ND Masking Doesn’t Even Work
Long-term repercussions notwithstanding, it’s not even effective
Wait, wait! I’m not talking about medical masks or anything virus-related. I’m referring here to personality masking, or camouflaging.
ADHD and Autistic?Masking
If you’re on Neurodivergent TikTok, you may have seen some videos where a person (tongue-in-cheek) claims they’re so good at masking, no one would ever suspect they’re Autistic.
Cue “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast:
“Look there she goes, the girl is so peculiar, I wonder if she’s feeling well…”
With these poignant lyrics in the background, the person proceeds to demonstrate the various ways their Autistic traits are a lot more obvious than they had previously believed.
It’s a good joke. A great joke, even. The best jokes often have a ring of truth, and this one is no exception.
What is masking,?really?
I’ve written articles about masking which included the more formal (or psychological) definitions, but what is masking in reality? I expect that will be different for each person.
Inauthenticity is off-putting
The thing is, people can usually tell when we’re not being our genuine selves. They may not be able to pinpoint exactly what seems “off”, but a lot of people will feel their spidey-senses tingling when someone is not being real with them.
Well, the same thing happens when neurodivergent folks are our real selves because we are different, so what now?
If you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t — yet masking takes a significant emotional and psychological toll — then fuck it.
I recognize that is a very privileged thing for me to say, and I’m being flippant for effect. It wasn’t always safe for me to unmask, and it isn’t safe for everyone, nor in every situation.
When it is safe, however, let us sing the song of our people.
Hide and seek?anyone?
When I was growing up, I would avoid the “weird” kids (even though I was one of them). I didn’t want to be one of them, didn’t want to be associated with them. I still believed if I just worked hard enough, I could pass for a ‘normie’.
I couldn’t.
Adults often perpetuate this desire to fit in, coaching kids to behave in ways that appear more neurotypical (NT) — whether consciously or unconsciously — thus passing on ableist beliefs about how people should act.
Sometimes it’s taken to next level harm. Many Autistic children are subjected to social skills training and behaviour therapies, to try to teach them to mask, under the guise of teaching important “life skills”.
It’s a little like those toddlers who are adorably terrible at hide-and-seek. We may temporarily cover some aspects of ourselves, but you better believe other parts are showing.
Except less adorable and more exhausting.
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It’s similar to what I did when I was a kid. We start out as somewhat weird, attempt to mask, and then become super-awkward-weird — often losing our unique qualities, coping strategies, and sense of self along the way.
Community and connections
Now for the good part. When we’re ready and able to sing the song of our people, we’ll send out some kind of Neurodivergent bat signal, calling our neurokin to us.
Well, it might not work exactly like that, but pretty darn close.
When we accept and embrace ourselves for who we truly are, we’ll be able to accept and celebrate unique traits in others, allowing us to learn how awesome we all are.
Unmasking may help others feel comfortable enough to be their authentic selves with us, creating opportunities to forge friendships which go deeper than the superficial.
Relationships built on honesty and trust are more refreshing and enjoyable, our time spent with those friends will be less draining and more fun.
Parents, if you have a neurodivergent child (or a child who is unique in any way), please don’t encourage or push them to be as typical as possible. I know, we all want our children to fit in, we want them to be liked by their peers. No one wants to see their child bullied or ostracized.
We already know we’re different. We may not know exactly how or why, but we know. We need the most important people in our lives to accept us for exactly who we are, and celebrate our quirks rather than suppress them.
Kids who are taught to be their genuine selves and to value authenticity have a better chance of finding their people earlier in life — people who see their uniqueness as an asset and appreciate them for who they are.
Besides, I heard weird and quirky nerds are making a comeback. This might just be my time to shine.
? Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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References
Alkhaldi, R. S., Sheppard, E., Burdett, E., & Mitchell, P. (2021). Do Neurotypical People Like or Dislike Autistic People?. Autism in adulthood?: challenges and management, 3(3), 275–279. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0059
DeBrabander, K.M., Morrison, K.E., Jones, D.R., Faso, D.J., Chmielewski, M., Sasson, N.J. (2019). Do First Impressions of Autistic Adults Differ Between Autistic and Nonautistic Observers? Autism in Adulthood, 1(4), 250–257. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0018
Miller, D., Rees, J., Pearson, A. (2021). “Masking Is Life”: Experiences of Masking in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults. Autism in Adulthood 3(4), 330–338. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0083
Price, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Penguin Random House LLC.
See the pattern, drive the change Facilitator for businesses and services ??
1 年Wore so many mask didn’t know who I was ????
When my therapist said that I masked my traits, when I asked him the, "I don't look autistic" a lot of things clicked for me.