NDAs and being paid off, does not bring healing or aid recovery

Introduction

This is a slight departure from my usual newsletter. This is a personal newsletter to you.?

My reasons for such a title is partly from my therapeutic experience and listening to a considerable amount of people who have been coerced into signing Non- Disclosure Agreements, NDAs.

If you are new to my newsletter. Welcome. Glad to have you onboard.

NDAs and Cash!

Those who have signed such agreements, I have found to be still in a state of abandonment, disbelief as to what has happened to them, and many experience loneliness echoing, “Am I the only one experiencing this?”

A year on and my female friend who I have referred to often previously during my series on moral injury, MI, is still in a state of emotional and psychological discombobulation. What she has not grasped, as well as many of you who have had a similar experience, is the intensity and destruction of what I call an ‘existential disruption’ you faced when you were forcibly removed from your jobs.?

Another issue which adds to your dilemma, is the speed in which things gathered to see the back of you.

I recall an academic who had asked for certain things they needed to do their work. They were always refused and after a three year battle they decided to leave. As if by magic, all the things they had previously asked for, which previously they were unable to supply, were then promised if they did not leave. The offers came too late. They left.?

My concern for you is things you may have asked for and the inordinate amount of time you have had to wait for things to happen, and now, it is as though they cannot wait to see the back of you…they can’t!

NDAs and being paid off - A non-physical act of violence

My language is strong, but in my mind I consider people’s experience caused by moral injury, MI, DARVO or gaslighting a form of symbolic violence.

Let me explain.

Symbolic violence was a phrase coined by sociologist Pierre Bordeau. He argued that symbolic violence, ?is a show of force and demonstration of power’ showing ‘who can get away with what against whom.’ It functions as an instrument of social control that tends to maintain the existing social order (Pierre Bourdieu’s Symbolic Violence: An Outline and Explanation (easysociology.com). This newsletter does not provide the time and space for a deep dive into the complexity of symbolic violence, but for those who enjoy reading, here is link - 7. bahanour (internationaljournalofcaringsciences.org). What has happened to you is a non-physical violent act.

Be important to you because in work you are often just a number

One of the overriding feelings with people who have been jousted from their employment is an overriding feeling their previous company is not bothered and even less so when they have paid them off to remain silent. They paid you to keep silent and they are not bothered about you. You are no longer a number they have to juggle in their books.

Some of you reading this cannot identify with the content of this newsletter. You may even believe I am making it up but being in a recent digital conversation with someone who is an expert in the field of making workplaces better concluded, “Unfortunately these days more and more (workplaces) seem to be showing themselves to be horrendous.”?

Let me pose a situation to you. If you are aware there are many places who pay people off and get them to sign NDAs, you can rightly conclude it is not a good place to work as they have much to hide. Even if they employ the skills of a consultant to look at ways to improve the work environment, they are often not too keen to hear the findings of the report and are then quick to dismiss the findings and the consultant too. Listen to HR consultant Alison McDermott. Sellafield whistleblower: 'employees said it was not safe to speak out' (youtube.com)

What can you do?

What I am about to say next is not easy to hear, but gird your loins and lean in.

1. By the time MI, DARVO or gaslighting has continued you are worn out with it all,? exasperated and you cannot wait to leave, hold on. Too often, if they are asking you to leave, they offer a paltry sum of money…and you end up taking it because you are simply worn out and desperate to leave.
2. Waiting for the payout could be disastrous for you. They pay you off, but in the meantime your health and mental well-being takes a catastrophic hit and recovery does not take a few weeks, but months, and for some people, years.?
3. If the payout is meagre it is where the help of a union can help you or ACAS - Acas | Making working life better for everyone in Britain

I was in conversation with someone recently who told me when the matter of MI occurred, their company, at the time, suggested a derisory settlement. They contacted the union, and with their support and renegotiation, they ended up with three times the amount.?

When I have been involved in mediation it is substantially cheaper getting a mediator in work situations than going to tribunals or the courts.

4. This might not work for everyone, but consider this. One of the reasons why recovery takes so long is that your basis of trust has almost been shattered and the cost to one’s personhood cannot be calculated in monetary terms only.?

If you are able to, can the money you have gained by being paid off, be used to benefit others? You no doubt may need some of the finances for you psychological and emotional rehabilitation, but are you able to start a project or make an investment in an existing project that works with people who have been mistreated in one way or another?

For example, if you are female you may want to make an investment in a charity either to protect women who have been violated or you may want to make an investment in an organisation committed to the development of marginalised young people.

Concluding thoughts

When we have been wronged, seeking justice is natural. Financial payouts do not provide justice and certainly do not heal existential wounds. We are then faced with this dilemma of?

Justice, an apology, some form of contrition which will not be forthcoming, so stop waiting and hoping for it if you are.?

Here is some encouragement from Dr Caroline Leaf: She writes:

“Remember that moving forward and healing doesn't depend on someone’s apology. Don't give that person/workplace this power over you. Remind yourself that you get to write your own story. You cannot control the circumstances of life, but you can control your reaction to what happens to you. You have power over your own story, and you do not have to stay connected to the person/workplace who harmed you.”

Wishing you well while wanting and working towards the best for you.?

Delroy Hall

www.delwes.com

With over three decades experience working as a psychotherapist, trainer, facilitator, supervisor, and as a local and international leader, I am open to working with individuals, teams and organisations.