Navigating Tough Conversations in a Divisive World

Key Skills to Maintain Healthy Relationships When You Disagree

It’s no secret that we live in a time of heightened division.?

Whether it’s politics, social issues, or even day-to-day matters, it feels like people are more polarized than ever.?

According to a 2021 study from the Pew Research Center, nearly 80% of Americans feel the country is more divided than it was in the past.?

And this isn’t just an American phenomenon—similar trends are seen globally.?

The divide often creeps into our most personal spaces, affecting relationships with friends, family members, and colleagues.

These conflicts can be exhausting. Their emotional toll can be significant. They can make us feel anxious, frustrated, or even hopeless when we see our loved ones from such different perspectives. Family gatherings, holidays, or even simple social media interactions can feel like walking through a minefield.?

According to a recent survey by the American Psychological Association, around 68% of Americans say that they feel significant stress about the future of the nation due to these divides, and about half of the people surveyed admitted to losing friendships or distancing themselves from family members because of political or ideological differences.

So, how do we navigate these situations without losing the people who matter most to us?

To understand why political and ideological differences spark such intense reactions, we need to first recognize what these beliefs represent for people. These aren’t just casual opinions; they often form a core part of a person's identity.?

Political beliefs, for example, are frequently tied to deep-seated values, moral convictions, and a sense of belonging to a particular group or community. When someone’s values or core beliefs are challenged, it can feel like a personal attack. Our brains are wired to respond to threats—both physical and psychological—in similar ways.?

Research from the University of Southern California found that when people read statements that contradict their deeply held beliefs, the brain regions associated with emotional regulation, like the amygdala, show heightened activity. This means that, neurologically, our bodies can respond to these situations as if they were genuine threats.

To further complicate matters, online platforms tend to amplify conflicts. People often feel emboldened to express their opinions without the filters they might use in face-to-face interactions. This can lead to misunderstandings and escalation, as it’s easy to misinterpret tone or intent in written communication. Social media algorithms also have a propensity to show us content that reinforces our existing beliefs, making it even harder to understand where the “other side” is coming from. This environment fosters an “us versus them” mentality, which is not conducive to constructive dialogue.

How to Navigate Difficult Conversations and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Active listening is a super technique that will work in the most difficult circumstances when you need or want to engage in a challenging discussion and you care about the person in front of you.

Active listening is a crucial skill for navigating difficult conversations and maintaining healthy relationships, especially when discussing emotionally charged topics or facing ideological differences.?

Active listening is more than just hearing the words someone is saying; it’s about fully engaging with them to understand their perspective.?

Here’s why active listening is so important:

1. Active listening builds understanding and empathy. Active listening helps you genuinely understand the other person’s perspective, not just their words. When you listen actively, you’re more likely to grasp the emotions, values, and experiences underlying their viewpoint. This deeper understanding reduces misunderstandings and helps bridge gaps in communication.
2. Active listening reduces defensive reactions. When people feel heard and understood, they’re less likely to become defensive or aggressive. Active listening can defuse anger or frustration by validating the other person’s experience, even when there is disagreement. It sends the message, “I respect you enough to hear you out,” which can calm emotions and create space for a more productive dialogue.
3. Active listening enhances trust and connection. Trust in any relationship grows when people feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. Active listening demonstrates that you value what the other person has to say, strengthening trust and intimacy.
4. Active listening encourages collaborative problem-solving. Active listening allows you to identify shared values or goals, even when you disagree on certain points. This can pave the way for finding common ground or at least understanding where the other person is coming from, making it easier to work toward mutually acceptable solutions.
5. Active listening strengthens self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Active listening requires you to be present and mindful, which naturally leads to greater self-awareness. As you become more attuned to others, you also become more aware of your reactions, biases, and triggers, which helps in managing your emotions during difficult conversations.

Exercise: How to Practice Active Listening

Step 1: Be fully present. Put away distractions. This means no checking your phone or glancing at the TV while they’re speaking. Make eye contact and nod occasionally to show you’re engaged. Your body language communicates a lot about your willingness to listen.

Step 2: Reflect and paraphrase. After the other person has spoken, reflect back on what they said in your own words. For example, you could say, “So what I hear you saying is…” This shows them that you’re genuinely trying to understand their viewpoint, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Then ask, “Does that sound about right? Is there anything to add?” This way, they have an opportunity to reflect back to you and clear up any miscommunications before they occur.

Step 3: Ask open-ended questions. Encourage them to explain their viewpoint further. Instead of questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no,” ask things like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” or “What experiences have shaped your opinion on this?” This keeps the conversation open and allows for deeper understanding.

Step 4: Validate their feelings. Even if you disagree with what they’re saying, acknowledge the emotions behind their words. You might say something like, “I can see why you feel so strongly about this,” or “It sounds like this is really important to you.” Validation doesn’t mean agreement; it means recognizing the other person’s perspective as valid.

Step 5: Be aware of nonverbal cues. Pay attention to both your and their body language, tone, and facial expressions. Sometimes what’s not said is just as important as what is. For example, if you notice they’re crossing their arms or their voice is getting tense, it may be a sign that they’re feeling defensive or uncomfortable.

Give these a try in the coming weeks, and I’d be willing to bet that you see positive changes in how you communicate with others.

To learn more about active listening and tips on how to establish healthier habits, take a listen to my podcast episode this week right here in Substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube.

If you found this helpful, forward it to a friend who you think would benefit from it.

Dr. Judy

I’m so excited to share my podcast, which you can listen to in Substack, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or watch on YouTube!

My podcast is called Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy. In just 10 minutes, we dive into a hot topic, answer your burning questions, and leave you with a practical tip to improve your mental wellness. ??

I created this podcast for people who love to learn and improve themselves, but find they don’t have the time to listen to an entire podcast from beginning to end. Mental Health Bites is designed to be consumable while you’re on the go - you can get all the wellness information you need in just 10 minutes!

Here's where you can check out the podcast:

Substack

Apple Podcasts

Spotify

YouTube

Order my book here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage.?An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.

Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.