The Need for Validation

A MISUNDERSTOOD NORMALITY

How many times have you heard about the importance of loving yourself before others can love you? Probably countless times. This advice echoes across all social media platforms and recent blogs, whether written by those with or without expertise in the humanistic domain.

Moreover, even people we encounter in real life often interrupt our emotions, which we naturally wish to share, offering us the "magic solution": Love yourself if you want others to love you! Most of the time, this leaves us feeling misunderstood, rejected, or judged, and above all, it leaves us with a sense of overwhelming confusion.

We all understand this necessity in theory, but often, we don't know how to apply it because no one teaches us how to truly love ourselves. In today's article, we will address the topic of the need for validation—a need so natural that it could be called primordial.

A Bit of Theory About Human Needs

Between 1943 and 1954, American psychologist Abraham Maslow developed an important motivational theory about the hierarchy of human needs. He visualized them as a pyramid consisting of five levels: physiological needs, the need for safety/security, the need for belonging, the need for self-esteem, and the need for self-actualization. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, fulfilling lower-tier needs is essential to advancing to higher levels.

???? As observed, each of us must continually satisfy the most basic needs—physiological ones (hunger, thirst, shelter, sleep, warmth, and reproduction)—at the pyramid's base to aspire to higher goals. Once these are met, humans experience the need for assurance, a predictable life, and a protective environment that facilitates further positive development. This need is fulfilled within the family of origin and later in all systems that provide solutions to life’s current problems (hospitals, police, schools). In other words, we need to feel we can rely on others or systems we consider responsible and competent for maintaining our well-being.

For example, a child who cries not out of hunger, thirst, or cold but due to another discomfort signals a need for the mother's assurance. The child expects the mother to hold them, comfort them, and address their distress—whatever form it may take.

???? Moving up the pyramid, we reach the need for belonging. This is the first moment in our psychological development when we feel a real need to share love, feel part of a group, and emotionally connect with others. It’s when we want to build friendships or close relationships, showing our authentic selves and wishing to be accepted for who we are. For children from abusive environments, this need may be even more intense and fulfilled quicker, as relationships with peers or trusted individuals can provide relief when family-based security is lacking.

???? Next, we ascend to the need for self-esteem, which reflects our sense of uniqueness, dignity, and confidence in our abilities. This need is built through the respect and validation of others and is entirely dependent on it. Our self-image begins to form in childhood, based on how others treat us. During our early years, everything we believe about ourselves stems from how others relate to us. Taking their words at face value can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on the labels we receive.

???? At the pyramid’s peak—and most challenging to fulfill—is the need for self-actualization. According to Maslow, this involves each individual becoming everything they are capable of becoming. Some might focus on professional, artistic, or relational potential, while others might excel in being extraordinary parents, for instance. However, this need is often fulfilled temporarily; people tend to experience peaks of self-actualization rather than sustained fulfillment.

?? Thus, the need for validation ranks among the top universal human needs. It is something we all crave at least occasionally and is absolutely necessary for moving forward.

Autor: Psih. Alexandra Anghel – Psiholog clinician – Clinica Med Anima Ia?i