Navigating Parenthood in a World of Uncertainty: Reflections from Raising My Son

After a restless night, I was rushing in the kitchen to prepare breakfast for my son before taking him to school. With the milk carton still in my hands, I heard a voice behind me say:

"Mommy, I want to be a woman."

He was smiling, so I thought he was joking and said not to joke about such things.

"I'm not joking!" he replied.

My first thought was the F* word.

My second thought was to put the milk in the fridge before I would spill it all over the floor.

My third thought was that we didn't have time for this conversation, and I wasn't ready to tap into my emotional intelligence that early in the morning.

Nonetheless, I remained calm and composed, looking him straight in the eyes as I said:

"First, don't discuss this with your father. He may not tap into his emotional intelligence to have a conversation with you about why you want to be a woman.

Second, from a biological perspective, you have something that is male and I have something that is female. This is fundamental biology, and we're not going to change it.

Third, what specifically makes you want to become a woman?" I asked.

Bear in mind, we were running late for school, and my son loves to bring up sensitive and controversial topics at the most inopportune times.

But I wanted to make time for this conversation, even if it meant arriving late at school.

Although he's not on social media, his classmates are, and who knows what they're watching and discussing.

Having these difficult and uncomfortable conversations is necessary to shield him from confusion as much as possible and help prevent mommy and daddy issues from affecting his adult life.

"Mommy, I love how women are so empathetic towards each other and how they support each other. I want to be like that."

My first thought was that definitely not all women are empathetic towards each other, but that was a reflection for another time!

My second thought was to address the generalization we tend to perpetuate based on our experiences and how they shape the beliefs of our children.

Just because we've had certain experiences with people doesn't mean everyone can be put in the same box.

Using statistics and data helps us remain objective and focused on facts, but even science can have an agenda to serve a specific outcome. This is how we evolve and expand in life with new knowledge, ideas, and perspectives and keep our critical thinking alive to stay ahead of societal challenges and embrace different and unique ways of living.

Returning to my perplexed son, I looked him in the eyes after taking a deep breath:

"Mon c?ur, those qualities aren't tied to gender but to your energy. We all have masculine and feminine energy within us, and you can embrace your feminine energy without shame or feeling less of a man.

For example, I use my masculine energy at work, being results-oriented and being ruthless about achieving my goals through action and determination. But I also lean into my feminine energy when nurturing you for example, cooking for you, when we play comedians or when we do absolutely nothing.

It's okay to balance both energies in a way that works for you. So if you want to be more empathetic, know that there are empathetic men as well. It's not a gender-specific quality, no matter what anyone tells you."

His confusion seemed to lift.

"Okay, I want to stay a man after all. I don't want to become a woman anymore."

Before anyone attacks me on how dare I say that women are lazy and men are active, note I am referring to energies and NOT to gender. That's my whole point, we have both masculine and feminine energy. Often we just learned to suppress one or the other and correlate it with our gender, in my view.

Parenting in today's age can be scary and overwhelming. Whether my son was half-joking or not, growing up can be confusing. Even as adults, we often feel lost and overwhelmed by the plethora of information, responsibilities, and changes.

The other day, someone mentioned they would never have kids because of the world we live in. I find this sad because if you choose to have children and deny yourself this gift due to fears of today's world, it's truly unfortunate.

Despite parenting being one of the most challenging life experiences, for me, it's also one of the most fulfilling. I've faced and continue to face many challenges raising one boy, and I can't imagine what it's like for parents and single parents raising multiple children.

It's my hope that current parents, future parents who have doubts, and anyone who impacts our younger generation will feel inspired by today's reflections to trust themselves to be guiding lights for future generations.

The Dynamic Nature of Emotions: Understanding Energy in Motion

I had to learn not to feel ashamed and suppress my emotions, particularly anger. As a little girl, I was taught that anger was inappropriate for girls and seen as disrespectful. As a result, I would suppress a natural human emotion until it erupted at the wrong time and place.

My son helped me break this pattern, as his ability to feel his complete range of emotions is extraordinary and overwhelming at the same time. He ensured that all of my suppressed anger surfaced at the most inconvenient times, helping me heal a dysfunctional behavior pattern of hiding my emotions. Instead, I learned to feel them, allowing them to flow out of me and not turn into toxic behaviors.

In return, I've taught my son to feel his negative emotions and express them without judgment. When he's in "dinosaur mode," he knows to go to his room, toss pillows or make a mess, and let the emotions pass. After he's calmer, we discuss it, and I try not to punish him or make him feel less masculine for experiencing negative emotions.

I'm no saint, so I do get this wrong when I'm tired or lose my patience. I remind myself to let it go for now and get into the right state of mind before discussing it further with him.

This leads me to the second principle of emotional self-awareness.

Raising Kids with Clarity: How Self-Awareness Enhances Parenting

My life's work revolves around helping others leverage the power of their emotions as a guiding system, especially for those who feel uncomfortable with or are unaccustomed to emotional intelligence. There is so much hidden knowledge or misconception when it comes to emotional intelligence and I am on a mission to debunk this as much and many times I can, for the greater good.

When I've had a few bad nights of sleep, my body's energy is low. This results in an energy deficit, which my brain translates into a general negative feeling. In the moment, I don't consider the neuroscientific processes producing these feelings and tell myself:

"Oh Nadja, you are experiencing a natural neuroscientific process where the interoceptor part of your brain is causing this general feeling of discomfort."

That would be weird! Instead, I projected them onto my environment if I remained emotionally unaware, which is normal human behavior.

I've trained myself to become emotionally aware and plan accordingly. When experiencing a body energy deficit, I ensure my son understands that I'm in low-energy mode, with my batteries close to zero, and it's better if he gives me space. He eventually grasped this through trial and error.

If we fail to do so, because our children's subconscious minds are still developing, they risk feeling responsible for our behavior, leading to a pattern of dysfunctional behaviours as they grow up. They often take on our projected negative emotions as their own. Prolonged exposure to this behavior can result in chronic mommy and daddy issues later in life due to a lack of open and uncomfortable conversations to ensure they don't feel responsible.

Love at Our Core: Understanding and Embracing Our True Nature

In my view, one reason for so much polarization is our tendency to force our beliefs and behaviors onto others and navigate towards hate.

I'm teaching my son the difference between liking and loving. We love each other unconditionally, but we don't always like each other. When I discipline him and show the consequences of his irrational behavior, he often claims I don't love him and I turn into the wicked witch of the north within seconds.

I remind him that we can love someone and still express negative emotions. We can love someone and educate them, guiding them towards rational behavior that serves them better in life. We can love someone and still feel upset.

Love is our natural state of being when we feel in sync with life and those around us. But life has its ups and downs, and challenges are part of our journey. That's why our emotions help us regulate our behavior to respond to and overcome challenges with minimal resistance. The alternative is teaching our children a conditioned version of love, where they believe that negative emotions equal hate and positive emotions equal love. This isn't a healthy way of living since negative emotions are part of our human experience.

Some of you might be thinking, "Nadja, does that mean we should just put up with bad behavior and always show love? Can love and light fix everything?"

It is important to remain practical and grounded in our complicated world. That's why I want to share my next point: using incentives instead of punishment, and setting consequences as a smarter way to handle things.

However, keep in mind that love is a state of being, not necessarily a behavior. People can act lovingly, but that doesn't necessarily mean they truly love you. The opposite is true as well, they can act in unloving behaviours, and still truly love you. We see it in our offspring all the time :).

Fostering Growth: Encouraging Progress Through Incentives, Not Punishment

I still get this wrong sometimes, and when my son pushes the wrong buttons, he gets an emotionally unintelligent reaction. But I've learned and trained myself to reinforce behavior that promotes harmony and balance in our home. I used to give him the silent treatment or mimic his behavior, making it about me instead of teaching him responsibility through the notion of social contracts. After reading, researching, and tapping into my motherly intuition, I started trying different approaches.

If we keep doing the same thing, we'll keep getting the same results.

I practiced staying calm and composed when he displayed irrational behavior. I communicated the consequences and implemented them if he continued. This was the hardest part – being patient with the process. At first, he would rebel in intense ways, which left me feeling overwhelmed and depleted. Many times, I thought it wouldn't work and considered reverting to what my parents had taught me.

Over time, it began to work. My patience and non-reaction mode paid off, and my consistent behavior stopped confusing him. He learned that as he grows and seeks more freedom, he must first learn to be responsible. Without social contracts, freedom can be dangerous, as we become indifferent to the impact of our actions on our environment.

Now, when he messes up, he often initiates the process of self-discipline. I often don't have to do anything!

The more positive reinforcement you use to achieve behavioral change and remain patient in the process, the more balanced your relationships will be, not only with your children but also in your professional and personal life.

You can't control how others behave, but you do control your actions and how you show up.

The Ties That Bind: How Love and Hate Coexist on the Same Continuum

I enjoy ancient philosophy and reading mysterious, deep, and often difficult-to-grasp historical texts. One such book is the Kybalion, which outlines the seven hermetic principles.

One principle relates to the principle of polarity.

“The Principle of Polarity states that all manifested things have 'two sides'; 'two aspects'; 'two poles'; and, 'everything has its opposite' with manifold degrees between the two extremes.” – The Kybalion, a text of hermetic wisdom.

There is a lot of hate in the world – especially for having opposing views in religions, leadership, workplaces, personal relationships, and social media. But there is also love in all these areas. I'm not talking about romance but rather the feeling inside us when we feel seen and appreciated for who we are, without judgment for our flaws and imperfections.

Many people tend to gravitate towards extremes, either hate or love, with nothing in between. In my view, this is a flawed way of thinking.

Consider the example of a thermometer: it has cold at one extreme and warmth or heat at the other. We adjust the temperature based on our needs, balancing and navigating between the two opposite ends depending on the situation.

This concept applies to emotions like hate and love, fear and courage, sadness and joy, indifference and compassion, and so on. Hate is felt by many in varying intensities, and it's part of being human. However, we have the choice and responsibility to regulate towards love, which is our natural state of being. Unfortunately, today's society often disrupts this natural state.

Before dismissing this perspective, I encourage you to research and explore the work of recognized scientists in the field, such as Andrew Huberman and Gabor Maté.

Ultimately, I believe in free will and choosing our own way of life. I choose to teach my son to navigate towards love and avoid getting stuck in hate. I also teach him that you can love a lot of people, and still choose not to have them in your life. That's how you find inner peace and remain balanced in an era of disruptive change.

The Healing Power of Laughter: Embrace Joy and Lighten Up

My son is a natural comedian, but my Dutch humor and his French jokes are often incompatible. So what starts out as laughter, often ends up in frustration.

We spend much of our time laughing together, watching comedy, and improvising. Through my own challenges in life, I have learned to embrace the healing power of humor.

Humor has brought us closer together, healed past wounds, and ignited our creativity. While it's essential to take what you do seriously, don't take yourself too seriously. The more pressure you place on yourself to be serious, the more stress you will experience, limiting your mental capabilities to solve life's challenges.

Using humor in uncomfortable conversations helps people feel less defensive and become more open to new ways of thinking. It encourages reflection on ingrained beliefs and promotes a lighter atmosphere. This is why so many people enjoy stand-up comedy, where controversial topics are discussed, yet the room is filled with laughter. The same topics in serious settings can evoke negative emotions. The mood plays a vital role in healing personal grievances and societal wounds through human connection, and humor is an essential component in this process.

Some may agree, disagree, or not resonate with this idea, and that's okay. The point is to give yourself permission to let go, have more fun, and balance out negative emotions by connecting with others through humor. This is how I connect with my son during challenging times of his growth, and my growth.

I hope these reflections resonate with some of you and inspire you to foster closer connections with your children while navigating parental challenges during these times of uncertainty, confusion, and significant change.

Thank you for being a part of this community and for your ongoing support, truly appreciate it.

Love,

Nadja ?? ?? ??