Navigating Marital Turbulence: Divorce in the Flight Crew Community

Like any segment of society, aviation professionals and flight crews experience the pain of marital breakdown. The unique demands of their profession—long flights, extended periods away from home, and the constant flux of new colleagues and environments—place immense pressure on both partners. The solitude of hotel rooms and the ever-changing social landscape can test even the strongest relationships, requiring exceptional marital discipline and self-control. Spouses left at home face their own challenges, often grappling with loneliness and the weight of domestic responsibilities. These unique aspects of the aviation lifestyle can significantly contribute to the deterioration of a marriage. It can be difficult to re-establish intimacy when the relationship is constantly disrupted for days, and jet lag can become a factor too. While couples should always strive to resolve their differences constructively, there are times when reconciliation is no longer possible. When a definitive decision has been made, and differences have become irreconcilable, guidance and support can be invaluable.

To shed light on this challenging process, I interviewed Ana Belen Fernandez, a Barcelona-based consultant and founder of Plan D for Divorce. Plan D is an initiative dedicated to helping individuals navigate the complexities of divorce, providing support and connecting clients with the appropriate professionals. I posed the questions to Ana, and here are her answers to some key questions;

What is your experience working with individuals going through divorce?

I began to realize how difficult it was to regain control of your life after a separation—after going through my own, with two young children. That’s why I needed support and guidance from professional therapists. From that experience, I drew two key conclusions.

First, as in all professions, there are people who do their work out of true vocation because they enjoy it and are naturally good at it.

Second, as I progressed in my own journey, I realized that, for various reasons, some friendships and family relationships were left behind.

This experience led me to focus on helping others who were going through similar situations. I began studying psychology topics and deepening my understanding of emotions.

Eventually, Iearned a Master’s in Ericksonian Hypnosis and worked with many people facing difficult times. By shifting their energy toward building their future instead of remaining stuck in the past, they achieved significant personal growth.

What therapeutic approaches do you use?

It's quite free-style; with all the tools I now have, I adapt to what I feel each person needs. In the end, all these tools are quite similar since hypnosis is based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which is also the foundation of Coaching.

If we strip away the technical terms, ultimately, each person has to find their own meaning in what they are experiencing and discover their own answers. As therapists, we are simply there to ask the right questions or make the right interpretations to help facilitate that process.

How do does Plan D handle communication with other professionals, such as lawyers or mediators?

For me, the foundation—although it may sound like a cliché—is respect and the trust that we share a common goal: to improve ourselves as individuals and help others do the same.

What has impacted me the most from the professionals I have worked with, as a patient or client, is not their eloquence or their great advice, and certainly not them telling me what I needed to do to be happy or to solve my problems.. but rather the way they treated me.

How can the flight crew member improve their communication skills to navigate difficult conversations with their ex-spouse throughout the process and after?

I believe the first and most fundamental step is to agree on how these two people will communicate. Setting boundaries will help the person who does not feel ready for certain conversations avoid being pressured if the other person is more persistent.

It’s important to reflect on how recent or past conversations about sensitive topics have gone and to recognize any patterns that have emerged. If you can identify a recurring pattern, now is the time to break it. If you are not ready, set boundaries.

For example, communication through emails can be a good option. I do not recommend using mobile messaging apps like WhatsApp or any other similar platform, at least in the initial stages.

Even in an email, review the message before sending it to ensure it includes the information you want to convey: What, How, When, and Who.

The more specific the message, the easier it will be to move forward.

Often people's identities are so intertwined with their spouse and their lifestyle with that person, how can they rebuild their self-esteem and sense of identity after divorce?

I completely understand that feeling. And the most important thing is to ask yourself the right questions, because it's very likely that when you're going through a rough patch, people will want to help you, but often they only reinforce the negative thoughts that are already in our mental programming.

First and foremost, the most important thing is honesty with yourself, both for the positive and for acknowledging the negative, and to avoid getting lost on either side (spoiler: we always get lost; the trick is simply to realize it).

Tell yourself positive reasons for what is happening ( if you don’t find them..try harder), and negative reasons too—a similar number of both will help you avoid sinking to the bottom or floating off into the clouds.

Some conclusions I've reached: life gives you the challenges and the resources for absolutely everything we go through. Spend more time discovering your own resources and look at what lies beneath.

Questions that might help:

*Was I really and completely so in sync with my ex and this lifestyle?

* Could I allow myself to think that there might be something better out there that my mind can't even imagine right now?

*Has there been another time in my life when I felt similarly or worse, and it ultimately resolved in my favor?

How can they overcome the stigma of feeling like they have failed or are a failure, self blame, shame and embarrassment?

Accepting that in life these feelings have already appeared and are very likely to appear again, in the form of divorce, along our careers, with our closest relationships, when we pursue our dreams...

Only by accepting that everyone, and I repeat, everyone, all of us go through these processes, and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

The stigma of failure is part of the journey, and those who have overcome it will support you. Only those who live with that fear will point fingers or try to make you feel guilty, regardless of their level of kinship.

Identify the situations, activities and/or people who do not contribute to your well-being and reduce or eliminate interaction with them. And spend more time doing activities by your self or with the people who support you from the heart. It’s something you will feel inside, and you have to see it reflected in your actions and those of others.

What do you think are the specific psychological and emotional challenges faced by flight crew members and their spouses due to the unique demands of their profession (e.g., irregular schedules, time away from home, frequent travel, and exposure to diverse environments)?

I think it’s a group of people facing a very challenging issue: uncertainty. Our brain doesn’t process uncertainty well, so it tends to fill in the gaps with information that comes from the collective unconscious, meaning what society generally thinks, mixed with your own mental programming, shaped since childhood. The good news is that these beliefs can be changed, and of course, we need to become aware of the patterns we have in order to decide whether we want to update our programming to better align with who I am now and, most importantly, with who I want to be.

The level of trust and deep connection with your partner must be very high and must be accompanied by responsibility and great honesty with yourself and with the other person, which, from my point of view, is something to highly value.

In a world where we are increasingly pushed toward immediacy, toward having results right now, impatience invades us at every step. It’s difficult to find the middle ground that each person needs in a relationship to make it work. In my opinion, for this group, it’s very easy to fall into total distrust, so why bother deepening a connection with someone? Instead, I just have fun and enjoy life superficially. Or, on the other hand, I trust blindly, refusing to see the less beautiful parts of a relationship, putting blinders on until life brings an event that suddenly opens my eyes.

Some of the stay at home spouses occasionally feel the strain of the household burdens and especially when there are children. How can the isolation experienced by both the traveling crew member and the stay-at-home spouse contribute to feelings of disconnection and even resentment in such instances?

That will depend on the relationship each person has with solitude. It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship if you’re doing it to avoid being alone. Of course, people aren’t always that honest and sincere; most of the time, we’re not even aware of it. That’s why you can only become aware when you’re ready to see it. And in this life, the only things that pull us out of our routines or comfort zones are events that touch on our painful spots. Otherwise, there would be no evolution of the species :) so we might as well be grateful for it.

Of course, the level of remorse and resentment after a breakup or divorce is directly proportional to the beliefs that, inevitably, will feed thoughts like: "After everything I’ve done for this person? For this family? For this relationship? And look how they repay me..."

Well, it’s a more complex topic because it’s human to have these negative emotions. What will truly make a difference in your life is how much you choose to feed them with your beliefs and thoughts. Because that’s what matters: first, understanding how I feel, and then deciding what I want to do with what I’m feeling.

What proactive communication strategies can flight crews and their spouses implement to maintain a strong connection despite the physical distance and irregular schedules?

Imagination to the power... hehe. I believe that every couple is a world of its own, and just the act of setting aside time to talk about what makes us uncomfortable or what could become an obstacle in the relationship is worth the effort and energy.

Nowadays, we have more technological resources at our disposal than at any other time in history. So sometimes, a short message reminding the other person that you're there, even if not physically, can be more reassuring than a long conversation. But it really depends on the dynamics of each relationship.

It’s important to remember that a partner is a companion, someone who walks alongside you in life. We can’t place excessive weight and responsibility on the other person. Sometimes, a helpful approach is to think of the relationship as something separate from each individual. For example, I like one thing, and my partner likes something different. I understand that, for the sake of the relationship, I will occasionally do things that they enjoy—but, of course, within limits that I consider acceptable for myself.

Because if we think, "I don’t like this, but I will do it for you," we’ll be creating a lot of room for resentment. And when inevitable moments of crisis arise (as necessary as any other phase), reproaches and resentment will be right there, ready to surface.

When things reach the point of no return, how can flight crew members and their spouses navigate the complexities of divorce, considering the unique challenges of their profession?

As I mentioned, nowadays we have technology that can make everything easier for us. But of course, technology is just a tool. Feeling supported and guided by the best professionals will significantly improve your quality of life. And I’m not going to downplay the divorce process or the emotional and psychological impact it inevitably has on people’s lives.

My message is more like: Yes, it sucks. You’re going to have a hard time—that’s inevitable. But if you surround yourself with the right people, you’ll get through it as quickly as possible and come out stronger.

Delegate whatever can be delegated. You don’t have to get along with your ex—just let the professionals do their job, looking out for you and your future.

What strategies can be used to minimize the impact of divorce on children when one or both parents are flight crew members?

One option is by putting your ego aside and truly thinking about your children and what’s best for them. That’s the only way.

It’s a bit like detaching yourself from the idea of a relationship as something external to you—because, in the same way, your children are also external to you. Your children will have to find their own answers, sooner or later. The best thing you can do is focus on finding yours—and by doing so, you’ll set an example for them.

But above all, I want to emphasize that this is a very complex issue. I believe the best approach is to acknowledge that no matter how you handle it, there is no single "right" way to do it. The "right" way isn’t what your family tells you, nor what your friends or society say.

The "right" way will always be the one you choose in that moment—because, very likely, in the next moment, it may no longer seem so right to you. Accept that, and keep moving forward.

How can individuals rebuild their lives and find emotional stability after a divorce, especially when dealing with the ongoing demands of the flight crew lifestyle?

Being surrounded by people who support them and with whom they feel good. Of course, a positive work environment will help you feel more comfortable.

That’s why initiatives like Avcox seem so valuable to me—they can help people connect with others in their community and build more authentic and healing bonds.

And of course, I have to say that there are a million reasons to enjoy being single. It’s also a matter of social pressure—we’ve deeply internalized the negative stigma around singleness, when in reality, enjoying your freedom and doing what you truly want is a luxury that very few allow themselves to experience.

It’s a topic that is widely misunderstood, like so many others… but we’ll dive deeper into it another time.

What advice do you give to divorced flight crew members that are trying to rebuild their dating lives and essentially move on in a healthy and balanced way?

Something I would say is not to use their work situation as an excuse to validate certain beliefs. As I mentioned before, don’t let that justify your actions—whether by disconnecting from your emotions and staying on a more superficial level, or by going to the other extreme of accepting everything your partner asks just because you believe that’s how a relationship should work.

And on another note—something very important—we know we are truly ready to share deeply and from the heart when everything we ask of the other person is something we are also willing to give. As simple and practical as writing a list of what you value and want in a partner—then reflecting on whether you’re truly ready to give those things yourself.

If you do it honestly, you’ll save yourself time, energy, and plenty of disastrous dates… haha!

How can flight crews find the relevant professionals who understand the unique challenges of their situation and profession when going through this difficult process?

First, I believe they need to be aware of their situation to communicate them to professionals as clearly and directly as possible in order to find professionals who offer them genuine understanding and support—rather than those who might take advantage of their circumstances in one way or another.

They should seek professionals who truly serve them based on their current situation, whatever that may be. Because there are always solutions—you just need to find the person who can offer them or who is willing to support you in finding them.

Any other recommendation or comments?

I would just like to thank you for the opportunity and wish you all the best with Avcox

If you feel you know someone going through this circumstance and would like to get in touch, please feel free to email Ana at: [email protected]

This article is a collaboration between Noel Cox of avcox and Ana Belen Fernandez at Plan D for Divorce. Ana is based in Barcelona, Spain.

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