Needs and Wants
In 1995, a book was published called The Rules, a self-help book for women seeking to find a man. A brutal four-word summary would be "play hard to get." It offered suggestions like 'never answer the phone on the first ring,' and 'never accept a date for Saturday if he calls after Wednesday.'
It was widely panned as anti-feminist and disempowering for women. Nonetheless, it was a best-seller, and not without reason. I felt like there was a kernel of something there.
Ten years later I ran across a newsletter from a self-styled 'pickup artist' offering tips for men seeking to attract women. His advice was to be "cocky and funny." For example, approach a girl in a bar and say "I saw you looking my way and I just want to let you know; no way am I giving you my phone number," then walk away.
A bit rough around the edges, but I noticed the concept was exactly the same as in The Rules – to portray yourself as slightly out of reach, not a pushover, worth working for. This is not about women, or about men, it's about people. And not even just about romantic attachments, but about relationships in general. Including business.
All of us would rather be wanted than needed. We like people who freely choose to spend time with us, while we abhor stalkers. To be needed is to be seen as the solution to someone else's problem, whereas to be wanted is the reflection of a conscious non-compulsive desire by another to spend time with us.
We don't want to be the drink an alcoholic craves; we want to be the fine wine that a connoisseur appreciates. We don't want to be the fix for someone's neuroses, we want healthy people who make a choice to hang out with us, who admire us.
Bob Dylan (of course) expressed it well: "Your debutante knows what you need, but I know what you want." But it goes well beyond that.
In a little-known sales book called You're Working Too Hard to Make the Sale (published the same year as The Rules: hmm, something in the water supply?), authors Brooks and Travesano sum up hundreds of datapoints about sales with the following rich statement:
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People strongly prefer to buy what they need from those who understand what they want
Needs are toothpaste, automobiles, tax returns. Wants are hopes, wishes, desires. If you're selling toothpaste or automobiles, you don't even have to deliver on your customers' desires – but you'd darn well better show you understand them.
If you "need" someone, get a dog or a drink instead. If you are playing the role of a dog or a drink for someone else, it's not going to be very fulfilling. If you're selling on the basis of needs alone, you're at the mercy of competitors who can fill the same needs.
To be wanted is the free act of someone whose needs are met, but who is looking for some fulfillment beyond. To want someone is to freely choose them.
Quick Wisdom Quip: The upside of needs is that they get met. The upside of wants is that they get fulfilled.
Practical Tip:? Don't pine for others; get happy with what you have and who you are, and you'll paradoxically become more attractive to others.
Stop treating the symptoms. If your small business is hurting, you need to uncover the underlying illness. I will help you do just that. You can have the Healthy Business You Have Always Wanted.
1 个月Wants versus needs- worthy of a book. Never mind. Your practical tip says it all "you'll paradoxically become more attractive to others." Thanks as always, Charlie.
This point was reinforced regularly as I was involved with clients in more subtle or complex professional services sales. Getting past the ‘toothpaste stage’ and in to unpacking wants often moved both the sale and relationship forward. So important in many situations…thx Charlie.
Perception Studies - Originator: The Open Perception Study? | Senior Advisor: ESG, Reputation, IR | Author of Book: “Crisis of Character - Building Corporate Reputation in the Age of Skepticism.”
1 个月Charlie – This is all good. I’d venture to add that sometimes you can take a step toward fulfilling someone’s wants by helping them express what they are. There are times when people (or clients) don’t move toward achieving their wants because they don’t see the path. Fulfilment doesn’t seem plausible, so it is paid little attention. They might see the person who can define their needs/wants as the person who understands them and can therefore deliver.?
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1 个月Great piece. It’s all over now baby blue!
Value-Based Selling Coach | Developing Top 10% Performers | Strategies for Must-Win Complex Sales
1 个月Thought-provoking Charlie. I guess my simple take is that needs are about logic/thinking, want is about emotion/not thinking. Given that 95% of the time we're in auto-pilot i.e., not thinking, then clearly appealing to want is to appeal to our most evolved state and 9/10 the approach wins. The irony then, is that we spend so much time (9/10?) trying to learn how to engage with and appeal to the logical/thinking (1/10) state e.g., in business/sales training. No wonder it doesn't work. As we say in Australia: 'people are funny cattle'