Needed: Army of Empathetic Witnesses

It’s a cold, dark night in early December. My mom, 83, is fidgeting, rolling around a little in her wheelchair and calling out restlessly, “Steve! Hello?” My brother Stephen had been my mom’s loving, live-in caregiver these past few years as her physical and mental health steadily declined. Hearing my brother's faithful reply grounded her in a way that nothing else could. This night, however, my brother was feeling unwell and laid down for a rest. He didn’t respond when she called out. I reminded my mom that he was sick and needed to sleep. I tried to distract her from waking Stephen. I opened the YouTube music app on my phone and asked, “What’s your favourite hymn, mom?”

She looked at me for a moment, thinking hard, then yelled out, “Steve! What’s my favourite hymn?”—waking Stephen from his peaceful slumber.

“To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.” - Arne Garborg

Indeed, Stephen knew her favourite hymn, and I played it for her. It was the last time I was to make a meal for my mom as she passed away shortly thereafter.

In recent years, as my mom lost more and more of herself, my siblings and I did our best to bear witness to the person she had been and was now so quickly forgetting. Sometimes if I cooked the meat and potatoes just right, I might see her connect with the joy she used to have in making a delicious meal for us. We played Scrabble until she lost her vision, helping to remind her of her once sharp mind and love of winning. My brothers were good at helping her continue to laugh at herself to remind her of her good sense of humour and self-deprecating wit. My sister discovered that wheeling her through the treed path in her neighbourhood, even when she initially protested, helped connect her with the beauty of the natural world, which she had cherished and valued. We asked her to say the prayer at mealtime even as she struggled to find the oh-so-familiar words, reminding her of her deep faith in a loving God who would provide for her daily needs.

Bearing Witness

To bear witness is perhaps one of life’s most sacred duties. What deeper need do any of us have than to be truly loved, understood and accepted? Internationally renowned trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk wrote, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”

The most damaging experiences in life are those we go through alone, or—even worse—go through with others who fail to understand the depth of pain the experience has caused us. It is not surprising that those who experience such pain go on trying to manage that pain on their own, often self-soothing through harmful behaviours, addictions and relationships that often only cause more hurt.

Dr. Gabor Maté, best known for his paradigm-shifting work on trauma and addiction, states: “We keep trying to change people’s behaviours without a full understanding of how and why those behaviours arise.” It is a sad fact that our institutions—jails, forensic hospitals, mental health facilities—are full of people who lacked an empathetic witness during their darkest hours.

Maté explains, “We must all accept responsibility for our actions, else the world becomes unlivable. Yet it would be a tremendous social advance if we made some effort to understand what experiences turn people into flawed or irresponsible or even antisocial beings.”

To truly see someone is to bear witness not only to the individual standing in front of you today; it is to consider everything that that person might have survived to make it this far. Indeed, in my many years of working in the field of mental health, I have seen lives transformed by the simple act of a healthcare worker taking the time to truly see someone in this way. To bear witness to a person’s pain and life journey without judgement is to create a space safe enough for the individual to consider the possibility of healing.

I wonder what the world would be like if we could muster up an army of empathetic witnesses, reminding others of the song in their hearts, and singing it for them when they have forgotten the words?