Navigating Marital Communication: How can a husband understand and respond to his wife’s concerns without getting frustrated?

Q: My wife is driving me crazy! We have been dating for 7 years and recently got married. She was lovely as a girlfriend, so I don’t understand why she behaves so differently now. Once I pick her up from work, she will keep ‘interrogating’ me in the car! What did I do that day, who did I meet, what I had for lunch, why I didn’t reply her SMS… on and on! If I tell her I’d like to have some quiet time after a hard day’s work, she will get upset, pout the whole night and accuse me of hiding something! Help me! What should I do?

Anonymous (for obvious reasons!)

Hello Anonymous!

I like the part where you ended with (for obvious reasons). What I would like to point out to you is that, many men feel the same so you need not be anonymous.

Let me begin by highlighting that I have to make extrapolation of your letter, because I would love to interact and find out more, rather than just the brief description you have provided. For example, I would like to know the following and more:

a. When you said she was lovely, what exactly did she do that made you feel that way?

b. When you said “interrogating”, did that come through her words, tone, body language or the way she looked at you? How did she look at you to make you feel she is interrogating?

c. Did it occur to you that she may be interested, a sign of love, since many women loves to share?

d. When you were dating, were there times when she showed such intense interest by asking lots of questions?

e. Have you ever asked lots of questions because you were concerned and interested?

Hahaha… alright alright! I shall not intimidate you more. It seems to me that like many men, you are not a detailed person and this is probably the reason for your frustration over the detailed questioning.

Increasingly, I discovered an interesting trend when we run our workshops and seminars as we have more and more coming to the seminars as families, as couples. In fact, we are delighted to announce that we have “saved” several marriages along the way, during our certification training.

Now, back to your issues.

I can appreciate how frustrating it must feel for you when something like this happen. You are not alone, but there are surely a few things you can do to make the situation better.

First off, let’s start with something within your control – yourself. You see, every time your wife “interrogates” you, you have a choice to the responses. You can choose to feel frustrated, or look at it from the positive angle. Could it be that she cares for you, and your wellbeing is always on her mind? Sometimes it just takes “stepping in the other person’s shoes”, for us to look at the scenario in a different light. Of course, being a gentleman, step in her shoes first before asking her to step into yours. Seek to understand; then to be understood. You see, sometimes by changing the lenses in which we see the world, we see and perceive things differently, and that alone can make many situations much, much better.

When she did SMS or call you earlier that day, could your recall if your response to her was positive? Think not of how you have communicated to her, but how she would perceive it. In NLP, we teach that the meaning of your communication is the response that you get. If her response is something you do not want, you may need to change your approach. A change of tone, a lowering of voice, the slowing down of your pace – all these are vocal elements that can soften the atmosphere in which we interact with each other.

Also, do know that no matter how old we are, we do have psychological needs to fulfill. For example, we constantly need the 3As - Acceptance, Acknowledgement and Assurance. From your letter, it sounds like your wife desires these As and, as she is likely to be auditory, so she needs to hear it.

Take these questions as her voicing her need for you to renew your “love vows”. And, start thinking of ideas for little romantic surprises.

Once her needs are fulfilled, it is then easier for you to request what you need – your personal time and space. And, if your way of having personal time and space means getting into a hobby, perhaps you may want to get her involved and interested too? Just as you need “personal time”, she needs “couple time”.

The actions you take to manage yourself can influence the outcome of how you both manage the relationship. Start with yourself, then work with her.

Dr. Billy Kueek

About this Article

This is one of the compilation of the articles that were previously published in kidz magazine where Dr. Billy Kueek answered questions that were sent in by readers. The questions tackled issues from children, teenagers, parents and spouses. While we acknowledge that there is no one way to address problems, we hope that the publishing of these articles on LinkedIn will give you some insights on some of the options that may be available to you.

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