Navigating the Nuances of Passive-Aggressive Communication

I recently took an assessment, one of those personality/communication type things, and the term passive-aggressive kept surfacing for my type when under extreme stress. At first, I dismissed it as I am a counselor and a coach, so of course, I can communicate healthily. They can’t be talking about me.

I thought I knew what passive-aggressive meant, but I looked it up anyway. I read several articles on passive-aggressive communication.

Everyone is passive-aggressive.

Seriously.

Definition of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Here is one definition from the Cleveland Clinic:

Passive-aggressive behavior is anything that avoids direct conflict but still expresses negative emotions.?

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

That is a broad definition and includes things like:

• Sarcasm
• Agreeing to something to avoid conflict at the time but never doing it
• Body language – sitting in a meeting but making it clear you don’t want to be there
• Rolling your eyes but agreeing with your words

Things like this are so prevalent in the business world that we are passive-aggressive sometimes.

But do we want to be?

Let’s take sarcasm for a minute. Have you ever been on the receiving end of sarcasm??

It hurts your feelings. Even though the words may not seem hurtful, you do a double take when you hear the cutting tone or dripping of resentment at the end of each word.?

Now imagine it is your boss or the owner of the company. As business owners and leaders, we need to understand how the words and messages we send impact our team. You add passive-aggressive communication to the fact that you are the boss, which intimidates your team.

Business owners are responsible for not using passive-aggressive behaviors to communicate our messages. We are the leaders and should take the high road.

How To Communicate Negative Feelings Without Being Passive Aggressive

What do you do instead?

When we have a negative emotion to express to anyone, the best way to do it is:

• Privately – not only does the person we are being passive-aggressive feel it, but others see and hear it too. Public communication adds embarrassment to the receiver of our words.
• Proactively – when we wait to express our feelings about a conflict or concern with an employee, it usually comes out with less patience and is inappropriate.
• Specificity – addressing a specific issue or conflict is better than insulting the person. Be neutral in tone and express your issue directly, focusing on what you expect, want, etc. All-or-nothing language is passive-aggressive in itself.??

You will have the best outcome in expressing yourself this way if you take the time to reflect on your feelings and understand what is bothering you so that you can effectively communicate.

In addition to making someone feel bad, the downside is that they still may not get the message. The other person may be so focused on your delivery of the message and trying to figure it out because it wasn’t direct that they missed the whole point. Then, they do not take the hint and adjust their behavior. You don’t get the change you are looking for, and you may have damaged your relationship.

It is a lose-lose.

Take Control of Your Own Communication

Ultimately, we can’t change other people but can change ourselves. Suppose you, like me, don’t want to hurt others and consider yourself an effective communicator. In that case, it is much easier for you to eliminate passive-aggressive behaviors and be direct. Direct communication at least increases your chance that your message is understood and well-received.

After reading this, my husband will think I was being passive-aggressive the other day when I left a bunch of things out on the counter when the housekeeper was getting ready to come. I really wasn’t. Sometimes, we just don’t see things. Yes, I flew through the house, right past my mess, and didn’t put it away.??

Seriously, it is just a different defect in my personality.