Needs of a Life Examined

If the unexamined life is not worth living, then I think all set to reach my goal of 113. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should stop with all the questions already because I’m simply not that interesting. But I always surprise myself with what I learn in my self-examination. I guess Socrates was right about this one. Humans are surprisingly complex. The more we learn about our minds and bodies, the more additional questions we come up with. And on and on it goes.

A few weeks ago a friend asked me what I want my legacy to be. I don’t know yet, and I’m OK with that. At 42, I’m just 37% of my goal age so I have plenty of time to figure that out. In the meantime, the question of legacy got me thinking about my current direction and what I’d like the next 3 years to be. What do I want? What do I need? What are my goals?

I reflected on the ball of stress that I’ve become in recent months and what led to that (well, as far as I currently understand it). Stress is a symptom, not a disease. It has a root cause and it needs to feed in order to survive.

No, that analogy falls short. Stress actually reminds me of a dandelion. When it’s a small plant and blooms with the pretty yellow flower, it’s nice to look at. You may be tempted to pick it, but when you do, your fingers get all sticky so you leave it alone. Then it poofs up into an inviting toy that’s no longer sticky and (bonus!) it comes with an activity — you blow on it and it spreads its joy all around. By then, the plant has developed a strong, deep root, so good luck getting all of it now. Moreover, it has spread to other areas of the garden with its seeds, and guess what? You helped it! Give it a week and your lawn and flower beds are at a point of no return.

A little stress can be good. It can motivate and help us get into the discomfort zone where the magic happens. When it’s at the pretty yellow flower stage, we see it, but we leave it be. We may even like it! As stress grows, we may start to recognize the inflection point from good to bad, but it’s getting us results. It’s pushing our boundaries so a little more won’t hurt, right? Let’s blow on that sucker. And that’s where it all goes to hell. If we don’t address it, it spreads and spreads, and not only are the roots hard to pull out but it’s already spread its seed to other areas of our mind, body, life, work, family. Goodbye flower bed.

I’m at a point where I’m plucking those little poofs and blowing them in all directions. There are more dandelions than garden. Maybe if I blow enough, I’ll have a carpet of yellow and it’ll all be OK? Maybe?

No. And I know it.

So I examine. I look at the causes I’ve identified and make action plans to change what’s in my control. I know that eventually, I will be able to address the causes, but not overnight. My long-term goal is to lower this stress to the point where it’s not tearing my body apart from all ends, but short term, I need to get the basics in place so that things don’t get worse and I start making progress towards the goal. I need to start killing some dandelions, even if I know that they will probably just come back.

“Need.” It’s such a loaded word. We throw it around a lot but do we actually mean it? Aren’t a lot of things we say we need actually just things we want?

Needs are non-negotiable. If you need something, that implies you can’t go without it. Wants are negotiable. We might feel crappy if we don’t get the things we want, but life goes on. Wants are choices. So what do I actually need? What will help me stabilize so that I can continue towards my goal of major de-stressing? And how do I want to get there?

In times like these, a framework can be super helpful. I have a love-hate relationship with frameworks. They bring structure to thoughts and ideas, but I’ve seen them used as a crutch and excuse in my work-life so many times that they kinda make me puke a little. Yet here we are. And with one of the oldies, no less — Maslow’s hierarchy of needs . I’m no psychologist and I know there are lots of criticisms of this simple framework, but it helped me in my current predicament so that’s what we’re gonna go with.

Maslow’s pyramid is part of his theory of human motivation. It’s a pyramid in order to illustrate that you need the lowest layer in order to build the next one and so on. As critics note, life is a lot messier than that, but pobody’s nerfect so let’s just use it, shall we?

First, we need the foundational stuff to literally be alive and function (physiological needs). Next, we need some safety such as a job or health (safety needs). Intimacy and a sense of connection follow, be it through friends, family, pets, or community (love and belonging needs). Above that, we have self-esteem, status, and a sense of freedom (esteem needs). All four of these are considered deficiency needs. If you don’t have them, you’re motivated to get them. Once you have them, they become less and less of a driver. The top of the pyramid is the desire to be all that you can be — the self-actualization need. This is considered a growth need because it’s never truly done. They don’t happen because you’re missing something; they exist because of your desire to better yourself. This is where legacy lives.

As with all “life examining” exercises, my brain couldn’t focus on the problem at hand and kept going off on retraumatizing tangents of past experiences where the bottom of the pyramid was missing for me and I experienced true despair, depression, and despondency. (Sidenote: there are some really good D-words. Sandman was onto something with The Endless …) Reflection is great, but it’s annoying when it has the opposite effect than intended. In this case, more stress. Sigh. Thanks, brain.

An abusive ex of mine understood this hierarchy well. When I first began to understand his modus operandi (years after), I saw that he controlled my “love and belonging” needs by constantly criticizing others in my life and telling me that no one would ever want me. He prevented fulfillment of my esteem needs by always making fun of my achievements and questioning the strength of my skills and professional value. He degraded my safety by conning me out of money, threatening me when I tried to stand up to him, and reminding me of “my place” any time I felt a bit safe. (This continued for years even without him there. I only recently stopped looking over my shoulder but my heart still tightens writing this.) He even managed to destroy my physical needs by depriving me of sleep. He’d wake me up in the middle of the night, hold down my neck or shoulders and yell obscenities at me. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep (never mind a good night’s sleep) for at least two years.

(That whole paragraph was very painful to write but it was part of my reflection here and you know me well enough by now to know that I will not censor myself, come what may. Now that I’ve put pen to paper, so to speak, I do feel lighter. Every time I write about this experience, another weight comes off. I’m getting closer to writing a full account, but not today.)

So what do I need now? Where am I stuck? What did my self-examination lead me to?

Physiological needs are all good. I’m actually an excellent sleeper, thank you very much. And that’s where we’d stop if we followed Maslow to the letter because my safety needs have some major issues. I’m OK with where I am with love and belonging, esteem, and even self-actualization. I think this article is proof that I’m actively striving to meet that highest of needs (hope you’re proud, Socrates). Life is not simple and humans are complex so our framework can be a guide, but let’s not take it as gospel because I’m living proof that you can be kinda crap at meeting your lower safety needs and still be fairly decent at all the higher-ups.

In a super off-brand moment for myself, I won’t go into details. That safety layer makes me feel not super safe sharing more so you’re just going to have to accept that. But now that I’ve mapped out my personal hierarchy of needs, I have a better understanding of where I need to focus. I’ve made an initial plan of action and I feel good about it. I know what I want to do in order to get what I need, but I also have options should my wants not work out and I need to course-correct. I also feel good about the fact that even though some of my lower needs are not met, I’m quite happy with how I’m faring on the higher ones (taps own shoulder).

What do you think? Is Maslow full of it or does the framework hold up for you? Have you thought about your needs (vs your wants)? Is self-actualization an ongoing need for you or have you reached nirvana?