Need to have a Difficult Conversation? Here are a few tips!

As a business professional, tough conversations are inevitable. Whether you need to speak with your boss, coworker or subordinate, having the "tough talk" can be hard.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

Throughout my career working with the military, working in the prison system and definitely when working in Corporate America- I have had VERY difficult conversations.

I learned how to make having difficult conversations a bit easier from my education with becoming a psychologist. I'd like to share some of what I've learned.

The first tip regarding how to have a difficult conversation is to ensure that the conversation is held when both parties are as emotionally stable as possible. If you’re angry, it’s not time to have the conversation. Be calm when delivering hard information.

If anger is high, we tend to be more impulsive and may say things we don’t really intend to say. Can you remember a time when you were angry and said things you later regretted? Yeah, let's avoid that.

The second tip is to ensure the language that’s used is appropriate for the age of the person with whom you are providing the information. How you tell a 6 year old their parent has died, is much different than how you tell a 43 year old. We can be mindful of the words we use, even while being open and honest.

An example of my having to have a difficult conversation is when someone told me their child had been shown pornography by a close family member. As a mandated reporter, I have to report that information to Child Safety Services. I know... not fun, but we have to protect our vulnerable populations.

I calmly reminded the person about my being a mandated reporter and told them my concern for their child. I expressed why I had to report and asked if they’d like to call with me so I ensure I give the correct information. You can imagine how this person felt.

It was HIGHLY disappointing to the person; however, they chose to call with me to ensure what was said was right. This helped the parent to also take responsibility for their child’s safety. And you know what- our relationship kept on going.

A final tip on how to have hard conversations, is to just do it. If anxiety begins it’s important to take action to relieve the anxious feelings.

Anxiety actually starts with how we think about situations- it begins in the thinking part of the brain with thoughts such as constant worry, fear, feelings of impending doom, negative thoughts about ourselves, the future, the past, or the world. When we have these thoughts, our body perceives them as physical danger and then we get the physical responses.

Anxiety is our body’s natural reaction to real or perceived danger- it is our flight or fight response. When we have anxiety our body responds with physical sensations such as increased heart rate, quick and shallow breaths, increased adrenaline, feelings of impending doom, increased muscle tension, increased perspiration, light headedness, and chest pains.

We have to remember that these responses are part of anxiety and they are there when our body or brain perceives physical danger. Keep in mind that these responses are not harmful, but are there to help keep us safe. We also have to remember that having a challenging conversation is not physically dangerous.

Some ways to relieve the symptoms of anxiety are:

1.      Diaphragmatic breathing or deep breathing. When we experience anxiety our body interprets it as though we are in physical danger. When we breathe deeply, we are able to counteract the natural physical stress response and help our body and brain to realize there is no physical danger and we can relax. Taking 2-3 deep breaths for a very slow count to 4 can make a huge impact on calming our body down and enabling use to quiet our mind.

2.       Being mindful and ground to present is another way to relieve anxiety symptoms. It’s quite simple, but very effective. When we notice that we are beginning to overthink or feel anxiety, we can simply notice what is in our immediate area. We can say these things out loud, such as: computer, couch, window, bird or intentionally say them in our mind. This does two things; it stops the anxious thought and it assist us in being mindful of the present so that we may slow down and calm our mind.

Hopefully you find these tips helpful. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section of this article.