful in the acceptance of something that we feel is wrong.

What does ‘No’ mean?

NO:  A word used to give a negative response to a question, a request, or an offer.

So there it is clearly listed, ‘No’ is a negative … Or is it?

We must recognize that it’s a negative response, therefore it’s negative to the person receiving it. To the person making it, it’s a positive statement of intent, a clear position on a question, a refusal of a request, and a rejection of what was offered. Saying ‘No’ is important, as it keeps control with the person saying it. As described, a clear decision one way or another, is what we need to retain our own internal continuity.

When we say No, it is not just the clear statement of decision, it is also a statement of our own individuality. We have considered it and do not want it.

Try it out!

I would like to leave you with a small exercise. It’s targeted at exposing your own feelings to yourself. I have given two versions, ideally try both. However if you feel that you already do one of them anyway - you’ll know if you do - then just try the other. The main thing is to do it consciously.

(In all cases however, please be aware of any applicable laws and the feelings of others.)

1. For 24 hours, every time that someone asks you to do something, say ‘Yes’. Don’t question it, just accept it and do it. Having accepted, see how it makes you feel.
2. For 24 hours, every time that someone asks you to do something, say ‘No’. No need to give a reason, just reject it. Having refused, see how it makes you feel.

If these seem extreme, then reduce the time duration. Just a couple of hours may help to give you a greater sense of how you feel. Others may find that they need more time, so don’t be afraid to extend if you find it helpful.

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